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AIBU?

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Original poster

My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

773 replies

DojaPussy · 27/02/2026 14:15

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 27/02/2026 16:32

DojaPussy · 27/02/2026 15:08

I do have sympathy because he didn’t want two more and made it very very clear that it wasn’t fair to have two more.

They lived in a small two bedroom house with the two eldest opposite sex children sharing a room with bunk beds and Claire didn’t want to go back to work full time after they started school so in an expensive area they would struggle to move.

Her exH works incredibly long hours and since having the children he wanted to reduce them and spend some family time but Claire just didn’t seem bothered about him anymore and she told me he said he felt like he was just there to produce money and sperm and laughed about it and said “that’s about accurate”.

She swore to him that she was happy with two and on the injection, he stayed after it “failed” and baby 3 arrived but was miserable and sleeping on the sofa because he wasn’t allowed in bed whilst she was sleeping with the kids.

With getting pregnant with Barry she said again she was on the injection but it wasn’t possible to get pregnant when breast feeding. Yes he should have checked but he trusted her and booked a vasectomy to be 100% and told her he wouldn’t be around for a 4th, I’d heard that too and believed her.
I don’t think it’s fair to call him a psychopath when he was being sensible not wanting to bring an unwanted child into the world they also had no room or money for!

I’m going to get on with the rest of my day now I can. I will update later but I sadly think the friendship is over.
I have sympathy for the kids but not that much for Claire right now.

Show quote history

I sincerely hope you still intend to report to SS.

She could be dumping Barry with anyone.

SweetnsourNZ · 27/02/2026 16:34

You say the dad doesn't see the younger 2 so would Barrybeven know him?
Drop at the police. This will only get worse with time. Next will be leaving the children alone or asking people to look aftervthem for an hour and disappearing overnight.
The family will probably take over care of children as pp has said.

daysofpearlyspencer · 27/02/2026 16:34

DesertRome5 · 27/02/2026 14:27

While anger is understandable, please also consider that there is no way a mother in her right mind would do this. He's 2. And you seem to have a lot of sympathy for a man who abandoned 2 children, that man is a fucking psychopath.

Call the police and social services but reserve some sympathy for your friend who is clearly just not coping.

She isn't coping because she has chosen to have more kids than she can cope with and is probably dumping poor Barry for a Friday afternoon shag with the new BF. I had neighbour like this, used to dump her kids including a baby, all over the estate so she could go clubbing.

godmum56 · 27/02/2026 16:35

she needs help or a shock or both. Police now.

SapphireSeptember · 27/02/2026 16:37

DesertRome5 · 27/02/2026 14:27

While anger is understandable, please also consider that there is no way a mother in her right mind would do this. He's 2. And you seem to have a lot of sympathy for a man who abandoned 2 children, that man is a fucking psychopath.

Call the police and social services but reserve some sympathy for your friend who is clearly just not coping.

Agree. He's abandoned two of his kids already. I feel sorry for the kids in the middle of this shit show, especially the two youngest, and especially for Barry.

SereneOtter · 27/02/2026 16:39

DojaPussy · 27/02/2026 15:08

I do have sympathy because he didn’t want two more and made it very very clear that it wasn’t fair to have two more.

They lived in a small two bedroom house with the two eldest opposite sex children sharing a room with bunk beds and Claire didn’t want to go back to work full time after they started school so in an expensive area they would struggle to move.

Her exH works incredibly long hours and since having the children he wanted to reduce them and spend some family time but Claire just didn’t seem bothered about him anymore and she told me he said he felt like he was just there to produce money and sperm and laughed about it and said “that’s about accurate”.

She swore to him that she was happy with two and on the injection, he stayed after it “failed” and baby 3 arrived but was miserable and sleeping on the sofa because he wasn’t allowed in bed whilst she was sleeping with the kids.

