My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

If someone posted I have 10 children. Not my fault. The last six I was on birth control but that’s what nature intended. I’ll be honest, I’d not argue my point with them. Id think, fair comment.

Why would a woman necessarily abort if her birth control failed? I used birth control with the full knowledge it wasn't 100% and could fail. I also knew that in the event of a birth control failure, I would have that baby. I never had a birth control failure though. I did have one user failure baby

Among my friends, I have one who had a baby with an IUD in place the entire pregnancy. I have one who had a pill failure (granted several decades ago now). One with a condom failure.

OP, my brother is going through something very very similar. His partner keeps ‘accidentally’ falling pregnant. He was shocked by the first two, though of course loves them dearly, but made it very clear he did not want a third. In no time at all, she ‘accidentally’ fell pregnant again.
Some women are just manipulative and selfish. They stop at nothing to bring kids into this world no matter the cost.
Your friend is one of these people. I’m glad you have cut her off, you don’t need this in your life.
I feel sorry for her children, but they are not your responsibility.

You do know men can wear contraception and take precautions. It takes two to make a pregnancy.

Hopefully he's booked his vasectomy if he's done.

then like the OPs ex friends ex-husband, your brother is a gullible idiot.

One oops as a man is annoying but a lesson to be learned, two is just stupid, and 3 is taking the piss on his understanding of how sex=babies.

The pill very likely is 100% effective, just like all the other drugs that claim to be 99% point whatever effective. No drugs company is ever going to claim something’s 100% effective, they have to cover their own backs even if they are 100% sure it’s 100% effective. In this situation it sounds way more likely she deliberately skipped taking it to trick him into having another baby. She literally told the OP she was desperate for another baby!

I would be calling social services immediately. She is an unfit mother. That poor little boy.

Report, then cease all contact with her.

That man was not forced at gunpoint to have unprotected sex with his wife and a quick google would answer the question about being able to get pregnant when breastfeeding. Even if he was forced, that isn’t Barry’s fault and he is absolutely disgusting for abandoning his children.

Claire is a vile person.

Enjoy your life without these people in it.

People are getting really hung up on the father, just coming on to get more and more hyperbolic on it, to the point it is just noise now.

Yes, he has agency, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that his wife told him she was using a contraceptive, then deliberately and repeatedly sabotaged it.

It’s pointless , this was a klaxon call and people are just repeating what’s already said and copying one another but escalating it to see who can be the most disgusted. The op gets ghe point,

...and still telling OP what she should do when this all happened yesterday 🙄

It’s ridiculous isn’t it.

None of that detracts from the fact that for some women, it doesn't work.

It really does. If you’re saying
its a failure of the person taking the pill correctly you would be right. The pill does just not fail all over the place. Believe it or not tests have actually been carried out to prove this!

On another note I believe women have a want/need for a baby. I am in a minority and don’t judge women for making up the lie. But women need to lie because they will be judged.

If she lied about being on contraception, then she is wrong. That’s how op tells it.

Is that even informed consent? I wouldn’t think so.

Bloke probably thought it was a fluke the first time (with baby 3) and it wouldn’t happen again. If he knew it was sabotaged, would he have still continued to have sex?

Whole thing is a mess

You believe that women have the right to lie to a man in order to fall pregnant? How can you possibly believe this is acceptable?

Well done OP on dumping this 'friend' (not really a friend). I think you did absolutely the right thing in the circumstances, though it would have also been totally reasonable to call the Police. But better for a family member the child knows to pick him up.

I'd have a think about whether to refer to social services. Maybe, if you're still in touch, talk to her Mum about it. If the older children are in school, that's another option - to go and talk to the school safeguarding lead (DSL) in confidence so they are aware. Whilst they don't have responsibility for the younger children they can access supportive services for the entire family.

I think really either the school or SS need to know that she's abandoned a child with someone in this way so they can provide support for the children. She's neglected her responsibilities here. This time it was with someone responsible who could get in touch with her Mum. Maybe next time it won't be. The situation with the Dad isn't great either - it's very emotionally abusive to only acknowledge the two oldest children. That's going to mess them all up eventually.

It probably depends on how much support her Mum can / is willing to provide to plug the gaps.

It's easy to doubt facts on a thread like ths as 'Claire' seems so outrageous and OP has painted herself as quite saintly - possibly fairly. But look around, Claire sounds like has a touch of the Katie Price about her 'Just me and the kids now/love my kids/kids come first' except, for when they don't.

There are mothers our there who love their kids but just repeatedly prioritise their needs in the moment. New Man / Party / Whatever and whilst all those things should not be off the table just because you are a mother, you can't expect others to pick up your slack because you feel a bit selfish. Financially, timewise or anything else.

I know a mini-Claire and there is no questions she loves her kids, but she has made choices that mean she CAN'T just do what she wants, when she wants and she struggles with that. Hen Week in Ibiza and all the people who would normally help were going, and she had a complete meltdown about how selfish the bride and everyone else was because she couldn't get childcare. She is younger than me and at her stage in life, I wouldn't have been able to sort a week of childcare - ti's the deal you make with the universe isn't it,.

The coil is 99% effective not 100% - it can move or be expulsed by the body or it can run out of contraception after 5 years if not replaced.

10% of women fall pregnant while taking the pill.
This is mainly due to women forgetting to take the pill every day which is why the coil is far more effective. Some fall pregnant due to having a stomach bug or taking other medication that negatively impacts the pill including antibiotics, anti-depressants etc.

Many more women fall pregnant using condoms than using the coil or the pill.

Condoms fail in many scenarios:
out of date, stored in a warm place which weakens the latex, breakage, wrong size, incorrectly put on so insufficient space left at the tip to hold sperm which then "spills over", men failing to hold onto the base during withdrawal so sperm enters the vagina, men opening the package with their teeth and damaging the condom, using oil-based lubricants which cause the latex to break down immediately, etc.

There's a name for people who rely solely on condoms -> Parents.

Feels like chat gpt response. I don’t need contraceptive facts spewed at me. I’m merely pointing out how you don’t believe people when they say that contraception has failed and how your preferred method can also fail.

Like the facts you have googled say, not all methods are 100% effective. So why don’t you believe people? I’m guessing because you are dishonest yourself so can’t believe that people would tell the truth.

Again that's your choice. No one is making you continue a pregnancy if you don't want to

But why should OP have to spend the rest of the day, when she had plans she was looking forward to, chasing round trying to find someone to have the child? And, if it turned out no one was available, should she have just abandoned her plans to provide childcare herself?

She shouldn’t have to watch the child, she could have dropped off at the father as she said she could, she just didn’t think it was fair of him.

not condoning the mothers actions, im just saying it wasn’t at a point of calling the police. She knew there was a grand parent and parent able to step in.
It’s not right and it’s awful for the poor child but it be lot worse for a 2 year old if a police officer took them away.

Could she be pregnant again and booked in for a termination? Doesn’t excuse it. Just wondered if it was something serious. Is she at risk of harming herself?

I’m so sorry this has happened.