To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

Your SIL has handed you your ass, I don't advise starting WW3.

I have to disagree. Both great threads!!!

It’s v bold of you to assume you’ll have any relationship with your DB and his kids at all after this OP. The level of minimisation of your husbands crimes both in terms of his prison sentence and apparently not knowing what he said to upset your SIL is astounding.

if you genuinely don’t know what he said (I highly doubt it) you need to find out immediately and make some pretty big apologies. This situation is all of your own making.

Your DH said something to niece that upset SIL and your mum told him to apologise and yet neither of you can remember what was said? Bollocks!

Yes I really shocked the op and her husband went home "raging" instead of apologising but playing devil's adocate I suppose her mum could have just wanted to keep the peace - just say sorry & smooth things over type of thing.

But even then I'd apologise!

I think it is more likely SIL was just explaining why she was cross about the comment. If OP was starting a NC situation, it's fair enough SIL wanted to give her side to explain why she and another member of the group were suddenly not on good terms.

If you 'can't remember' what your husband said to your niece why don't you ask your mum? It was bad enough for her to ask him to apologise.

Also, I’ve just reminded myself of something that amused me a few days ago on social media that read along the lines of “before you start shit with me make sure you’re skinny, have custody of your kids & you’ve never been to prison because I WILL go there”
Your SIL went there! 10000% team SIL.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks- you handled it badly. You should not have made a big deal about Easter and that you’re not speaking SIL. That wasn’t needed. You should have just made your own plans and “been busy” or “don’t fancy it” if they invited you to something or you were invited to something they were at. You effectively made a point that you weren’t talking to them, rather than just distance yourself.

Also think you are being a bit ridiculous about SIL in the first place, your DH said something wrong, rather than have an argument, SIL removed herself, or as you said “sulked”. Would you prefer she’d shouted at your DH? Removing herself until she’d calmed down is a grown up response.

If she’s told people about what your dh said, and what you’ve said, then they have decided that they’re taking her side over yours, that’s on you.

The op won't be back.

Even if she did decide to disclose what her husbands crime was (which would out her) and what he said, everyone's gone too far down the rabbit hole of worst case scenarios to read it without bias.

Would SIL's version be along the lines of -
I love my husband but I struggle with his brother. He's got a criminal conviction and I can't just forget about but I still have to see him at family events. I don't really like DC being around him either but as he's DH's brother I can't avoid him.

This weekend he said something really off to my daughter and I felt so upset for her and angry - who does he think he is? I went in the other room to avoid him rather than tell him what I think but now my SIL is pissed off I did that. MIL asked him to apologise but they just got in a huff and went home.

I don't disagree with some of your points. I personally know 3 men who have been in prison (all only on remand and freed later). I have no concerns about any of them and they are genuinely nice blokes who made silly decisions when young. They have all grown up and moved on with their lives.

However, none of them make jokes that make other people feel uncomfortable and could potentially be linked to their previous histories.

As much as you can support reform and growth, and want to give people genuine second chances (and it seems this family have been very generous in this regard) you have to accept that you may be given less leeway when behaving badly especiallyif it is linked in some way to your crimes.

Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

Nope-it's because you've got a nasty husband.

Growing up we had a family friend who had been imprisoned. Contrary to assumptions made here, his offence was neither sexual nor violent. It was perhaps the equivalent of some driving-under-the-inflience offences. Very dangerous and utterly stupid and reckless and could have resulted in a loss of life. He didn't hurt anyone but the action was serious enough that he was imprisoned. He was a good friend to us for many years and never did anything even remotely similar again.

I would say that if OP's partner's offence was similar then then yes, it was rude of OP's SIL to share the information but the school parents are equally at fault for being unable to see past a mistake made however many years ago and for indulging the SIL in hurtful gossip. They could distance themselves from the partner if they felt that strongly but no need to drop the OP.

(But if there are newspaper articles freely available, OP, then I'm afraid she hasn't shared anything "private".)

I agree that you sound like you enjoy a bit of drama though, OP. If you don't even know what your husband said to your niece then you really can't say that your SIL is a "stroppy toddler". You could have asked her or your brother. And let's pretend that it was truly "nothing" - why not just roll your eyes and move on? It's hardly a huge deal that requires you to go NC with her. You are also "stropping off" for no good reason. You sound really quite unkind and childish yourself.

