Child not invited to party despite being friendst with the mum

[dual90]

Recently we’ve become quite friendly with a mum and child who is in the same class as my child, we’ve had a few play dates, I have had them over on a few occasions, in the fact the last one a couple of weeks ago. The children play really nicely together and ok, not best friends at school, but would consider them friendly. However, the mum has been having an incredibly difficult time, and obviously I’m quite aware that this has an impact. But yesterday my child came home from school quite upset that this child had been handing out invites for a themed birthday party and didn’t invite them…I was kind of surprised really, I then said it maybe be because they can only have so many people, but my child then replied, no she was ‘boasting’ that they can have lots of people and even had a space left over but didn’t want to invite her. Now, I don’t think my child is overly upset, but I feel it’s hurt me a little bit as I’ve really tried to be friendly with the mum and be an ear for her during an incredibly difficult time, and what is more odd is that they have invited my child to two previous birthday parties before and we’ve always invited them. I’m aware that now they are 6 the parties are becoming less and I understand the mum may have on this occasion just left the list up to the child, but they’ve invited people that ( according to my child ) that they are normally even friendly with, I suppose I thought there was an unwritten rule that you’d invite people or influence who to invite by who you maybe spend time with, but it’s made me a little upset I know it shouldn’t but I just don’t feel I would have done that to them. I even bumped into the mum yesterday, because my child was upset I just wondered if she would mention anything or say there was a mistake, but seemed to want to change the subject. Yes, I will admit I’m a little hurt, and I know it’s crazy and I’m well aware my child isn’t best friends with the child, but sometimes it feels a little personal. Should I mention this other mum? And please this part of parenting I’m finding quite hard. And no, my child has not been invited to any parties this year so far.

This.

The said child’s mum didn’t have to invite your child but one would think given your relationship with her and both kids are in the same class, she would have asked her child if she is going to invite your dd. And it seems the other child doesn’t like yours ( based on her boasting that they have more spaces but don’t want to invite dd), mum could have given a kind excuse to you acknowledging that your child was not invited.

But seems like she wasn’t even curious enough to ask her dd if yours is invited or she knew the reason ( her child not wanting yours) but didn’t bother to even give a kind explanation to you. So either ways she does not care much about yours or DD’s feelings. Sounds like this mum has a one sided friendship with you.

I just don’t agree with this, the op is not the one being invited, she has no reason to be hurtl, her daughter is not entitled to an invite as the mums are friends. If anyone makes their child’s social life theirs they are in for a world of pain.

You’re not crazy and I’d feel the same as you in that situation. At age 6 the mums do all the arranging and if the kids are friendly enough for this mum to accept play dates, they’re friendly enough for yours to be invited to a large party that has room to spare - whether her kid has personally requested it or not. I definitely wouldn’t ask for an invite but I’d step back from that one, she sounds like a user. It happens unfortunately!

I had a good friend and we both had daughters in the same class in school. They got on fine when her mum and I got together socially but didn’t bother with each other in school which both my friend and I found surprising.
It did mean that come birthday parties where only a certain amount of girls could come, my daughter ( or hers) wouldn’t get an invitation.
I think it’s important not to confuse your friendship with the mother with your daughter’s friendship with the daughter. Your daughter is not an extension of you.

Also it’s just not getting worked up about kids power struggles. Kids esp girls are constantly changing their allegiances and while you are having it out with their mother over some real or imagined slight, they have become bffs and are skipping along while you and the mother are giving each other daggers 😅

YANBU and it's only human to feel upset or dissappointed. It's a mystery why people do the things they do. I suggest you do you let your child know that sometimes in life things happen that we don't have explanations for. Arrange something nice to do wiyh your child that day and move on.

And if you receive a late invite, don't accept it BECAUSE you will have plans.

It's so difficult! Although your friend's child seems to be quite mean about it.

We had space for 12 at this year's party. Similar age to you. Dilemmas I faced were -

1. DC not wanting to invite anyone from outside of school. Awkward because that wrote off all the children we know via NCT who all invited DC to their parties.

1. DC not wanting to invite a boy who she likes and told last year, after not inviting him last year, that he'd be invited this year.

