My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

No, but then neither am I mad on the prospect of telling my daughters that they are dependent on a man to ensure adequate birth control. If you’re going to have sex and you don’t want to be pregnant then you ensure you take steps to prevent it. OP’s friend didn’t do this because she clearly wanted more babies.

My response sounded harsher than I intended , so I'll try and offer kinder rebuttal 🤗.
You are both on the same page about not wanting children, an accident happens somehow and one of you has changed their mind all of a sudden now there's a possible baby or one of you doesn't think they can go through a termination after all - what then? It'll be you or I that gets to decide - it won't be him, unless he's controlling. And none of this 👆 was done deliberately or using coercion, just an accident. It happens. I would 💯 take those extra precautions if that decision was taken out of my own hands.

Again, trust is irrelevant here .

Drop him with his dad, it’s up to him to sort it. I was going to say the police but i suspect all they’ll do is try to contact his dad anyway. And sever all ties with the piss taking friend.

Oh I see, apologies for misunderstanding and I do see your point. I was getting wound up thinking people were somehow ok with women lying about their contraception use.

I do think it's a shame that there's not a male equivalent to the contraceptive pill as a vasectomy is often not reversible and condoms have a hight failure rate. But I do see your point, women do quite rightly have the decision on whether a pregnancy goes ahead or not.

It’s only a criminal offence if leaving them results in harm to the child. The woman knew the OP could be trusted with the child. So it is not a criminal offence. We don’t know the full story - she was clearly desperate to get to this appointment and it could very well have been something unavoidable. Still doesn’t make it ok, but worth finding out if it was an an appointment that she simply couldn’t miss or whether she just wanted to go on a date. There’s a massive difference. It’s worth at least finding out the circumstances before forcing SS into someone’s life. Telling the woman’s mother (who she dropped the child off with) or the kids’ dad what happened and that she needs some support is a much better, kinder idea. You do not criminalise a mother for being overwhelmed and making a stupid decision in the heat of the moment, you offer support. Despite what some naive people may assume, child social workers are not there to support families, their only focus is the child. There are plenty of jobsworths out there who want to be heroes and who think removing a child from its mother at the slightest sign of imperfect parenting is the best decision (dp works with plenty of them). They don’t take into account the trauma this causes the child (and the mother). The whole profession is underfunded and extremely highly-pressured, often resulting in inaccurate assessments. Once a child is removed it can be a nightmare to get them back and it’s not a case of SS going oops we were wrong after all. The damage to the child by being removed has already been done. Jesus, people really need to think before potentially completely destroying a family’s life 😡

I'd take him to family or his dad then end your friendship .

Dont get social services involved it will make it all so much worse. She’s painted in a very selfish way here but who knows maybe she needs someone to listen to her but not social services. If she was an actual friend I would message her parents her sister and whoever else is helpful and say how concerned you are about her but this behaviour is not acceptable and see if they can get her some help. Whatever she had or hasn’t done in the past with her relationship she’s in this situation now and is struggling. But without the full background and understanding of situation it’s a hard assessment but to me unless you know the kids would be better off without her I wouldn’t get social services involved

I was looking after my best friends child every day after school. One day my husband came home giving it the biggen pushed me into the wall my best friend had told him I cheated and some other stuff. I called the police they came diffused the situation and because my ex best friend wouldn’t answer to me she wouldn’t answer the police withheld numbers they took her child into care as I refused to look after her from that point forward. Bitches got to learn hun.

I’d also be making a call to social services as if she’s going to leave her kid like this, that’s mad.

Love this. Especially the one about the minge wax. I mean really rather have it waxed than filled with a poor child who's clearly seen as an inconvenience. Your friend is definitely chasing her next baby daddy

I would personally take him to a police station and they can deal with it. I’m disgusted and can’t believe anyone would do this. How irresponsible. I said this under the assumption she isn’t struggling and it’s for the purpose you describe that she has left him and driven off. Of course, if she is genuinely struggling, I would have responded differently.

For a man too! Poor barry

This. Honestly, the fact that some people genuinely think putting a parent at risk of having their child taken away from them is a reasonable reaction to this situation absolutely blows my mind. They either stupidly and naively think SS will offer support, believe the OP should take revenge and reporting to SS is an appropriate form of ‘revenge’, or they don’t have kids and have no idea how it might feel to have a stranger tell you you’re not fit to be a mother to your own child.

What happened in the end? Must be over by now. Is this a real incident?

I take responsibility for myself. As should he.

Father doesn't get a pass because he didn't want more kids but still had sex with her assumingly without a condom. Poor younger kids seeing your older siblings march off to all of yours father while he refuses to acknowledge you.

That aside she's clearly not well phone social ser6

Bloody hell. A friend would not do that to yiu and a good mother would not do that to her child. Difficult tho it is i think l yiu should report to social services- she may benefit from their support - and police too.

I’d be calling social service or police.

You're not unreasonable Op, you're ex friend thinks it's OK to have as many DC as she likes, fair enough, but that doesn't mean everybody else has a responsibility to take care of those DC because they're getting in the way of her social life.

Don’t ring the Police, they will take the view that the child is safe at the moment and it will be a social services issue, they won’t attend right away and certainly not in time for you to enjoy your pre planned treats.
You need to take him to his father or other member of her family and literally just leave him there.
Then go NC otherwise she will keep doing this.

@TheDaysAreGettingLongerAtLast
my double contraception failure is 17 this year, it was also the week before my period was due so shouldn’t even have conceived then.
it happens.
i decided against an abortion because it probably wouldn’t work.

I hate saying it because I see people don’t believe me, but it happened to me and I’d been on the pill for 15 years before

Take him to his dad's work.

Those of you saying it was an important appointment… what kind of appointment wouldn’t let you take a 2 year old? Just a thought. Not being funny, I just wondered. When mine have been little I’ve never had an appointment I could take a two year old to

What a way to treat a 2 year old! I’m referring to both selfish, irresponsible, immature parents.

I agree. Plus it was all day. Plus friend hasn’t revealed what the appointment was for. Not saying she had to disclose intimate medical details, but just people would say they had a doctor/hispital/ optician/dental /bank appointment etc.