My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

Hmmm, this man is still the childrens father and him not agreeing to have them doesn't mean the children don't deserve their dad's love and support. Sounds as if they desperately need a sensible parent.

🙄

I’d still contact social services, best case she just needs some support. Poor children.

I would still call SS and let them know about this, she clearly needs more support, and the kids clearly need her to have more support and ignoring this and letting her Mum deal with it isn't going to achieve that.

The friendship is dead in the water anyway so at this point you've nothing to lose but the time it takes to make a phone call or fill out an online form.

Glad you got to get mum

She fucked around and is finding out. Lost her husband, can't cope with all the kids she thought she wanted. Punishment enough for her, but incredibly unfair on the children. Bottom line though is that if he really didn't want more kids, he should have sorted contraception himself.

Call police. They'll arrange adequate care with ss. Shes batshit

And he can be angry with her, absolutely. But to actually abandon 2 of your children is bizarre and evil.

I'm worried about those children over anything else. Please call SS.

Poor Barry.

If the man absolutely 100% doesn't want children and knows his partner does, especially after one contraception whoopsy baby, he is foolish if he doesn't protect himself and his swimmers. Just because a woman says she's using hormonal contraception, doesn't mean a man has to have sex with her without his own assurance of contraception.

Why are you so keen to absolve a 2 year old's father of being a parent at all? He could've got a vasectomy during pregnancy #2, immediately afterwards, or during pregnancy #3. He didn't 🤷 The idea that he somehow isn't responsible for creating these children is insane. Clare is not being a good parent either & I feel for these children, but I hope that this display today was manipulation & not a cry for help. Someone needs to be taking accountability & looking after these kids best interests.

Well it isn't the safeguarding social workers can come out and make an assessment and arrange appropriate care for "Barry "even if thats temporary.

Far too much "imagining" happens on here. Why not leave it to those who actually know the system to respond?

I've no idea what would happen if OP went to the police, but the friend's behaviour was so egregious I wouldn't really care.

Absolutely nothing here about him using contraception 🤦‍♀️ or abstaining

This is probably obvious - but i would never contact or open your door to Claire again. She’s not looking for friends - she’s looking for childcare.

I think you're letting the father off way too easy. He's not an imbecile. He knows that every time you have sex, there is a risk the female will get pregnant. If he wanted to be certain not to have any more children, he should have restrained from having sex until after his vasectomy or, at the very least, worn a condom. Contraception is not just a woman's responsibility. It's clearly really shitty that your friend lied about being on contraception, but he's not an innocent victim here. He chose to make her responsible for his life and then, when he didn't like the outcome of their combined choices (his choice was actively risking unprotected sex and fail to take responsibility for contraception), he flounced off and refused to have anything to do with HIS children, which are a result of his actions. Really, I'm pretty pissed off at him and I don't even know him!

Your friend sounds like she's either having a breakdown or very immature, with no concept of the realities of parenting. I also imagine she's struggling, as she doesn't seem to understand consequences or long-term planning. I think she's lucky you called her mum rather than just dropping her son off at a police station.

I do have sympathy because he didn’t want two more and made it very very clear that it wasn’t fair to have two more.

You have sympathy for a man who didn’t want anymore kids but couldn’t be arsed to get a vasectomy or even wear a condom!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Ring the police. Barry has been abandoned by his mum and people need to know this. If you ring someone else who takes care of him, all be it begrudgingly, until she comes back, no one will no-one how little she cares about Barry.

He was stupid and conned but it’s Barry that matters and no one seems to want him pooR thing so you need to
let others know - letting her mother know clearly isn’t enough given her response

The man could have taken other measures to ensure there were no further pregnancies or just not had sex at all.

They are as bad as one another.

Actually he's probably worse because not only is he equally responsible for all four kids, he has abandoned two of them. What a loser.

Yes. Her actions could be seen as child abandonment.

If that feels too harsh, say you are concerned for her mental health based on the things she said and her behaviour @DojaPussy

When this is resolved, block her from contacting you in any way.

I don't know that I agree with the 'cry for help' theories. That would be the case if she were going home to cry/lie down in a dark room. But it sounds like she's off to some random bloke's house for other activities. Call the police for child abandonment then block her number - she is clearly not your friend.

As you've said you will call the Police I think you have to - otherwise you'll get walked over again. And again.

Not 999 but 101 and ask their advice. This will be logged and possibly passed onto SS. I suspect she is at her wits end and could do with proper support - and if she doesn't her children certainly do.

Your friendship has effectively ended, she didn't really come round to apologise but to finalise child care - with you.

Yeah I'm not having the poor dad either. Imagine seeing two of your children and rejecting the other two? He doesn't deal with the contraception or the parenting, he just has the sex and the fallout is everyone else's problem. Nope, those are his children and he's as neglectful as she is.

He had to sleep on the sofa? What? Getting a night's sleep while the mother deals with the kids all night? Poor guy!

I'm not excusing her, but this seems like such a one sided post against the woman OP calls a friend, I also wonder if there's more to this than is being let on.