My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

If he's so great and reasonable and she's so shit... Why is she the one at home raising these kids while he's washed his hands of them? Once they exist a decent person puts the kids first. He's a selfish prick. She may be nuts but she's also at home with 4 young kids and alone. She's acting very erratically and clearly not coping and she's not your friend. You're horrible about her and telling a story that saints her ex who is an actual deadbeat dad more than her.

We don't know for a fact that she lied.

Why on earth is she still your friend?

I know you have sympathy for the Dad OP, but men can control the contraception too. They need to wear a condom.

As for Claire, I have no words. If there’s another man involved I’d be fuming.

If he didn’t want any more kids
then should either not had sex or used a condom while waiting for a V.

esp after no 3.

glad you got hold of her mum. Yes if ever happens again call the police or social services

the fact you said to her you would , but didn’t - she knows you won’t

But that's all in the past now. The children are entirely innocent in all this, and, now that they ARE here, he needs to move past how they came to be here.

That doesn't exonerate Claire, of course it doesn't.

But he does need to think of his biological children. I can't begin to imagine how odd (and heart-breaking) it would be to grow up rejected by a parent when your bio siblings were accepted, on the basis that you were surplus to design.

I understand his frustration, but he is showing an appalling level of coldness towards the children. We all have to move past frustration and do the right thing for children.

It's all very well to be resentful and angry with Claire - who sounds a mess. It's an entirely different thing - and very, very wrong - to punish his own children for it.

You're horrible about her and telling a story that saints her ex who is an actual deadbeat dad more than her.

I agree to some degree. They both sound like very odd people.

No but at least I’d have Pleeeease Release Meee as an earworm 😆.

No, that wouldn't happen. Children's services aren't an emergency service and would not come and take a toddler into care in these circumstances. If the police attended and decided to take police protection that would be different, but even so, police would take the toddler to a relative not to social services.

The only way to be sure you won't make a baby is not to have sex, presumably he wasn't coherced into that?
Whether he wanted the extra two or not they are his children and to just cut them off, not see them at all and pretend they don't exist is unresponsible and very unfair to his children.
The children are the ones I feel sorry for. They shouldn't suffer because of the mistakes their parents have made and are still making

I hope this all works out for the best @DojaPussy come back in November and update us on the new baby I suspect she will have.

The children need support so please phone the police and social services.

She took Barry to his auntie several hours ago but that hasn't stopped a million posters from telling her to cancel the cheque call the police

In all honesty, while I don't for a moment condone what Claire did, she hasn't actually left the child not in care.

He in fact has hundreds of MNers debating his best interests right now! He was first with OP, then his grandmother. Plenty of children get left while mum nips to the shop and would, in all honesty, be left more in harm's way than Barry has been.

SS is concerned about the actual facts of the child's circumstance; they are not there to judge whether mum is a cheeky fucker in how she goes about sorting her childcare. If they were my SIL'S very pampered, expensively-educated dc who are frequently deposited with MIL at super short notice would be considered at risk!

I do think SS should be watching her, TBH.

It's outrageous to ditch your child and run - especially to meet a bloke!

Her poor kids, honestly.

This would 100% be friendship over for me.

But he does need to think of his biological children. I can't begin to imagine how odd (and heart-breaking) it would be to grow up rejected by a parent when your bio siblings were accepted, on the basis that you were surplus to design

This happened in a family I know. The bloke (alpha-male type on the surface but unfaithful and druggy) didn't want more than two kids. His wife deliberately got pregnant anyway. He upped and left. It's the eldest kids who remembered him who suffered, especially his son. I don't think the youngest cares or thinks about him at all. His wife later moved on and had a fourth kid with another man.

Sounds like Claire is trying for a fifth child to be honest.

I have sympathy for her children, ex husband and any future man this psychotic woman hooks up with, in that order. She is dishonest, manipulative and is abusing friends and relatives to look after children no one other than her wanted. I think you need to break off your friendship (friends don't do this) and alert social services.

Again, he could have easily abstained from sex or worn a condom. The MIL sounds completely unbothered. The responsible thing to do would have been to call in SS. Also, the most dangerous time for young children is when one parent gets a new partner. If the friendship is over it won’t be a problem to put the needs of a vulnerable child with no parent willing to step up first!

I would call her telling her she has 30 minutes to return or I am calling social services.

Just take the boy to his dad and distance yourself from her (although her ex sounds useless too - he could not avoid another conception while waiting for his vasectomy? Jesus.)

I have ZERO sympathy for men who apparently aggressively don’t want children but do nothing to prevent it.

He could easily have avoided the last two. He could not be arsed to do anything.

Agree!

If you dont want a kid with someone you dont have sex with them. Especially if they have form for lying about contraception 🙄 she has behaved awfully and he is not much better really. I can see you've arranged to drop him with her mum but I probably would have dropped him at dads work first. Sorry you have been put through this

If you dont want a kid with someone you dont have sex with them. Especially if they have form for lying about contraception 🙄 she has behaved awfully and he is not much better really. I can see you've arranged to drop him with her mum but I probably would have dropped him at dads work first. Sorry you have been put through this