Child not invited to party despite being friendst with the mum

[dual90]

Recently we’ve become quite friendly with a mum and child who is in the same class as my child, we’ve had a few play dates, I have had them over on a few occasions, in the fact the last one a couple of weeks ago. The children play really nicely together and ok, not best friends at school, but would consider them friendly. However, the mum has been having an incredibly difficult time, and obviously I’m quite aware that this has an impact. But yesterday my child came home from school quite upset that this child had been handing out invites for a themed birthday party and didn’t invite them…I was kind of surprised really, I then said it maybe be because they can only have so many people, but my child then replied, no she was ‘boasting’ that they can have lots of people and even had a space left over but didn’t want to invite her. Now, I don’t think my child is overly upset, but I feel it’s hurt me a little bit as I’ve really tried to be friendly with the mum and be an ear for her during an incredibly difficult time, and what is more odd is that they have invited my child to two previous birthday parties before and we’ve always invited them. I’m aware that now they are 6 the parties are becoming less and I understand the mum may have on this occasion just left the list up to the child, but they’ve invited people that ( according to my child ) that they are normally even friendly with, I suppose I thought there was an unwritten rule that you’d invite people or influence who to invite by who you maybe spend time with, but it’s made me a little upset I know it shouldn’t but I just don’t feel I would have done that to them. I even bumped into the mum yesterday, because my child was upset I just wondered if she would mention anything or say there was a mistake, but seemed to want to change the subject. Yes, I will admit I’m a little hurt, and I know it’s crazy and I’m well aware my child isn’t best friends with the child, but sometimes it feels a little personal. Should I mention this other mum? And please this part of parenting I’m finding quite hard. And no, my child has not been invited to any parties this year so far.

I think I did influence my dcs party choices and would have made sure your dd was invited especially if their parent had been supportive to me or my dcs had been to their parties etc

unless their dd really didn’t get in with my dd

i would step away from this women

It’s a difficult one and I found this so hard as a parent. Sadly, it will happen again and again as they grow up. My advice, Do not ask for an invite. Do not bring it up.

Well, so am I @DeftGoldHedgehog but if that’s what happened it’s unlikely that’s the only method of sending invites. I mean, if it’s not a mix up which seems to be the case then the other mum is in the position of saying ‘sorry, no mix up, Olivia isn’t invited. See you Thursday?’ That really IS awkward.

Is your child in year 1 or year 2?

I think six year olds mostly DO know who they are friends with tbh and want to invite to their parties!

If the party isn't a whole class one and is limited on numbers then the child should be choosing the children they choose to play with at school, that's quite normal if it's not a full class party.

It sounds like you feel more aggrieved by this than your child. It's important you help them to not take it to heart.

If it has left you feeling unvalued by this child's mum that is a separate issue and one you can action by changing how much of yourself and your child's company you offer to the family going forward.

Not really, then at least you know where you are either way and don't have to rely on hearsay from a six year old!

You already know where you are on account of the fact you haven't been invited!

The way it has been done is inappropriate and it may be worth mentioning to the school but you can’t effectively put someone in the position of either hastily inviting you or awkwardly explaining that no, your child hasn’t been invited!

But are they the only one left out? You do seem to be making a deal if your child should be invited.

I agree if the child was handing out invites in the playground that is wrong (and a staff member should have intervened) but you still can't stop children talking. You don't know for certain your child was told there was space but your child just isn't allowed to go.

This is my view. And I’m surprised at these very unemphathtic responses.

Your feelings are completely valid and honestly most parents would feel exactly the same way. When you have invested time, friendship and emotional support into someone and it isn't reciprocated in even the smallest way, it stings. And, it is allowed to sting.

Children at this age are notoriously fickle with friendships and the birthday list is often completely disconnected from what the adults are doing. The mum may genuinely not know or may feel awkward and not know how to address it, hence changing the subject.

The fact your child isn't devastated is actually the most important thing here. Children often take their emotional cues from us so staying light about it with her is the best thing you can do even when you're privately a bit hurt.

On whether to mention it to the mum, only you can judge that relationship. If it feels like a genuine friendship worth protecting a very light "my little one noticed she didn't get an invite, no worries at all just wanted to check there wasn't a mix up" gives her the chance to respond well. If she doesn't, that tells you everything you need to know about the friendship.

You sound like a really caring mum and friend. Not everyone deserves that energy but you will always be the better for giving it.

This OP.
Be very conscious, sounds like the mum is happy taking advantage of your kindness. But look at your relationship with her - i wouldn't be surprised if it's more one sided than not.

I’m well aware I can’t completely trust what a 6 year olds perception of what happened is true. I’m also aware that she won’t be invited to every party. However, I was a little surprised at this one. That’s all.

Thank you for your kind and caring response, I’ve been made to feel like I’m completely mad even questioning this. Like how dare you! I totally understand that this may have been the child’s choice and that’s that, but there is still a part of me that thinks it could be a bit personal, and when that comes to your child of course that makes you concerned and upset.

Then I go back to my original point of you seeing your friendship as more significant and therefore feeling your child deserved a place. You sound like you have been inviting them over, maybe they wouldn't have been bothered without you making the effort.
Focus on making friends with the other mums.

I wouldn’t be expecting an invite and even if that did happen I know it would be an after thought or guilt. So no, but yes you are right, it’s made me realise where I stand with this person, I will also mention it to the school. And whilst I understand that my child won’t be invited to all parties, I do find this odd as we’ve been invited previously, no it’s not a big deal, she’s not overly devastated, but it does make you question other things, it’s a learning curve, and on reflection it’s made me realise a few things.

You do realise that for a lot of working or otherwise busy parents, organising a birthday party is just another task to tick off the list?

Book something, pick a suitable number of children for the venue / activity, job done.

Most people don’t have time, energy or inclination for all this overthinking.

I certainly wasn’t suggesting I ask for an invite, definitely not. I was asking for advice and opinion.

They do, however let’s be honest if you have say 10 at a party, not just small get together it’s unlikely all of those children are close friends. And yes some of those invites maybe diplomatic or reciprocal! That’s all.

When you say the child was handing out invites, are you sure they were definitely doing that themselves within school time or is it possible this is another thing that has potentially been muddled in how it occured.
Though however if is done it is very hard to be discreet (I work in KS1 and there have been no whole class parties in year 1 or 2 in the time I have worked in these year groups. Parents normally give around 6-12 invites, usually across 2 classes, for staff to hand out. We need children to be aware so cannot just sneak into bags like some people think, so when they are handed out children are told to put them immediately into their bags but other children do still see this).

I’m a busy working mum who has hosted parties. I have put a lot of thought into it!

Please don't ever feel mad for questioning it. You're her mum so, of course it's going to affect you! That protective instinct is exactly what it should be. Just keep doing what you're doing. Your daughter is lucky to have someone in her corner who notices and cares.

@Moonnstarz isn’t it more sensible and infinitely kinder to suggest parents message one another so the children are not aware?

You clearly put a lot of thought into child-related things. Many parents do not. You do get that people are different and have different priorities from you?

I think that would have been a better idea, and in this instance if it being a smaller party or she wanted to exclude my child - it might have been the most sensible thing to do. This feels clumsy and now very awkward.

Thank you xx

Yes but not all parents have people's details. And even that can cause upset in groups as you get the whole 'are Sam's parents in this group? Anyone know Charlie's mum?' so it is still obvious to parents what is going on which in this situation would still be upsetting to the OP.