Child not invited to party despite being friendst with the mum

[dual90]

Recently we’ve become quite friendly with a mum and child who is in the same class as my child, we’ve had a few play dates, I have had them over on a few occasions, in the fact the last one a couple of weeks ago. The children play really nicely together and ok, not best friends at school, but would consider them friendly. However, the mum has been having an incredibly difficult time, and obviously I’m quite aware that this has an impact. But yesterday my child came home from school quite upset that this child had been handing out invites for a themed birthday party and didn’t invite them…I was kind of surprised really, I then said it maybe be because they can only have so many people, but my child then replied, no she was ‘boasting’ that they can have lots of people and even had a space left over but didn’t want to invite her. Now, I don’t think my child is overly upset, but I feel it’s hurt me a little bit as I’ve really tried to be friendly with the mum and be an ear for her during an incredibly difficult time, and what is more odd is that they have invited my child to two previous birthday parties before and we’ve always invited them. I’m aware that now they are 6 the parties are becoming less and I understand the mum may have on this occasion just left the list up to the child, but they’ve invited people that ( according to my child ) that they are normally even friendly with, I suppose I thought there was an unwritten rule that you’d invite people or influence who to invite by who you maybe spend time with, but it’s made me a little upset I know it shouldn’t but I just don’t feel I would have done that to them. I even bumped into the mum yesterday, because my child was upset I just wondered if she would mention anything or say there was a mistake, but seemed to want to change the subject. Yes, I will admit I’m a little hurt, and I know it’s crazy and I’m well aware my child isn’t best friends with the child, but sometimes it feels a little personal. Should I mention this other mum? And please this part of parenting I’m finding quite hard. And no, my child has not been invited to any parties this year so far.

I’m aware of that. I’m just thinking of more diplomatic reasons - however I doubt all the people that have been invited are their best friends

I'm with you OP! My children know that if they accept to go to someone's bday party then that person gets invited for their birthday as well (unless major fallout). It's about reciprocity and I would find it rude if my kid wasn't included (if large bday party) and would go on not to invite that child to dcs next party. There is an unwritten contract about these things that most mums know about despite what some people are saying on here.

Sorry you’ve had shitty replies.

I would stop the play dates and stop the support for the mum.

Also don’t invite the child to parties anymore.

I didn't think any replies had been particularly shitty tbh.

Yabu OP, I would feel the same

Yes we have hosted parties and always included them, and it does feel their is a bit of unwritten rule on how you do these things, of course you can’t expect invites - of course nobody should feel obliged, but when you’ve spent time with somebody unless it’s blatantly obvious that your kids don’t get in ( which is it isn’t ) you’d still invite them, or persuade them to invite them because let’s be honest, half of the influence comes from the parents, hence why the cliques just invite each others kids! There is a little more to this story which I won’t share but it gives a bit more context to why it feels like a personal slight, and of course you are going to be upset if your child has been excluded and you worry it might be because of something you’ve done.

Thank you by the way. I nearly felt like I was going slightly mad.

Yes, quite a few were. Read back.

I actually do have good reason to take this personally. There is more to this story than I’ve shared in here, which is why I’m suspicious it might be a personal slight. It might not be, but let’s be honest, most kids invited to this party are hardly going be all ‘really good friends’ and yes, the parents do influence the list, which makes me think this might have been deliberate.

Did you leave the mum out when going out with other adults? Is that what could be personal

My experience with this sort of thing is that there doesn’t seem to be any decency or reciprocity with party invites as far as a lot of mums are concerned. I think if you are friends and have had play dates I would be making sure an invite went to you regardless of the child’s preferences. Some people just don’t give a shit. You can try and reason it out until the cows come home but ime you’re wasting your time. I would be mentally placing her in the shit bin and giving her a wide berth. If you’re not good enough for an invite I wouldn’t be extending any further invites and I wouldn’t be providing any more listening ears. When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time as they say.

Why would my child get an invite just because we invited them to ours? Even children should be allowed to invite who they want without it being some 'mummy' political thing

You can’t expect replies that take into account some incident you hadn’t even alluded to in your posts. Not sure why you’d take this personally- it’s about it not being personal but a matter of your child and her child not being the friend it would be convenient for them to be.

On the face of it agree with Lottiegarbanzo that this sounds like a kid forced into playing with someone they don’t feel particularly friendly with because their mother forces them to so she can spend time with you. Then, when they have something that’s supposed to be for them they are putting their foot down. And the mum has maybe realised they’ve been unfair forcing a friendship that doesn’t exist.

If something else has happened that might make this scenario a poor reading but we can’t consider that if you haven’t mentioned it. That’s why drip feeding has such a poor reputation on here.