Your dh said something that upset sil. Instead of apologising or even just sweeping under the carpet you escalated things by not seeing them at Easter.

Probably a bit shit of her to tell dh past to school mums but she doesnt owe you anything at this point.

Can you not even see that your DH has had no fallout? He's got everything he wanted. A woman fighting for him, isolated from her family and friends and doubling down because he's all she has left.

Your family were generous to include him and you've shat all over it.

Does he even have family who want him involved?

You wouldn't be seeing your niece and nephew if I was SIL, not without me.
Five years ago is not a long time, presumably from sentencing (in the papers), means it isn't that long since he came out of prison. You don't get to decide that it was for something far worse than it sounds written down.
You seem very sure of yourself and aggressive. I'm not surprised she's wary of you.

If your sil is the only one not blood related in your parents house then have you married your cousin?

So let's sum this up. Your DH said something mean to your niece and your SIL didn't like it. Your mum told him to apologise so she obviously thought it was offensive too. You and your DH have ccnveniently forgotten what was said, which given the fuss you made about it, I don't believe.
Then your DH has a conviction involving a child, you won't say what it is because it will sound bad. Your SIL told people and they are shunning you so it probably is bad. But you and your DH think it's nothing so you think people should ignore it.
Do you see the pattern here?
Maybe your SIL overreacted, maybe she didn't. The fact your mum also is on your niece's side suggests not.
You, on the other hand, sound jealous of your SIL and in denial about your DH. What is perfectly, perfect anyway? Someone who didn't marry a convicted felon perhaps?
Your message to your brother was rude and unnecessary. Apparently, the need for social niceties only applies to other people.
And, no your SIl isn't in the wrong telling people. If it involved a child then people will want to know. She's not the villain here, look close to home for that.

She did more than that she called her a toddler and said both of them never wanted to see her again, all because she got upset over a comment, and from the way the op is behaving I’m going to have to say it’s a safe bet it was an upsetting comment,

you asked for this op, by being a bully, and like all other bullies you really don’t like it when someone stands up to you. And now you are no contact anyway, so what the fuck will you do? You already took the nuclear option.

Also team SIL from what is on here. Would love to hear her side.

sounds like your H has said something horrible. He was also in prison for child related something that sounds bad written down (!). SIL has walked off - good for her. You’ve then had your own strop and name called her to her own H. You’re expecting your brother to do something with you at Easter and not her! Good for him to ignoring you. You’ve tried to cut her off and now she’s got her own back.

I hope you don’t have your own kids OP. I think your friends and family are right to stay away.

Neither of you remember the comment but seem to remember absolutely everything else. Interesting. It seems bad enough for a fairly neutral person (your mother) to ask you to apologize, to which you left the house. You note that you were made to feel uncomfortable in your parents house which feels unacceptable to you, but you dont see that your nieces comfort is also important. You don't see the double standards in calling your sister in law a sulking toddler for exiting to another room, when you left the house yourself "raging". Honestly, it sounds like it was the behaviour of both of you which made everyone else uncomfortable. Her not being a blood relative is irrelevant as neither is your DH; neither of you seem at all willing to consider his behaviour as inappropriate or even share it for others to understand.

You seem very dramatic cutting your sil off for such a trivial thing, and referring to all of this as ww3.

Lastly, the information about your husband is not private. If there are articles about it it is a matter of public record. I personally believe people can change but it is entirely up to your friends whether they want to be around that, particulalry if the offence involved children. Those are the consequences of committing crimes, even if you turn your life around after. Your sil also owes you very little after you tried to ostracize her. What loyalty should she show to the non blood relative of a sister in law who has just cut her off for no reason? I wouldn't feel any.

You told your brother that you wouldn't see his wife at Easter.

Why would he want to see you anyway after your husband insulted his daughter?

So has your reformed character husband apologised to the niece? Has he not learned from his previous history about being honest about mistakes and accepting responsibility when your actions hurt others?

It’s highly unlikely her friendship circle ostrasiced her over something like that. And it involved a kid and she says she doesn’t want to say what it is as it looks bad written down, the only things that look bad written down, are bad,