With getting pregnant with Barry she said again she was on the injection but it wasn’t possible to get pregnant when breast feeding. Yes he should have checked but he trusted her and booked a vasectomy to be 100% and told her he wouldn’t be around for a 4th, I’d heard that too and believed her.
I don’t think it’s fair to call him a psychopath when he was being sensible not wanting to bring an unwanted child into the world they also had no room or money for!

I’m going to get on with the rest of my day now I can. I will update later but I sadly think the friendship is over.
I have sympathy for the kids but not that much for Claire right now.

Show quote history

He should have worn condoms if he was adamant he didn't want anymore kids and hadn't had a vasectomy. He is 50% responsible for producing those kids and it is not all down to your friend.

It is weird how you have a lot of sympathy for a deadbeat loser who didn't take responsibility for his own contraception and then abandoned his wife and 4 kids who he jointly helped to create.

Abd80 · 27/02/2026 16:40

I would phone social services. sounds like neglect. And it may be the tip of the iceberg.

Hesma · 27/02/2026 16:44

Call SS and police… Shes needs help and they can provide it

Moonnstarz · 27/02/2026 16:46

I agree with others. You need to call social services. The child has been abandoned with you and you have been unable to contact the mother to collect him. You are also concerned for her welfare as when you last saw her (when she abandoned Barry) she was hysterical and saying she couldn't cope. It is a big safeguarding issue and they need to assess whether she is safe to be in charge of the children.

JohnTheRevelator · 27/02/2026 16:48

Bloody hell. I think she takes the prize for being a CF!

SpaceRaccoon · 27/02/2026 16:49

I wouldn't be friends with a boundary-trampling user like this OP, so don't feel bad about droppingher.
I am kind of laughing at Barry for a baby psuedonym.

anterenea · 27/02/2026 16:52

DojaPussy · 27/02/2026 15:08

I do have sympathy because he didn’t want two more and made it very very clear that it wasn’t fair to have two more.

They lived in a small two bedroom house with the two eldest opposite sex children sharing a room with bunk beds and Claire didn’t want to go back to work full time after they started school so in an expensive area they would struggle to move.

Her exH works incredibly long hours and since having the children he wanted to reduce them and spend some family time but Claire just didn’t seem bothered about him anymore and she told me he said he felt like he was just there to produce money and sperm and laughed about it and said “that’s about accurate”.

She swore to him that she was happy with two and on the injection, he stayed after it “failed” and baby 3 arrived but was miserable and sleeping on the sofa because he wasn’t allowed in bed whilst she was sleeping with the kids.

With getting pregnant with Barry she said again she was on the injection but it wasn’t possible to get pregnant when breast feeding. Yes he should have checked but he trusted her and booked a vasectomy to be 100% and told her he wouldn’t be around for a 4th, I’d heard that too and believed her.
I don’t think it’s fair to call him a psychopath when he was being sensible not wanting to bring an unwanted child into the world they also had no room or money for!

I’m going to get on with the rest of my day now I can. I will update later but I sadly think the friendship is over.
I have sympathy for the kids but not that much for Claire right now.

Show quote history

I have zero sympathy for him! He could not have ejaculated inside her if he was so adamant he didn't want more children, that's not rocket science is it? What scum he is, picking and choosing which two of his four children he sees

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 27/02/2026 16:55

Trusttheawesomeness · 27/02/2026 15:15

He had 9 months during the pregnancy with !-baby 3 to get a vasectomy. He didn’t. Baby 3 was born and he continued to have sex without a condom when he knew what she was like, and still didn’t get a vasectomy. Then blames her entirely for baby 4?

I think she sounds like a psycho, incredibly selfish, a bad mum… she sounds awful. But he had 9 months during the pregnancy of baby 3 to get a vasectomy to ensure there would be no baby 4 but he didn’t do it. He sounds just as useless as her, especially by abandoning the two youngest.