Given what the child said to yours it certainly all sounds deliberate. They would only have said that with the intent to hurt. But do you mean deliberate of the mum?

In any case, this is not a child to have play dates with anymore unless there is a clear friendship between them in the future. And a mum who is supposed to be a friend who won’t address the party invite with you (because yes, I agree, unspoken rule of reprocity) is not much of a friend.

No, it has absolutely nothing to do with that. There is another issue. To be honest, we don’t have that kind of friendship anyway.

If she's your friend, just text her and ask. I would have done this, not demanding an invite but just wondering whether there had been a mix up.

No, that isn’t the case at all. Unfortunately I think messages don’t really convey what really happened. They’ve never been ‘forced’ to play with each other, we aren’t a really close friendship, if anything it was budding friendship and we’ve had a few play dates not lots. The child in question is actually quite shy and no, she hasn’t invites lot of close friends to the party as far as I can tell, also let’s be honest kids of this age don’t necessarily have a lot of close friends and you tend to be friends with people in the hope that maybe your children may become friends, we aren’t t talking about older children or teenagers who have their friends based on their interests yet. It’s quite parent led. So no, no forced play dates, no I’m overly friendly with mum so you have to get on, it wasn’t that at all. But sadly I can’t really convey what the situation is on here or articulate it the right way.

I think maybe you view the friendship with the other mum as more significant than she sees you as a friend.

I think you need to accept your children aren't friends. Don't organise playdates unless they specifically ask for them.
If you do want to continue to socialising with this mum then keep it separate to the children.

I don't always understand the whole idea of inviting who invites you. Unless spaces are infinite then you can't always do that! My children have always had parties where the numbers have been limited. They choose their friends at that time. My daughter's friends have changed each year. People either accept the invite or decline. No one brings up well we invited your child last year but you didn't invite mine until this year.

I think there is a social etiquette to these things whether you like to admit it or not or whether you believe that’s right. It has shown me who she is by doing this, especially if I think it may have been deliberate. No, we don’t expect invites, nobody should feel obligated to return an invite, but isn’t that how we work in society? Of course she may have simply just let the child choose and had no hand in it, that’s fair enough. But if the child an an invite and deliberately excluded my child, my thoughts are this could be deliberate.

I don’t think the other child should have been handing out invitations like that.

This is why I will hold out for inviting the whole class for as long as I can though; it’s so hurtful for children if they end up excluded from parties.

It isn’t about politics either, it’s just about manners.

You really can’t do that; it’s beyond awkward. They have one another’s contact details; the other mum will reach out if there has been a mix up but realistically there won’t have been.

Of course you would never say that and I accept that you won’t always be invited back. No I won’t be socialising with the mum, and no they are still young, hardly going to leave them out because there is some weird beliefs that they ‘don’t get on’ it’s far more complicated than that. And yes you would feel a bit offended that your child has been excluded. I wasn’t close friends with this person at all, but tried to be supportive of her. It’s not like our children despised each other and I forced them to play! I think they are still discovering friendships at this age, and every child could potentially be a friend.

I would feel a bit hurt by this OP. I wouldn't mention the party but I would step back a bit from helping out the other mum as I wouldn't feel like my help was being valued.

"she was boasting and saying there was a space left over but didn't want to invite her"

Sounds like the sort of thing my imaginative middle DD would have come up with. The reality would be much more along the lines of:
Dd: can I come?
Party girl: Mummy said I could only invite 10

So nothing at all like what she said.

She'd then make up in her head how there was space and party girl was deliberately leaving her out, and it would become real to her so she'd sound so convincing. She'd give me whole lengthy conversations that never existed. (She's now an actress so putting that to good use)

Just say "oh well, you can't go to them all" and move on. This is the point that parties start getting smaller and they stop being mum's friends and start being my friends, and you say they don't play together at school, which is your answer.

I think generally people are so self absorbed and rude and parents are failing to educate their children about other people's feelings when they do
stuff like this. My dd was not invited to a birthday party that you can see the childs house from our front room window. My dd only found out about it, after her friends announcement they could see our house from the party and were waving. Again I was more upset than my dd. I just think it is cruel to do stuff like this, and I just never would.

It's not "beyond awkward," it's a perfectly straightforward question when paper invitations have been given out. The kids are six, not 14.

TBH I'm surprised anyone does invitations that way at all now, particularly relying on a young child to give them out in class which is pretty "awkward" for the children. We did paper invitations with DD1 who is nearly 21, and all the class were invited, but with DD2 (17) everyone just made a Whatsapp group with the child's name and added the parents.