My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

Abandoned child, get social services involved

Yes ring SS and the police. Tell them what happened. Clearly she is not coping.

Child abandonment…you have to follow through on your comment re reporting or her poor kids will be landing on you all the time.

After reading both your OP and updates, I personally wouldn't have her as a friend anymore. Given that her new boyfriend was WFH and you'd already refused to babysit but she still left the child with you and drove off, I think she went to see the new boyfriend anyway. You'd never be able to trust her again imo. Contact both SS and the Police as clearly she is not being responsible.

The words "I do not want more children" is not a contraception choice and if a woman told her husband she didn't want more kids and then he got her pregnant, I'd highly doubt you'd be saying its all his fault.

They both sound like awful people.

Agree.

OP are you involved with Barry's father. Is he your partner or relative?

I'm flabbergasted at how you can make excuses for an adult who happily has unprotected sex and permanently abandons two out of four children. He sounds far worse a person than his ex wife.

Social services need involving - oh and end the friendship

I'd be making a MASH referral

What the actual f. I suppose you understand that this is not a friendship you need to be in. If you are ready to be done with it, I’d be ringing the police to say she’s abandoned her child. Craaaaaaazy woman.

Agreed about the 'cry for help' interpretations of Claire's behaviour.

@DojaPussy stated that Claire "has form for this". Today sounds like another use of Claire's back-up plan rather than her mental limit being hit.

I live in a town of close to 20k people, and our police station is only open 10-2, Mon-Fri! There aren't any rural stations any more.

Text to Claire, Claire ex, Claire mother and Claire’s sister.

Claire, do not reply to this message. I am sending this to make it clear that our friendship is officially over.
What you did today was not a 'favour' or a mistake; it was the calculated abandonment of your child to force me into a position I had already explicitly refused. You used your son as a pawn to manipulate me, showing a total lack of respect for my life and, more importantly, a dangerous disregard for Barry’s safety.
Leaving a toddler on someone’s doorstep and driving away is a matter for the police and social services, not a 'misunderstanding' between friends.

Do not call me, do not come to my house, and do not contact me on social media. I am prioritising my own peace and safety from here on out. I wish you and the children the best, but I will no longer be a part of your life.

to everyone else you say Today was the final straw with my friendship with Claire. This is a copy of the text I have sent, if I receive any further issues or problems from this situation I will not hesitate to contact the police. I’m done.

• I would also report what she did to family social services. A really good friend treated me like absolutely crap one summer when I had a newborn leaving her 7 year old with me from like 7 am to 7 pm I was exhausted. She let it slip that she wasn’t working - she was going round to see a married man and having sex with him - I said no more and the next day she dropped her off at 6.50 and left her on the front door step I was livid. I didn’t phone the police but I did wait and gave her both barrels when she picked her up and told her I would phone social services the next day / I meant it and our friendship was over.

She's putting a man before her kids i absolutely would of called the police just purely to stop her ever doing that again. A phone call from the police to come get her kid might make her realise the seriousness of what she did

Claire is horrible and I would no longer be her friend after this. But her husband is awful, too. I honestly hope this isn't real, because what kind of man has a relationship with two of his children, but ignores the other two of his kids? The fact that they all share the same mother and live in the same home makes this even worse, imo, because they'll see/hear about him regularly and wonder why they are being shunned. Claire shouldn't have manipulated the situation to get pregnant when her husband didn't want more children, but he always had other options (such as not sleeping with Claire until after he'd had a vasectomy), and anyway, none of it is the kids' fault.

Honestly, it's sickening behaviour all 'round, and I wouldn't want anything more to do with Claire.

Unless she stole his sperm out of a condom and used a turkey baster, he has plenty of option available to him that meant Baby Numbers 3 and 4 didn’t arrive. He didn’t take those options, so I think a lot of your defence points are nullified.

I would absolutely have rang social services and the police though. I’d be inclined to ring social services anyway because she clearly needs some intervention.

Yes.
Poor baby doesn't know a thing yet but if his mother continues in the same vain as he grows, he will be feeling upset soon.

I’m just wondering how you manage such long posts when you have a two year old and trying to organise where he’s going

She’s a lousy mother. Phone the police and let them and SSD deal with it.

Sorry but his excuses are utterly pathetic and it’s pretty lame you’re making excuses on his behalf… If he truly only wanted two children, he’d have had a vasectomy after the second was born. Instead he somehow had TWO MORE CHILDREN before having one then left her alone with them and won’t even see or support his youngest children.

Huh, plenty of mothers post lengthy posts on here a d what do you think she’s glued to the phone, the mother took him, it’s one call

if you’re passively aggressively troll hunting just own it,

Of course the father is equally responsible for contraception and saying he doesnt want anything to do with the 2 youngest is awful. Does he come and take the older ones and just leave the other 2 with mum?
He is as horrible as his ex wife!!

She’s a cheeky cunt. I’d call social services

Sounds like she just wanted her way and picked you as a sucker to pick up the barrier that was blocking her afternoons activities .. SS should be informed so they can at least make an assessment

Ring social seevices

this is safeguarding at the end of the day…

I really think you should have reported this to the police. She abandoned her child. This merits social services involvement. Going to the family will mean those kids don't get on the radar and get the help they obviously need.

I would cut contact completely. She's trying to make her kid your problem to the point of child abandonment.