To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

Presumably 15 as the q key is also the 1.

Yikes.

The more I read your subsequent posts the more I know that your SIL is 100% in the right.

I will just see my brother and niece and nephew without her.

This is what my SIL thought too. We come as a family, we’re adults, I am my children’s mother and there was no way in hell either DH or I would have allowed this - she’s not seen us in 8 years, you don’t get to choose to see you’re nieces and nephews because you’ve taken a strop with one of their parents, how childish.

As for your husbands offences and jail time, you say the offence involved a child, he’d be nowhere near my children in this case. Both you and your husband don’t sound like nice people at all.

Spent convictions are relevent OP. Even if people have reformed. That's why there will be certain jobs that will never accept a certain list of crimes, even if they are spent. No. A lot of people don't want to associate with people if their crime hurt anyone. Regardless of being reformed. They are correct to risk assess whether this is someone they want to be around and send their children over for play dates/tea.

I think what was said is really important and you don't want to say.

Sounds like you massively overreacted in the first place and now it’s blown up. Someone not appreciating a joke and walking into another room is a non-event. The fact you have taken such offence that you no longer want to see this woman (blood relative or not) makes you sound unhinged.

I think it’s awful that these ladies are your friends and you didn’t tell them. I certainly wouldn’t be friends with someone who’s been in prison sorry

See I disagree. People can go to prison for lots of reasons and not all of them mean that a person can still be a risk afterwards.

I also believe that ex-prisoners should have the opportunity to rebuild their lives and turn their life around, as the op's husband has done.

Telling everyone what they did years ago for the rest of their life is a terrible idea.

We also have no idea what he was guilty of, or his age at the time of the crime. Everyone is assuming the worst - but his comment to his niece and crime could be completely unrelated.

The fact that a child was somehow involved in the crime doesn't mean that that child was harmed or in danger . Perhaps he stole something and a child witnessed it, who knows, there no indication from the op's posts that he ever harmed a child.

In this country, we have a really punitive attitude to the criminal justice system even while evidence shows that all it does is meet our desire for punishment- it doesn't prevent recidivism.

He's served his time and where relevant any future employers (and other bodies) will still need to be told of his past.

If he's not a risk to others then no one else needs to know.

I'm looking at the convictions 15 years ago involving kids (2011/12) and they're all for abuse, murder, neglect, viewing materials...

What in earth is it he did that was bad enough to be sent to prison, but "not as bad as it sounds"?

😬

Sorry OP, you must have known her getting her own back this way was a possibility. He's only her husband's sister's husband to her so she won't care about how this affects him (and you).

You're on an absolute hiding to nothing here OP. You took the decision to refuse the Easter get together, cause a rift and to insult your brother's wife. All of which sounds utterly OTT, but that was your decision so own it.

Your version is...
Your husband went to prison but that should be forgiven and forgotten. He said something off to his neice but you want that washed over too.

Your SIL takes offence that something off has been said to her daughter and that's the bigger crime, should not be forgiven and she and as a result of her family should be cut off???? And your justification for blowing it out of proportion is that it was in your parents' house and she's not a blood relation. (Which your husband isn't either.)
I mean, catch yourself on OP. Your husband committed a crime, and he said whatever it was. Why is your SIL the unforgivable bad guy here? Why no second chances for her?

I'm not sure having been in prison is private information given it's all publicly documented. Those friends and friendships obviously weren't what you thought they were if they take this stance and that's not your SIL's fault either.

Why would you mention a "child was involved" then? You'd surely just say "petty theft, and he served 3 months when he was 21 and not been in trouble ever since".

Grow up.

OP, if you return, this is one of those situations where I think you have to ask if everyone has turned against you could it be because of your behaviour? You don't claim that your SIL has told lies about your DH, why do you think your mum friends have all reacted like this?

Ultimately op, unless and until you and DH can remember what he said. you are not really in a position to decide if her response was justified.

But I suspect you have a pretty good idea but you are annoyed at SIL for not just turning a blind eye, because you do that with him in many ways.

You can't claim someone is unreasonable for taking offence at something when you also claim not to know what it was. That doesn't make sense.

Yes, she has gone more nuclear than you expected, but that's what can happen when you pull the fallout card, rather than just apologise. ETA next time you are tempted to handle a situation by cutting someone off, remember that reconciliation can be a defuser.

Only if you assume the child was a victim in the crime, which we don't know, but then of course as a parent you have the right to decide if your child has anything to do with them.

There's nothing to indicate child abuse or murder in the op"s posts - everyone is jumping to the worse case scenario.

You could say if it wasn't the worst case then why have her friends shunned her, but that could be because they're as judgemental as so many people on here

Well said

Nope. Not until they're 11 and then they take a phone. Never been an issue happy to have their friends at my house. I go with them to their friends houses as I know the parents so the kids play and parents catch up.
I'm also a foster carer and have had several children in my care over the years whose friends were groomed by the foster child's family.
Kids are the most precious things in our lives. If I wouldn't leave my phone and bank card with someone I wouldn't leave my kid.

was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go|

you cannot be serious, you cancelled Easter and informed your brother you and your husband never wanted to see his wife again as she got upset and left the room over a comment. What part of that is not making it a big deal and not making it personal.

and I don’t know what your husband did but it’s clearly something you’re ashamed to write and want to keep secret.

next time when you’ve something to lose, don’t star a war.

I think it's so very, very sad that out of the top 3 trending posts on here one OP wants "to start WW3 with my SIL" and another wants to "go mental at school mum"

Not that I understand what either phrase means IRL

He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.

Hahahahahahaha this thread has to be one of the best MN drip feeds in history.

Whatever your husband said was bad enough that your mum thought he needed to apologise so it doesn't sound jokey. Instead of doing that (and ending the situation) you stormed off in a huff. Then you somehow think it's your SILs fault.
I don't think your SIL should have told people about your husband's past and she was clearly doing that to ensure you were cut out of the friend group. Nothing you can do about that though, your friends have made their choice.

You're probably right!! I'll go back to my knitting and reading . . .

Yes, no need for all that. We're doing something different this year is enough.

The fact that neither you nor your husband can recall what was said to the niece (conveniently) coupled with the fact that your mum told DH off for what was said, makes me think it wasn’t nearly so ‘jokey’ and ‘nothing’ as you’re suggesting.

And as for starting WW3 with your SIL OP, I’d use your common sense, if you have any.

Your husband upset her daughter, so she went on maximum attack and now your friends have dropped you. Consider the fact that those ex-friends are now bound to talk to others, so it’s going to get around.

The best thing you can do is to keep your head down. You tried it once and she handed you your arse.

You lost the battle, so don’t start a war that you will definitely lose.