My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

I agree with this.

I think the mother is enormously cheeky, but you can't use calling the police on her to punish her for impertinence.

I get that Claire sounds a complete and utter pita, but I think there has been a lot of uber-vilifying of her on this thread in a way that is illogical, given the excuses OP makes for the father never, ever taking so much as a moment's responsibility for them.

And in all of this, the children need to be thought of - which, in her own assertive, somewhat outrageous and selfish way, Claire did not neglect to do.

My SIL dumps her dc on MIL the whole time, but it isn't a case of neglect in any sense.

She sounds like a manipulative person in all areas of life.

Well the father was more than stupid to be taken in by promises twice but he was a father by deception so it’s not a case of 50-50

and yes you can call the police for an abandoned child as that is the only way social services will get involved and an abandoned child needs social services involved

I actually agree with the op it would have been wrong to drop the child with the father, I’d not have done it. For the simple reason they don’t know each other.

the op believes the mother deliberately fell pregnant, leading her ex to believe it wouldn’t happen, and knowing full well he would leave if she did, she also then continued with the pregnancy knowing he wouldn’t get involved.

now I get the argument that he should not have had sex with her, or googled what she told him, however in a marriage there is often trust, there is in mine, and my husband and I beleive each other over the important stuff, and it’s worked well for 30 odd years together, the mother was clear, she wanted the baby not the husband.

now irrelevant of the rights and wrongs of the father keeping his word and not being involved, I feel it would have been very wrong for the op to get up in the middle of that and take the kid to their father for the first meeting, the gran, who the child knows and trusts was always the better option.

claire is clearly struggling, she’s made life choices, in full knowledge of what that entailed, she chose this, but now wants to enjoy life as a single woman, dating and freedom when she wishes it, and the op to support that as she is childless. I don’t for one moment believe this is the fathers new partner, or the child step mother, not everything is a weird consiparacy, this is an anon forum and she didn have to post, and she certainly wouldn’t need to lie about her identity,

op, keep the mum blocked, her behaviour was unacceptable, I agree with you the father would have been wrong as they don’t know each other and you can’t get in the middle of that, and nor should you call social services or the police. You’ve given the child to the grandmother, so just leave them to it now and block all further contact.

the father would have been wrong as they don’t know each other and you can’t get in the middle of that, and nor should you call social services or the police. You’ve given the child to the grandmother, so just leave them to it now and block all further contact.

Agree

Not as ridiculous as continually posting on a thread you think has timed out and is filled with numpties you regard as making pointless 'noise'. Just so that you can repeatedly make the point of how pointless other people are for posting on a pointless thread.

The Op was given no choice in having the child dumped on her which is vastly different to leaving your child wuth their grandmother on a regular basis

SIL dumps! It isn't an arrangement.

But I agree Claire was way out of order. It is just that I don't believe it constitutes abandonment as some pp are claiming, which, to my knowledge, requires an intent not to return or reassert your rights over your offspring - ironically much more along the lines of the father's behaviour in this scenario.

I'd bring the child to his father. It's HIS child.

This is not your child or your responsibility. You made plans for the day, you expressed them, and Claire has dumped her child on you despite you having no obligation to this child.

Her plans matter than yours, to the point where she thrust her responsibilities onto you without any regard to your schedule.

The "friendship" should end today. I would not see "Claire" again after this for a until she has reflected and changed or ways, which may never happen. Truly insane and outrageously selfish behavior on Claire's part. You are not even family.

I'm not sure who you're quoting but I totally agree that it's a stupid comment to make. I mean really sticking up for the friend who dumped her kid?. I agree she isn't struggling. She chose to lie to her husband and kept getting pregnant all whilst lying about being on contraception. I mean big deal if the OP wanted to have her spa day-she chose not to have kids and is free to spend her day as she chooses she definitely isn't wrong to get her minge waxed while her spiteful friend wants to keep popping kids out of hers 🤣

Why are men always excused for their shitty behaviour while women are vilified?

You cannot "trick" a man into impregnating you against their will. You can lie to them, but you can't force them to have sex with you, much less unprotected sex. Claire's husband should have abstained until his vasectomy if he was so adamant about not having another child.

Was Claire wrong to lie to him? Absolutely. Was any of this the child's fault? No, and at the end of the day, it is the child that the man has the responsibility for, not Claire.

His behaviour is every bit as shitty as Claire's, if not more so. At least Claire raises her children some of the time. He's walked away without a care in the world.

Why on earth did your brother keep having unprotected sex if he didn’t want another child? Surely he can’t be that thick? If a man wants to keep having sex but doesn’t want a child it’s his responsibility to take charge of his own fertility- and that means a condom or a vasectomy. Either that or he keeps it in his pants.

If the background/amount of children wasn’t different, I’d swear blind that ‘Claire’ was a family member of mine who has also done this on more than one occasion.

Top tip (at least if my family member experience is anything to go by):

Don’t tell Claire your plans, ever. Not only will she try to take advantage of you if she knows you have ‘free’ time, she resents you for doing anything nice for yourself anyway and generally walks around with a chip on her shoulder about how hard done to she is by everyone, all the while continually making poor decisions that impact upon her own and her children’s lives.

@Frequency 100% agree.

If I was a man who definitely didn't want children, and my partner did, I'd use a condom every single time.

If I was a man who 100% did not want children, to the point I knew I would abandon them if they were conceived, I would not have sex until I was sterilised because any idiot, even a male one, knows that contraception can fail and the man's choice, rightly, starts and ends at his choice to have sex.

I'm not buying this 'mental health crisis' tbh, although probs better to be be safe than sorry.

She sounds like the sort of person that doesn't like taking no for an answer and has thrown a strop because she wants to go and meet this man. Regardless of the father of her kids being irresponsible by not using protection etc it's clear from the OP that she was putting pressure on him to have more and ultimately got her own way in the end.

My guess is that she's just a bit of a bully and had planned this all along. When the waterworks didn't work she just raged out at the audacity of being told no and stormed off.

Well done on being a supportive friend over the years, to Claire and her children. However, she has taken that for granted and has now abused your trust and friendship, both by dumping her child on you, and for all the abusive messages.

Poor ‘Barry’ and kids. I think you have done your best to be a supportive friend but you cannot be responsible for all your friends decisions. Even though the dad didn’t want this, they are still his kids and he needs to step up.

No. I said I don’t judge. I said I can see why it happens.

Are you kidding? 🤣 Your poor wickle brother continues to have unprotected sex and then reels in amazement when it results in pregnancy?

Totally agree.

Contraception can be used by either party… while it’s shit behaviour, I’m
astonished he keeps having unprotected sex.

I don't think it's that simple. A relationship is built on trust and mutual respect. If there is an agreement that they don't want more children then it's a betrayal of trust IMO to suddenly say "whoops, I'm pregnant now, tough shit sucka".

I think men should have the option of opting out if they don't want more children. But they'd have to sign something to this effect to stop them playing along for sex and then changing their story. Most women won't agree as many like to have their cake and eat it.

I wouldn't want 18 years of payments for a child I didn't want resting on whether a condom might break one day.

Does the same apply if a man really wants a child, but his partner doesn't, so he wears a condom but pokes holes in it?

Penetrative sex is not compulsory, you know that, right?