My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

I'm sure it's been said but what he's doing to the kids, all 4 of them is extremely unfair. How awful to have 2 kids with the same woman who he sees and another 2 who he doesn't see. The 2 who he doesn't see will feel abandoned and like they're not good enough and the 2 eldest will probably feel guilt and shame even though they shouldn't.

I'd say abusive more than desperate.
She abandoned a 2 year old to go shag a new bloke.
She doesn't care about her own children - they're a means to an end.

or just simply ignore

I’ve got a friend like this, always brings the drama as a preamble to childcare ask. I’ve reminded her politely, that I only had one child because I’m not mad keen on children or baby sitting. I still get asked, I just say I’m busy. I’d phase this friend out.

Police and social services

neglect

To be fair this comment is everything I need to know about you. You know how sex works right? He didn’t trust her yet managed another 2 children. Absolute bollocks.

You’re naive to her and completely stupid for him. Bizarre thread!

It’s absolutely astounding the amount of people think it’s better to give the kid to police than just call their dad. He’s the one that’s left the mother to look after HIS FOUR children !

Take the child to the dad. Might make him decide to step up. What a piece of shit he is seeing 2 of his children and not the other 2.
I would also be doing a SS referral. Not to have the children taken... the threshold for that is high and hopefully not close to being met, but to get support.

She needs help, multiple levels. As her friends it's totally up to you whether you support her through that or not but that was a poor move from her and does sound like she was just desperate to see the new man.

As for the father, he done absolutely nothing, zero, to prevent the third and fourth child. It doesn't matter how miserable he was, that's the cold hard truth. It's high time he stepped up also.

If a man was putting holes in a condom or removed it by stealth and that resulted in pregnancy… it seems everyone would agree that was abusive and NOBODY would say “she could have abstained”. Why is it different this way around?

I agree with comments that it’s terrible he doesn’t see the younger too, but not how the father is being blamed for conceiving by not abstaining!

Gosh the level of stupidity on here - that man had 100% agency when it came to of his decision to undertake sexual intercourse - he knew the risks of pregnancy and was not coerced into sexual activity - which IPV is per definition

How is the the OPs problem

It's not quite the same because the burdens of pregnancy, birth & child rearing fall on the woman. But still, if a woman is certain she doesn't want to be a mother she ought not to rely only on condoms to prevent this.

hmmmm
I’d cut her off. This behaviour is so far out of line and so far over normal boundaries. You told her that you’d booked and paid for your activities. She completely ignored this and abandoned the child knowing that you wouldn’t leave him unsafe. She’s not only taken the piss to get free childcare, she’s shown you she gives no shits about your life. And prioritises shagging some rando.

just get rid
yes she has problems, but she’s also an abuser.

It isnt, but we are talking about a very small child, not an unwanted item of furniture.

Yes the father's child so it's his issue

If a woman who did not want a baby became pregnant after relying on a man to use protection, she would absolutely ensure she never relied on a man to prevent pregnancy again. She would take the pill, take the morning after pill or abstain.

She would not have baby after baby and then abandon them

Its called responsibility.

The OP's so called 'friend'' biggest mistake was having any kids at all with the piece of shit who has nothing to do with his own flesh and blood.

Poor little Barry. I would call the police, because that child isn’t safe with a mother who is either having a breakdown or a massive manipulative drama queen who is happy to dump him on anyone who stands still long enough.

Just came back to do an update and see there is a “cancel the cheque” saga going on with people still commenting as though I’m still pondering what to do hours later 😂.

I am a lot calmer after a semi relaxing afternoon and wine but my friendship with Claire is over.

Claires mum collected Barry and said she was going to keep a close eye on the situation and if she hears about Claire doing anything like this again she will remove Barry herself.
She thinks a large part of it today was Claire being manipulative but she does think she’s overwhelmed and struggling to cope and said she’s angry at her choices and and thinks as I don’t have children that I should be doing a lot more to help.

Claire must have had her phone switched off or wasn’t checking it because I heard nothing until early evening where she had phoned repeatedly whilst I was in the gym and then she must have got in touch with her mum because I had a serious of abusive voice notes telling me it was fine for me to not know what it’s like to have kids and “be a proper adult” and that I have so much time where I could be helping with all the kids and if I was a true friend I would be.

I sent her a reply saying she was lucky I didn’t call the police and she needs to get her act together, she spent plenty of time telling me how motherhood was the only thing she wanted in life and I’ve done plenty to help over the years, her kids aren’t my responsibility and she should be appreciating what I have done rather then resenting what I haven’t!

There was a further exchange that got a bit nasty so I have blocked her because I tried to end it and she kept sending nasty messages.
At no point did she come across as someone overwhelmed by the responsibility of being a lone parent and it was more like she was having a tantrum because she wanted the day to herself - more then likely to see her new man but she denied that and said it was “an urgent appointment”.

As for her exH, I was probably a bit more generous towards him in my OP then I would be normally just out of anger towards Claire and on behalf of the the kids in this situation. I suppose I saw it that if she hadn’t pushed for this then those poor kids wouldn’t have a mother determined to dump them at every opportunity.

I do also think if you love and trust someone enough to marry them then you should be able to trust them over a big decision like bringing another life into the world especially if they make a promise they don’t want another and understand the reasons why.
I know that Claire told me her exH had tried to insist wearing condoms but she accused him of cheating and saying that’s the only reason a married couple would need them when she was on long term birth control, she told me and her ex you can’t get pregnant breast feeding and we both believed it, (she pretended she believed it herself) I was sure I’d heard it before and she said he just accepted it because he trusted her.
She was massively against the vasectomy and tried to talk him out of it, I think if he wasn’t going to go ahead so quickly she might have waited before Barry “accidentally” was conceived.

I’m not the kids stepmother as a pp hilariously suggested and don’t even know her exH very well, I just know she’s been a manipulative over everything else and I don’t agree with him not seeing the kids but I have a SOME sympathy for him. I know he loved Claire and was happy with their life and his reasons for not wanting more children were valid.

Hopefully this won’t happen again and Claire probably got a shock that I didn’t drop everything to babysit, she might realise she isn’t always going to get her own way in life and her mother will be looking out for the kids.
I don’t want to go to social services now because that just looks malicious and like I don’t trust her mother to keep the kids safe.

He didn't know the how high the risk of pregnancy was though, if she tells him she's on contraception and she isn't then the risks are much higher than he might reasonably believe. She lied to him.

I'm not defending him abandoning two of his children, that's clearly wrong. But lying to your partner about what contraception you are taking is absolutely wrong too, it's coercive. I have a very low opinion of anyone who lies to their partner in this way.

As an example, I am currently on the pill. Myself and my partner have both decided not to use condoms together as I'm on the pill and it's got a pretty low failure rate if it's taken perfectly. My partner doesn't watch me take the pill every day, that would be weird and controlling. He trusts me to let him know if I decide to stop taking it, it would be a joint decision. A healthy relationship needs to have that trust.

She would also have the option on a termination which men don't

That might be fair enough for baby #3, but not for baby #4. Plenty of time to arrange a vasectomy between the two.

Agreed

Men can put on protection , they have far more control over pregnancy than women.

When baby no. three arrived and was unwanted by the loser father, then he should have ensured baby no. four was never going to happen.