Child not invited to party despite being friendst with the mum

[dual90]

Recently we’ve become quite friendly with a mum and child who is in the same class as my child, we’ve had a few play dates, I have had them over on a few occasions, in the fact the last one a couple of weeks ago. The children play really nicely together and ok, not best friends at school, but would consider them friendly. However, the mum has been having an incredibly difficult time, and obviously I’m quite aware that this has an impact. But yesterday my child came home from school quite upset that this child had been handing out invites for a themed birthday party and didn’t invite them…I was kind of surprised really, I then said it maybe be because they can only have so many people, but my child then replied, no she was ‘boasting’ that they can have lots of people and even had a space left over but didn’t want to invite her. Now, I don’t think my child is overly upset, but I feel it’s hurt me a little bit as I’ve really tried to be friendly with the mum and be an ear for her during an incredibly difficult time, and what is more odd is that they have invited my child to two previous birthday parties before and we’ve always invited them. I’m aware that now they are 6 the parties are becoming less and I understand the mum may have on this occasion just left the list up to the child, but they’ve invited people that ( according to my child ) that they are normally even friendly with, I suppose I thought there was an unwritten rule that you’d invite people or influence who to invite by who you maybe spend time with, but it’s made me a little upset I know it shouldn’t but I just don’t feel I would have done that to them. I even bumped into the mum yesterday, because my child was upset I just wondered if she would mention anything or say there was a mistake, but seemed to want to change the subject. Yes, I will admit I’m a little hurt, and I know it’s crazy and I’m well aware my child isn’t best friends with the child, but sometimes it feels a little personal. Should I mention this other mum? And please this part of parenting I’m finding quite hard. And no, my child has not been invited to any parties this year so far.

You don't know the reasons your child hasn't been invited. A 6 year old isn't going to necessarily know/tell the truth. Maybe they were just asked to invite 10 school friends.
I wouldn't go mentioning it to the other mum.

There isn’t really an unwritten rule that you have to invite the children of the mind you spend time with.

quite apart from anything else the children do not always get on, there’s always lots of posts on here about that exact topic.

not a good idea to ask for an invite.

this sort of stuff happens unfortunately. It is very upsetting (my child wanted to be invited to everything).

I wouldn't take it personally. When DC were v little they didn't have friends as such so if course the children at their parties were my friends' children. When they were 4ish they had some friends but I'd still be inviting my friends' kids (that we would meet up with from time to time not just random). By six though they had more friends and their own ideas as to who they wanted there and the friends kids gradually faded out of parties.

They don’t have to invite your child, of course, but you’re not unreasonable to reassess your friendship with the Mum as a result either. It sounds like you’re the one showing all the kindness here.

I wouldn't mention it. I would imagine the child chose the friends and didn't include your child for whatever reason. I remember a year when my son didn't want to invite his long term best friend because he was annoying him at school. I was mortified as I was close friends with the mum and tried to persuade him. He did invite him in the end and they just went back to normal.

No certainly wouldn’t ask for an invite, anc certainly would be subtle about it

Children make stuff up and play power games.

Party planning is difficult. You want to invite the children yours is friends with. Then you feel you should reciprocate invitations yours has received - but this favours DC with birthdays early in the school year and disadvantages those with summer birthdays. Then you want to include the DC of your own friends - but they’re not necessarily the ones your child likes best. By this time your list is too long and you have to make difficult choices.

If I was the other child’s mum I’d want to know if my child was being mean and rubbing it in another child’s face that they weren’t invited.

I’d be inclined to want to ask the mum if my child has upset theirs given how she was acting towards her at school. I appreciate mentioning this may affect your friendship but at the same time I think is out the friendship on the back burner after this anyway.

Your child didnt get an invite why is that not enough you dont need to say anything

For some children at that age, parties are a form of currency. I agree with the others that the reason could be something you have never considered.

My friend's daughter refused to invite a child she had known since nursery because the other girl 'wasn't nice anymore'. Mum didn't realise there was any issue and mentioned it to the TA who said her daughter hadn't been picked first by her friend to play a game and her daughter was so mad at her friend.

I was also that mum suggesting my daughter invite a girl because the mum and I went for coffees. You mention the mum seeming embarassed and changing the subject suggests she has done something similar with the party girl.