This family really needs social services involvement. You have all the texts and call logs from today, so you can still report what happened. Call the police non emergency to talk it through with them and then also call social services. Those kids need help and neither of their parents sound any good.

Show quote history

I agree with this. The dad is pretty shit too. Plenty of time to have a vasectomy or use a condom. He knew after number 3 there was a risk. He is also shit to abandon his two youngest, none of this is their fault.
Claire's actions are disgusting. How dare she just leave her kid with you and expect you to change your plans. That friendship is over. Tell her you don't want anything more to do with her. Her sister doesn't like looking after the kids, sounds like the grandparents don't either. She needs to stop being so selfish as she's going to end up with no support. I feel awfully sorry for her children.

Londonrach1 · 27/02/2026 16:55

Police. Poor barry.

Itsnotforme · 27/02/2026 17:00

Yanbu at all about Claire. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t speak to her again.

But I do think yabu about the dad. Ok so he didn’t want more kids but he carried on having sex with this woman who he knew was obviously a bit unstable and even went on to have a fourth.

No one forced him to have unprotected sex with her and ultimately they are his children and he should be supporting them and their mother by looking after them part of the time

everypageisempty · 27/02/2026 17:01

Call social services ... NSPCC can help you reach out if you call them first.

Alternatively, call the children's school where the older two go and ask to speak to the safeguarding team. Tell them what's occurred and how's she 'broke down' (even if she was pretending), how it's not the first time, and how she abandoned her child with you. They can reach out to social services, too.

But please do something ... for the sake of the children

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 27/02/2026 17:01

Can we call poor Barry something else please? I can’t stop myself from saying ‘Barry Shitpeas’ instead of Barry.

How about Englebert or something like that?

Whowhatwerewolf · 27/02/2026 17:03

Has Barry been collected by someone yet? I'd cut Claire off completely after this. Let her family and ex-husband deal with the situation because it sounds like she's spiralling. Protect your peace.

RedToothBrush · 27/02/2026 17:03

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 27/02/2026 17:01

Can we call poor Barry something else please? I can’t stop myself from saying ‘Barry Shitpeas’ instead of Barry.

How about Englebert or something like that?

Englebert Humperdinck is not an improvement on Barry Shitpeas....

IkeaJesusChrist · 27/02/2026 17:04

Police or social services.

Mumofsend · 27/02/2026 17:06

I would call the police and social care

bandog · 27/02/2026 17:09

Naunet · 27/02/2026 16:10

The words "I do not want more children" is not a contraception choice and if a woman told her husband she didn't want more kids and then he got her pregnant, I'd highly doubt you'd be saying its all his fault.

They both sound like awful people.

Show quote history

Oh I agree they both sound terrible, with no sense of responsibility. I just feel a bit uncomfortable that if a woman lies about being on contraception in order to get pregnant we are excusing her by saying he should have been more careful. Of course accidents happen and should be discussed, but purposely lying in order to take away someone’s choices is horrible.

Ihatetomatoes · 27/02/2026 17:09

hollytheheroic · 27/02/2026 14:27

Agree a third party intervention is required here, police can track her down and this needs flagging with social services anyway. Next time she may leave him alone at home to go and meet her date.

Agree.

Potentially meeting boyfriend is first and child safety second.

Social services need to check all children are ok.

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/02/2026 17:10

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 27/02/2026 17:01

Can we call poor Barry something else please? I can’t stop myself from saying ‘Barry Shitpeas’ instead of Barry.

How about Englebert or something like that?

I've known a number of Barrys in my life.

It's a name of its time, no worse than some of the names some people call their babies these days.

Jane143 · 27/02/2026 17:11

TonTonMacoute · 27/02/2026 14:30

I'm sorry, but a man who has made it perfectly clear that he only wants two children and who has been deceived not once, but twice, by his wife, is not a psychopath. His main mistake was not having had the vasectomy straight away.

Show quote history

They’re still his though so he has responsibility towards them. He can’t just shut them out even if unplanned

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