1. Inviting only two girls from a close group of three because the third one "is mean to me". But the week after the party, apparently they really like each other now 🙄

1. Wanting to invite someone we both like, and like the Mum, but unfortunately was nr 13 on the list 😢

I remember as a child someone at school using "if you don't, I won't invite you to my party" to pressure me in to doing naughty stuff. And then didn't invite me anyway. A life lesson.

I know it's hard not to take it personally but there could be all sorts of reasons and it certainly doesn't mean the Mum doesn't like you or value your friendship.

Out of all my children this happened more often with my daughter rather than my son's, girls can be very snobby when it comes to their birthdays and like another poster said it's like a currency, my daughter used to come home in tears saying all the girls from her friendship group used to talk about the party and as she wasn't invited she was excluded from all that. Then after the party they would talk about it for possibly a week after, that meant the ones that are not invited are normally excluded for about 3 weeks, it's not fair and it's upsetting.
The same issue then happened with my daughter's best friend as they had a falling out and even though their was an invitation for my daughter her friend decided not to give it to her and held it over her like some kind of ransom, my daughter was very upset and was about 8 or 9 at the time, so I said that we should still go shopping and buy her friend a gift for her birthday and she can give it to her on the Friday before her party, my daughter gave her friend the present and card and then the girl said she was now invited, my daughter then declined the invite and I was so proud of her as she finally stood up for herself, I think the lessons sometimes come from our children instead.

I wouldn't be offering this woman any more help. Can't have it both ways.

My DD is in her early 20s now, so birthday parties are a dim and distant memory. But how would I have known the phone numbers of the other parents? With the exception of the girl who lived down the road, DD's classmates (and their parents) were complete strangers. There's no way I could have afforded whole class parties (and in any case, DD has a lot of cousins we had to invite), so she mostly just asked the six or so girls she was friendly with. I had no way to give out invitations except to turn up at the school in the mornings and ask DD to point out who the invitee was. Then I'd try to discreetly slip the invitation to the child's parent (not the child).

When DD got a little older and I had actually met her friends' parents (and obtained their phone numbers), I would try to message them directly or hand deliver the invitation to the house. But in any case, birthday parties generate a lot of excitement and the kids talk to each other. DD was very upset when she discovered that her best friend was invited to another girl's party and she wasn't. I didn't hold it against the child in any way (or her parents). I'm assuming the birthday child was told she could invite X No. of children and DD didn't make the list. It's nothing personal. I brought DD somewhere nice on the day and we never referred to it again.

You can choose to let this affect your friendship with the birthday girl's Mum, or you can choose to continue your friendship with her. That's entirely up to you. If you're genuinely friends with this mother, then it shouldn't make any difference who her DD invites to her birthday party. If you're not genuinely friends with her and it's only a friendship of convenience (because your DDs are in the same class), feel free to walk away.

Friendships will wax and wane as the children move through primary school and then on to secondary school. Your DD and this girl could end up being best friends in the future. Or sworn enemies. There's no way to tell.

If the OP is only offering help with strings attached to someone she describes as a friend, then that’s on her. Either do something unresentfully because you want to, or don’t do it. Don’t do it and seethe with unspoken resentment because their child hasn’t invited your child to a party.

I would ask for an invite. It’s not a wedding. It takes a village to raise a child and you’re all friendly with one another. If she clearly chooses not to invite your kid then you know where you stand with her (and I would withdraw a bit)

Parties cause so much upset, and it always baffles me that parents endorse a child leaving 1 or 2 children out. With my daughter, I've always either done "all the girls invited" or, if it's something very low key, 2 or 3. In a class of 15 girls, I wouldn't dream of inviting 12, leaving 3 out or 13, leaving 2 out. It's so mean spirited.