The fact your daughter has mentioned it but doesn't seem to bothered by is a good thing. I'm afraid it's an early life lesson. Maybe plan something nice for that day/afternoon so she has something to look forward to. Just this once as the party is a big talking point at school.

Honestly, ‘they play nicely on play dates’ - because what choice is there? But ‘not the best friends at school’. You answered your own question right there.

Your friendship with the mum is separate from the children’s relationship.

You need to toughen up and stop taking things personally that actually have nothing to do with you. You will ruin friendships - for yourself and your child - if you carry on like this.

Just because you get on with the mum doesn't mean the kids are close or want each other at parties. At age six they start picking who they want, it's got nothing to do with your relationship with mum.

They are so fickle at that age and in primary generally. So far this year my son has stopped being friends with people for reasons such as 'made me throw my apple on the floor' and 'was flicking me with his jumper' and 'bumped into me at playtime' and other such things... this can last a few days or a month or two before they are friends again.
I imagine for some reason or another at this poin in time the girl does not want to be friends with your child, however next week it could change and they will be best friends: and in any case if two kids don't like each other but their mums are hanging out, the kids will still play together and find some common ground for those few hours even if they are not actual friends.

Plan a lovely activity or day out with your child that day.

Honestly, it doesn’t take long before you get some cold reply on here. When I say not best friends at school, I don’t mean they don’t like each other they are just not the ones who play with each other. Obviously I don’t know what happens at school. I’m just looking for a compassionate human response. I’m learning, just like any other parent is, I guess I would have edged towards including her, however let’s be honest, not everyone who is invited to parties are not necessarily all best friends are they?

Perhaps have a chat with the teacher and ask how your child is mixing.
Yanbu to feel a little hurt but it happens so try not to take it too personally.
I would wait for them to invite you for a playdate, I certainly wouldn't ask them for another one.

Well I’m aware of that. I was just a little surprised that’s all, as you must realise that you will find out. I’m certainly not expecting my child to be invited to everything, but yes I realise it was the child’s choice and they didn’t choose my child. Look, I’m learning, that’s all and trying to navigate these situations with j the best way I can.

Thank you for a good a lovely response - sadly on here it’s not long before you get vitriol! I’m just learning and I’m trying to get a compassionate human response. I just feel I would have persuaded my child to include them as let’s be honest not everybody is going to best friends at the party…

It’s definitely a learning curve @dual90 - in my experience, it is around 6 that different approaches including the kids preferences really come out. Some people are strict about return invites, some are very “inclusive” in their invites, other have different plans and approaches (and budgets).

I also find it difficult!! The trick here I think is to make space for your daughter to share feelings and navigate it, without making it a big deal.

I agree with @Katflapkit that mentioning it, but not dwelling on it, shows your daughter is figuring it out and using you as a sounding board. This is great! She obviously feels safe sharing with you.

I became friends with a woman who had a child the same age as mine, not at the same school. They were very small then, some years passed. DS didn’t want to meet up anymore, he didn’t like the other boy and to be honest the only thing they had in common by then was their Mothers were friends as they started to develop and weren’t just little tiny children anymore and their own personalities had developed.

Children tend to behave more freely with how they feel because they have not learnt social nuances. Children have brutal honesty.

Be careful being anxious as children can pick this up.

Is the birthday child a bully or are they bullied at school?

You say "they are not the ones that play with each other at school".

Unless the child is a bully and the definition of the kids she doesn't want at her party is "the silly kids she bullies" or she is bullied and the definition of the kids she doesn't want at her party is "the ones that bully her", then it's "the ones she doesn't play with" the only definition of who not to invite? If they aren't doing a full class party, then that is sure the line!

I would be concerned yours has had no invites so far this year. Its almost half the year.
Is yours one of the younger in year? Have you hosted a party?
Honestly i would focus more on your kids actual friends.

The 'compassionate human response' is that the children only play together on playdates because you are friends with the other child's mother. They don't play with one another at school. Therefore the other child didn't invite yours to her party because she's not someone she chooses to spend time with when it's not compelled by her mother's friendships.

It's not that complicated, and you'll do your child a favour if you learn to distinguish between your relationships and those of your daughter.

She’s one of the youngest. And I mean this year as of January. She was invited to a couple at the beginning of the school year.