My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

Claire sounds an entitled waste of space.

I feel sorry for the ex who was tricked into two extra kids. I feel sorry for OP - these are not her kids. And I feel sorry for the kids who have such a crap mum.

I guess it's for Claire's mum to try to sort out..

What a horrible post. These children are not Ops responsibility. Just because a women doesn't have children doesn't mean she should drop everything to bloody mother someone else's! Sounds like she has done more than enough for Claire.

Jesus she sounds like an entitled loser and neglectful of an innocent 2 year old. Why are you friends?

Enjoy your new life without Claire OP. It sounds like a one way relationship anyway. She’ll be fucked without you by the sounds of it and her exH had the foresight to see what she was like.

I'm certainly intrigued (but can never know) about this bloke who's seeing a woman with FOUR young children...

Exactly. This is clearly the type of person who calls any criticism of a mum who is clearly harming her children “mum-shaming”. It is so reductive and unhelpful.

Being a mother does not mean you are entitled to your childfree friends labour or to denigrate their life choices. Especially when YOU, not them are the one who has made a series of poor decisions.

Eh?

My first thought would have been to wonder if the other 3 were safe.
I think you would struggle to get the police or ss involved,because this is more cf territory rather than criminal behaviour. She did not endanger the child and will be liw on their priorities list

Claire’s behaviour is abysmal. You have done nothing wrong OP

those kids are not your responsibility.

Some people should never be parents, OP, and it sounds like your ex friend is one of them. I'm glad you've cut her off, her shit isn't your responsibility.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously are you Claire as I can’t see how an unconnected person would take this view.

Claire is damn lucky @DojaPussy didnt call the police and drop Barry off with them, that’s what I would have done. She is a selfish cow & has dropped her child off with someone who has absolutely no obligation to care for him and has been very clear she can’t do so, so either she is an awful, neglectful mother or having a crisis, either way she needs intervention.

You need to give your head a wobble.

Claire is toxic and her ex is too, you get sterilised if you don’t want more children and not just ignore the younger two.
Claire will be pregnant soon with baby number five as she is only interested in herself and expects other people to help her and if they refuse she makes them do it.
I feel sorry for those children, it wouldn’t surprise me if she dumps them on SS’s doorstep one day!

Oh FFS, Claire behaved appallingly to her ex H in doing this, but that is nothing to do with the two kids who are growing up with a Dad who has nothing to do with them because of their mother.

He continued to have sex with her and no contraception is 100% foolproof. Still less with a broody wife who has already 'tricked' you into another child.

Regardless of the circumstances around their conception, the kids are his, and his responsibility and deserve a Dad in their life. To see two of his kids but not the others is frankly evil. Its cruel beyond belief. It will fuck them up for life. Imagine when they are 8 and have to see their siblings go off to see their Dad and they are left behind.

To not see the kids because he is protecting his ' quality of life', I have no fucking words for this.

The man is absolutely awful. They are his kids, his responsibility too. Making them suffer for life because of how they were conceived and his anger to his ex wife is fucking nasty.

Bloody hell, seeing two kids but not the others. PP was right, its fucking psychotic.

Agree @Highmole. I hope eventually his other kids will stop seeing him. He shouldn’t get to pick and choose.

I know of a young man who stopped seeing his grandmother when he grew up, because she refused to acknowledge or meet his three younger (mixed race) siblings.

And to all those posters expressing only sorry for the poor ex H , but no condemnation, how comfortable would you feel if you were explaining to those kids when they were 8, that is was ok that their Dad did not see them, but only their older siblings, as Mummy had tricked him into having them. So they mustn't be sad Daddy refuses to see them, as its understandable.

Would you honestly still think its a reasonable position of the Ex H if you had to explain it to the kids yourself?

It's never failed me either, both my kids were planned while off the pill, and i've never had anything close to an oops.. simply because if there is the slightest chance of an 'oops' i either insist on a condom, totally shut up shop, and generally cover myself by taking the MAP when needed. (3 times total in my lifetime and i'm 45)

However, that doesn't make its failure rate false.

Yes a lot of women 'oops' by missing it/taking it late/not realising certain foods and medication can interfere with it, but there are plenty of women who it simply does not work for, and unfortunately, they don't find that out until they get pregnant while taking it.

There’s a lot of internalised misogyny in this thread.

What a strange response. I know this from actual working within the law for over 27 years. In order to arrest or prosecute for abandonment the child has to be under a certain age, which this child is and has to be left in an unsafe place. Some of the legislation is very old and not fit for purpose. In my personal experience children have been left in social services receptions, in hospitals and at police stations and olive have not been abuse to persue abandonment. In lay terms of course it’s abandonment with a small a.

On mumsnet there is a high percentage of posters who know several people who have had an accident whilst on the pill.

This is absolute nonsense.

Also the amount of people who dedicate themselves to not getting pregnant seem to immediately crumble and have a baby after the apparent oops on birth control.

This is also nonsense.

HTH.

This is absolutely peak cheeky FC behaviour! You need to end this friendship (at least until her kids are grown!) BUT I would not call the police or SS. Calling ss on a friend is really horrible, even in this situation (unless a child is in genuine danger of course). Maybe she had a moment of madness that she deeply regrets, maybe it actually was an appointment that she really couldn’t miss. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt on the mother front, not on the friend front though, she’s using you. I’d drop him at his dad’s or grandparents, send her a message telling her how not ok what she did was and that your friendship is over. If she hassles you/keeps texting & ringing you block her

How it is nonsense considering there are hundreds if not thousands of posters on Mumsnet who will in turn know a LOT of women between them, quite a few of whom have had oopsies with the pill.

Just because it doesn't happen in your personal social circle doesn't mean it doesn't happen and doesn't make the posters talking about it liars.

What a bizarre attitude to have.

Why is it nonsense? It's no secret that, generally speaking, women are likely to be a little more keen than men to have children. And nature has blessed them with an extraordinarily powerful drive to repeatedly do so.

I mean you have literally proven my point. That’s a lot of failures for women’s birth control. Almost sounds like it’s not doing the job! Or is it more a case of a woman wanting a baby and her dh/partner just says no? Are you saying that is not a possibility for a majority of these cases?

The rest of them either didn’t take it properly or would have aborted. Because they didn’t want a baby. Sorry. You’re just really gullible.

Not just misogyny but complete disregard for children.

Some people on this thread on regarding children as commodities that can be dispensed with.

As if the wife came home with two rabbits he did not want, and he said ' Your rabbits, you look after them, I never wanted them.'

FFS.

I literally said upthread most are likely caused by lack of education, missing one/being late taking it, medication, illness/diet and other physical factors... so no, i'm not gullible, thanks.

None of that detracts from the fact that for some women, it doesn't work.

They're still all pill failures regardless of the failure being human error or biological reasons.