Child not invited to party despite being friendst with the mum

[dual90]

Recently we’ve become quite friendly with a mum and child who is in the same class as my child, we’ve had a few play dates, I have had them over on a few occasions, in the fact the last one a couple of weeks ago. The children play really nicely together and ok, not best friends at school, but would consider them friendly. However, the mum has been having an incredibly difficult time, and obviously I’m quite aware that this has an impact. But yesterday my child came home from school quite upset that this child had been handing out invites for a themed birthday party and didn’t invite them…I was kind of surprised really, I then said it maybe be because they can only have so many people, but my child then replied, no she was ‘boasting’ that they can have lots of people and even had a space left over but didn’t want to invite her. Now, I don’t think my child is overly upset, but I feel it’s hurt me a little bit as I’ve really tried to be friendly with the mum and be an ear for her during an incredibly difficult time, and what is more odd is that they have invited my child to two previous birthday parties before and we’ve always invited them. I’m aware that now they are 6 the parties are becoming less and I understand the mum may have on this occasion just left the list up to the child, but they’ve invited people that ( according to my child ) that they are normally even friendly with, I suppose I thought there was an unwritten rule that you’d invite people or influence who to invite by who you maybe spend time with, but it’s made me a little upset I know it shouldn’t but I just don’t feel I would have done that to them. I even bumped into the mum yesterday, because my child was upset I just wondered if she would mention anything or say there was a mistake, but seemed to want to change the subject. Yes, I will admit I’m a little hurt, and I know it’s crazy and I’m well aware my child isn’t best friends with the child, but sometimes it feels a little personal. Should I mention this other mum? And please this part of parenting I’m finding quite hard. And no, my child has not been invited to any parties this year so far.

Because it’s a nice thing to do? Normal even. I honestly don’t understand people like you. How anyone with good conscience can sit in someone else’s living room on a play date and then proceed to leave their child out of a party is beyond me.

This is quite mad. Play dates aren’t a big deal — I hosted them all the time when I was able to arrange it with working hours, or DH did.A child or children plays at your house for a couple of hours. It’s not as though you gave someone a kidney!

And that’s what you got. This won’t be the last time your child doesn’t get an invitation from someone you thought they would. The thing to focus on is not your feelings about it (you said your kid wasn’t that bothered), but instead use it as an opportunity to help your child develop resilience. Otherwise you get children who grow up disappointed with unrealistic expectations that the world just isn’t going to meet and taking small things very personally. That last bit may sound familiar?

My thoughts exactly! This isn’t mummy politics either, we weren’t close friends I just tried to be supportive! However you open up play dates with different kids in the hope that new friendships will blossom. What I find so odd about some replies here is it’s so black and white, like well she doesn’t play or even like your child that much so why would they invite her! But that’s not the case, it’s more that at this point they don’t know each other that well! But could have potentially become friends. I’m also of the belief that cliques should not be formed at this age and we need to be exploring friendships all the time. Which is why I’m baffled at these responses!

No. I was surprised at this that all, and in fact I have good reason to believe this maybe personal. And as mother you are filing to question things.

That’s for them to manage, though. It really isn’t right at all for children to be giving out invitations in the school playground and for staff to be involved in inviting children.

I think most people are reasonable and understand that their child won’t be invited to everything but it is really rude to invite some to a party and not others in full view of others.

I get where you’re coming from and I’d be pissed off. It sounds like the mum has been more than happy to use you as a support but hasn’t had the consideration to invite your DC. And as if 6 year olds just get free rein about their parties she whom they’re inviting, without the mum’s input!

I think 6 year olds can actually be quite horrible to each other but they don’t have the social filter to really get that. it’s possible your children had a minor tiff, party girl refused to invite her and then was mean. I also think paper invitations are a nightmare

Class numbers can make parties quite tricky. I’ve always said to mine that you either do all the girls for example or 3-4 of them. I really don’t like the idea of having a party for 10-12 and excluding 2-4 of the group. This year my own 6 year old wanted to not invite one child and I just wouldn’t let her. I found it easier for my eldest as she had quite a tight friendship group but my youngest is a floater

Yeah? Maybe they’re exploring new friendships with other children at the moment. That would comply with your policy would it not?

Honestly, it’s just one party, let it go. This will be harder when they’re older - when it will happen.

Our school has a really good approach that unless you’re inviting the whole class, don’t bring the invites into school. We always do whole class, err on side of inclusivity, check if siblings need to come etc. and thankfully a lot of other parents have similar mind frame. It’s so hard when your child feels hurt but talk it through with him, use it as an opportunity to explore what a good friendship is and then do something lovely with him. I would probably pull back a little from my friendship with the mom as realistically at six she could have shaped the invitations slightly and chose not to.

I think children’s friendships are often fairly fluid at this age. They fall in and out of friendships all the time and as pp have said a lot of it can be to do with sorting out a ‘pecking order’ and parties are often a bit of a power play. Maybe the party girl took umbrage at something your dd did, or didn’t do, or say, maybe she’s jealous of her for some reason, maybe they are just not really friends, other than through your friendship with the mother. I wouldn’t give it any more thought.
It happened the other way round to me. I must have been about 7 and had been invited to a party, but the party girl said to one of her best friends, in front of me, “I didn’t want to invite her, but my Mum said I had to.” 😁
I’d just be matter of fact and tell your daughter that there are all sorts of reasons people get, or don’t get, invited to parties, and not to worry about it.

