My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

OP you sound like you've been an amazing friend and a wonderful 'auntie' to her kids.
This woman is highly manipulative. She tricked her husband into two more children (to be fair he didn't exactly try hard to prevent it though). She came to you, ostensibly to apologise, and stormed off when you didn't cave in. It all sounds a bit pre-planned.
Whether she's depressed, struggling to cope or simply a poor parent is almost irrelevant right now. The bottom line is that those children need safeguarding.
I know you've said you won't go to SS now her mum is involved but could you approach the older kids' school and explain the situation? I'm not sure what they'd do with the information. Any safeguarding leads on here might have an idea.
You've rightly ended the friendship. I'm sorry she treated you so harshly.

😂 I am she

This thread was ridiculous before but now has totally jumped the shark!

Bad Claire. Poor Barry.

But she clearly needs help.

Good on you blocking her, she sounds like a waste of oxygen expecting everyone to bow down to her wants & wishes.

Wow! Are you OP's 'friend'?

Who will turn up on the thread next?

You’re asking questions you would know the answers to if you had continued reading 😂

Maybe the Easter Bunny?

I hope you’re taking at least 2 forms of contraceptive with your Friday afternoon hook up

I’m not surprised Claire left Barry with you as you pick up a lot of the pieces for her. If you continue with the friendship after this, you need clearer boundaries in place.

If you feel she needs support, call it through to social services. It’s not urgent though

I’m glad you’ve ended your friendship with Claire @DojaPussy

She’s a despicable human being, starting from the point she lied and manipulated her husband into thinking she was on birth control when she wasn’t, to have two more children he said he didn’t want, treating him, as she said in her own words, as a bank and a sperm donor. That’s absolutely disgusting, and if any man talked about a woman in those terms it would be seen as wholly abusive.

Then the fact that she now doesn’t even want the responsibility of these kids herself - and the fact that she thinks that you, who has chosen to be childfree, somehow owes her a debt to pick up the slack caring for her kids? Get to fuck honestly.

you’re so much better off with her out of your life.

I came late to this thread and did read the updates but I must have missed that part about Clare’s mum saying that. It’s unfortunately how a lot of people especially women see those without children. Aunties by force who must bend over backwards to be the “village” and get nothing back in return.

I had a childhood friend who had her child at 21 and she was still in party mode. She would leave her child with various people and I was wary of some of the characters she had on her babysitting list. So I used to step in a lot and would babysit her child overnight multiple times a week at some point in my mid 20s as someone who didn’t have kids and wasn’t working full time as I was studying. I used to also take her kid out on day trips and support her and her child in various ways.

If anyone had dared suggest I should be doing this or that for her, because I didn’t have children I would have walked away and did nothing . I don’t like entitlement. Especially when it’s a result of someone making poor decisions and trying to pass the buck.

ETA: I’ve just reread the updates and I think it was her, not her mum who said this. But most of what I said still applies. it’s even worse that she was the one who said this. What an ungrateful friend.

Let's hope Claire didn't get pregnant again in yesterday's encounter!!!

Jesus! Calm down there. Projecting?

I’ve never seen a live badger. I don’t doubt they exist because I’m aware that my experience doesn’t define the reality of the world.

I wouldn't be surprised. Who else would post such absolute nonsense?

This is what boundaries look like. Help and support become enablers after a while and people stop taking responsibility for their own lives,

I’m astounded that you can read the OPs posts and think she has done anything wrong.

Claire must have had her phone switched off or wasn’t checking it because I heard nothing until early evening where she had phoned repeatedly whilst I was in the gym and then she must have got in touch with her mum because I had a serious of abusive voice notes telling me it was fine for me to not know what it’s like to have kids and “be a proper adult” and that I have so much time where I could be helping with all the kids and if I was a true friend I would be.
I sent her a reply saying she was lucky I didn’t call the police and she needs to get her act together, she spent plenty of time telling me how motherhood was the only thing she wanted in life and I’ve done plenty to help over the years, her kids aren’t my responsibility and she should be appreciating what I have done rather then resenting what I haven’t!

“A proper adult”, okay people need to stop thinking having kids = proper adult. She is incredibly irresponsible, selfish, reckless and shortsighted as an adult who kept having more kids than she can handle against her husbands wishes.

OP is much more of a responsible adult to not have the kids she can’t or doesn’t want to manage.

Clare is actually a disgusting person for how she is harming the children and how she is treating@DojaPussy .

I won’t let her ex off the hook either though because he should’ve abstained or used a condom. And irrespective of what they did or didnt do the kids are now here, and he has a legal and moral responsibility to those children.

Initially I had some sympathy for him ending up with someone like Clare, but at the same time - this was who he chose to be with and he must take responsibility for that the same way women are always being told to choose better. And also his subsequent actions in abandoning his kids drains me of any sympathy I had for him.

The only victims in this are the kids. OP has been treated poorly of course , but she can just walk away and disentangle herself from this mess unlike the poor kids.

In fairness that 1% covers one posters cousins and at least 3 in their friendship group. Thats not how 1% works. Also that 1% would most probably get rid of the baby as people on birth control tend to not want a baby.

Well I can’t see anything in the law that says “oh but it’s ok if you’ve dropped the lid off with someone you know even though they’ve said they can’t look after them” - perhaps you could direct me to that part as you seem so sure,

Would it result in a prosecution? Unlikely. But it could if the CPS were to decide to go forward with it and make an example of her. And if the police got multiple reports of her doing this then it’s more likely to result in prosecution.

Ultimately the parent has dumped a child on an unrelated adult who has not agreed to be childcare. If she’d done that to her neighbour that she has never met would you still be saying it’s not illegal? Do you think it’s legally ok because she knows this person?

I can only assume you believe this because you choose to do similar with your own kids.

I think you've done the right thing, its a shame the friendship is over. But she appears to have been pushing boundaries for sometime with no respect for your life choices or plans. It's almost as though she saw you as a 'spare' parent with the responsibility to take poor Barry on a whim. I'm a single mum myself in my 40s with several childless friends. So, i am sympathic but this appears to be a longstanding thing where she just does what she wants, ignoring everyone elses wishes. In effect this sounds like karma. X

You sound hilarious!

Call social services

claire is not your friend. Ditch her

poor baby barry