Ok so let’s say it was personal, what are you actually going to do about it? Move on and forget about it because life’s too short and you’re going to get a lot more knock backs from other mums anyway, or get drawn into a petty tit for tat situation where you don’t invite them to a party to get your own back and where the adults come out of this looking more like 7 year old than the real 7 year olds? Personally I’d just move on and not give it any more head space. Sometimes we get disappointment in life and people aren’t who we thought they were. Learn from it to toughen up and that not everyone you befriend will have the same loyalties and not everyone you invite will invite you back. Sometimes you get left out. It’s not nice and feels crappy but you won’t find a single parent on here who hasn’t had a similar experience. Don’t fall into a situation where you’re more bothered about it than your child is because then it starts looking more like a you problem. We can learn a lot from how quickly children let go of things and move forward without feeling resentment and questioning things over and over.

Only on Mumsnet you get some of these negative responses!
If mothers have met up a few times and the children have played with each other out of school AND are in the same classroom then why on earth wouldn’t I expect an invite??
Even if the birthday child didn’t want to invite my child, then the birthday mum should’ve explained to me. It’s called human decency and it’s free for gods sake!!
Seriously, the world has gone mad!
@dual90 You are completely valid to feel the way you do. I wouldn’t mention anything though because it’s pointless! Instead do something special with your child and keep your distance.

@Taytocrisps well you kind of answered your own question there; if they are the children your own child is friends with then I suppose you’d get the contact details from the other parents at pick up or similar. We have a class WhatsApp but I know some don’t. But I just don’t think it’s ever OK to invite children to a party in front of other children who are not invited.

Op is hurt though. She herself said that she supported other mum when she was going through tough times and she was hurt for her dd.

Yes, her dd is not entitled to be invited to every party but given relationship between both mums, atleast the party mum could have said something to op rather than changing the subject.

Perhaps the negative comments are from entitled ones who take help when they need but don’t think twice about those who helped them or from preaching types who love to jump on an opportunity to give generic wisdom ignoring the context.

Op of course your hurt but you now know your not important To this mum so move on your dc isn’t bothered which is good as she would be hurt the most. We all want our dc to have good friends and be invited to parties and yes it’s usually the parents saying oh you have to invite x because we go to there party and to play dates etc. if the mum has the issue with you I would be grateful never have to socialise with her or her kid again no one needs flaky fake friends.

Or the ones who think that if you offer help to a friend, you do so unresentfully, without the expectation that such help buys your child a party invitation?

Surely, an invite is just normal, not expected! It’s just being kind to a mother and her child.

My friendships are separate to my DC’s. If I help someone out, it’s of my own volition — it doesn’t come with strings attached involving the other person’s child’s party invitations.

It’s amazing how it’s twisted to ‘strings attached’ how strange. No it’s not strings attached, I’m sure most people would be offended by their child being singled out. It’s just a nice thing to do? Surely? It’s not ‘strings attached’ what a weird warped way of looking at it. No, I’ve tried to be a friend and I’d expect decency, not ‘strings attached’ wow. Really very strange . And no, I m not sure what world you are living in but when you meet mums at school the social circle develops from there, I’ve seen people do that. This isn’t a friend who I’ve known previously it’s somebody I’ve met with the school, so of course there is an overlap with the kids!!!!

I think the bigger issue is that other child sounded a bit unkind. Firstly, I wouldn't have my child hand out invites in front of other children that were not invited. Secondly, it wasn't nice of them to tell your child they didn't want them there.

I would guess the parents asked who they wanted to invite and they chose. There is a child nearby who doesn't play with my DS at school but always wants to come for play dates and I've started cutting them down as he doesn't seem to be very kind to my DS at school.

If you chose to stop spending so much time with them because their child is unkind to your DS then that's one thing but you can't expect an invitation. It sounds like you might be friendly with the mum but not super close friends. I only have a couple of people I consider such good friends that I'd invite them whether or not the dc wanted.

Posts like this always get harsh responses on here, but i think it's bang out of order.It's not like your children have had a big fall out or something....seems no valid reason for her not to invite your child.And it's not an adult friendship- you meet up for playdates!
Unfortunately i've found since DD started school, it is like being back in the school playground yourself.Some people behave very rudely and immaturely and do things that feel really mean and senseless.They can be so hot and cold!
But you have a right to feel upset about it.Why shouldn't you when she gave you the impression she was a friend.
Sadly only option really is to distance yourself and find other mums who are nicer.
And empathise with your child that that sort of behaviour is unfair.