@dual90 I’ve been on mumsnet years and have a child that’s gone right through primary school. I used to be surprised by threads like this as well but you can only conclude that some people are selfish and don’t give a shit.

We don't have the relevant information though to give a balanced opinion. You obviously know there could be something else in the mix, but can't say what it is, so this is all a bit difficult really.

It's not nice when our kids are left out, but sometimes it's more painful for us than them. You just have to make the best of it and move on I'm afraid.

As others have said, friendships are fluid, you can't always invite everyone. If you constantly do the they invited you so you must invite them you would be stuck in a trap of always inviting the same children, even if they aren't friends. If one child has a September birthday you can't expect them to necessarily be invited to someone's birthday in May as the friendships might have now changed.

You obviously have a bigger issue behind your upset, but it doesn't sound like your child is fussed which is the main thing.

Lots of harsh replies on here. I certainly wouldn’t say anything to the mum, but I can see why you are upset, especially as the birthday child has said to your child’s face that she doesn’t want her there. They are only young, but know if they are being mean at that age. I would start to step back a bit, but that’s just me.

I think you’re getting quite a hard time on here OP and you don’t deserve that.

I completely agree with you - I think it’s very odd to not invite your child. I’d write the invite out myself to your child if I was the other Mum and made sure that they got it. I’m not a pushy Mum at all but I would be upset over this.

I’m very friendly with one of the school Mum’s (kids in same class but not particularly best friends though they like each other) and we always ensure that they are invited to each others parties. I would find it strange if he suddenly wasn’t invited anymore.

Maybe they fell out that day and the birthday child decided to withold the invitation

6 year old girls fall out all the time

So now it’s ’She should have invited my child to her party to facilitate a possible future friendship’? These children are six, OP. Stop trying to social engineer your child’s social life out of your own evident insecurity. The absolute best thing you can do for your child’s social life is to stop confusing it with yours.

It is ok to feel sad for your daughter but I’d also warn you about attributing adult emotions to very little children. Since my DC1 started school I’ve been really suprised at how many parents look at some little kids with such angry and upset if they feel their own child has been slighted. Children need the opportunity to feel things out, to test emotional and social boundaries and get a chance to sort these things out between them without adult interference. What I’ve also noted is that kids forget things very quickly whereas parents seem to keep hold of these supposed slights for much longer.

Having been through the whole Primary school experience with 4 kids, I look back and wonder why I spent so much time and effort cultivating friendships, doing play dates and trying to form friendships with other mums!

When the kids start Secondary school, all those friendships can change in an instant and the parents you thought were friends/close acquaintances, you never hear from again if their child and yours have a minor falling out or even just make different friends. It's all very childish and it really does make you see people in a new light. In my experience very few school gate relationships turn into actual friendships - over 20 years of doing school runs, I've made 3 genuine friends that haven't relied on our dc also bring friends. I did meet a lot of women who were quite happy to ask for childcare help or support when their dc were struggling but were nowhere to be seen when their issues were resolved - some people are users and you've been given a heads up that this woman may fit into that category.

Fwiw, I think other mum is rude not to reciprocate with an invitation, having taken her child to your child's parties. But view it as a fortuitous sign that she isn't someone you can really be friends with, before you invest waste any more time on her. Don't arrange any further play dates or offer support.

I think I'd ask the school to just keep an eye on how my child was interacting with others, but leave it at that. This party will soon be over and done with and the kids will forget about it. Agree with pp not to make it a big deal to your child and to have a fun day with her instead.

But the child has told OP’s kid that they have extra spaces but they don’t want to invite her.

I see this a lot on here, your words you wouldn’t have done that to them, indicates you feel this was done to you. But it wasn’t. You are not the child. You are not the invitee, it is not the mums party it is her daughter. She is allowed to let her daughter chose who she invites. And you need to do the same with your child.

youre making it about you, and you’re going to have a real hard time going forward if you try to make your social circle based on school mums and think invites for your child are about or for you. You need to separate yourself here.

The only reason OP is getting a ‘hard time’ - i.e. some responses that offer different though constructive and helpful perspectives - is that she is absolutely entrenched in a ‘my way or the highway’ attitude with her insistence that EVERYONE must organise children’s parties in precisely the way she would, otherwise they are BAD PEOPLE.

She is taking nothing on board from other suggestions at all, just telling people they’re wrong because they don’t do things exactly the same way she does. So why bother asking the question?

It’s a classic example of ‘AIBU?’ ‘Yes you are but here are some helpful ideas and perspectives’. ‘No I am not and you’re all horrible!’

Somewhat exasperating.

But this is coming from a 5 year old. It may not be quite what was said!
There might not be extra spaces, the mum might have said they could only invite so many friends from school to save space for family/friends from outside school. This could easily be misinterpreted by the children on either side.