To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

So your husband, who has a criminal
past involving children, said something to your niece and you don’t know what it was because he claims to not remember… but you’re sure it was nothing bad and you’re not the problem? Yeah right. He’s done something out of order but, instead of making a scene, your SIL left the room to calm down. And look at how you’re behaving; like an absolute child. Refusing to see her, refusing to apologise, refusing to even accept that maybe he did something wrong (even though you don’t even know what he said).

Then, instead of letting it go like an adult would, you double down and text your brother to call his wife a toddler and cancel joint plans. You are behaviour in an absolutely ridiculous way.

You’re the one who married someone with a criminal past involving children, and an article that “makes him look bad” when it’s really just reporting what he actually did. I think it’s fair enough for SiL to warn the school mum’s so they can choose whether they want their kids near your husband, or want to associate with you anymore. Why should SIL hide your secret when your husband has been inappropriate with her daughter, and has a criminal past which is bad enough that you needed to hide it. The other mums deserve to know who their child might come in contact with. And SIL obviously believes your husband hasn’t changed all that much.

What did your husband say to your niece? He might have thought he was being jokey, but looking at it objectively, could it have been misinterpreted??? Your SIL certainly felt the remark wasn't called for, hence why she left the room. Did your niece look mortified/laugh/embarrassed? How old is your niece?

As for your husband's prison record, that depends on what he did, doesn't it? Not everyone is going to be comfortable around someone who's been to prison. Your SIL has made it known to your friendship group about your husband's past. Clearly your friends weren't aware of his prison time, and have re-evaluated their choice to be friends with you. Yes, it's sad and probably feels judgemental, but again, it depends why he was in prison. Burglary? Assault? GBH? Drugs? DV? Drunk Driving? Did he kill someone?

And this people is why you don't send your young children on play dates in someone else's home. You have no idea who these parents are or what their history is.

Op you are hiding his offence, that alone speaks volumes.

Safe means the SIL is not blood related. I think the niece is her brother’s child.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks I understand why you're so furious and upset about your SIL telling the mums about your husbands pasts and while that's not entirely unjustified (although depends what he said to your neice) I think you also need to accept that when you married him, you did so accepting that his past could cause problems in the future.

only knew because my mum told my husband to apologise. So we went home and were raging.

Honestly, and I don't mean this unkindly, you sound like a drama llama. Why didn't your husband just apologise??
If I had inadvertently offended someone, even someone I disliked, of course I would apologise!

The fact that me and my husband cant remember what offended her so much to cause an atmosphere and leave the room shows it wasnt the a big deal

This was uncalled for and really bitchy tbh. You didn't like the fact you need to apologise so you called his wife a toddler? And expected there to be no come back from that?

You've inflamed this situation at every opportunity.

It's horrible that your friends have shunned you but as I said, you must have known that this was a risk when you married him. Give your friends the context but don't be dramatic over it, then it's their choice whether to be friends or not but you may just have to accept it that you no longer are.

Can you really not remember what he said?? I'm a bit sceptical tbh because you clearly think if you're honest about what he's done we'll be on SILs side.

You have two choices now, kick off WWIII and probably cause a rift which will never heal in your family, or rise above it.

I think you should rise above it because you went into this marriage with your eyes wide open and know that other people will still care about your husbands crime.

If you kick off, you'll have lost your friends, your brother, your niece and potentially your parents too.

Don't act rashly, think it through.

Why not just ask SIL and niece what was said? I bet they remember.

My guess, he's a child abuser that beat/tortured a child, and he threatened to hurt your nice becuase she was misbehaving.

The pair of you sound absolutely vile. The way you write is aggressive. The image I have is of two shouty druggies shouting "what the fuck are you looking at" at everyone you walk past. Those people. You sound like those people.

Professional victim alert (you not SIL).

I didn’t want to say it but yes, we all the know the sort of people who behave in that kind of way and OP definitely gives off those vibes.

Sounds a bit fishy, you conveniently can’t remember what he said to your niece to piss her mom off enough to leave the room. Maybe sil shouldn’t have said anything about your husbands past but it sounds relevant to what was said to her daughter.

I think your caginess speaks volume. What did your DH say to your niece and what did he go to prison for and are the two connected? Both those answers clearly matter if you want posters to truly understand the situation and show sympathy, OP.

As for SIL telling the other mums, why shouldn't she confide in them if they are her friends too? Especially if his conviction relates to what your DH said to your niece, which I suspect it did.

If your mum told your husband to apologise, it can’t have been a nice comment. If you can’t remember what it was, ask your mum.

Did he apologise? You said you stormed out.

Honestly- is your husband a bit of a liability?

You can’t see your brother’s family without their mum unless they want to. Why don’t you have an adult conversation with her and try to reconcile?

If DH can't remember what he said, then maybe it wasn't 'a big deal' to him but it clearly was you your niece. Why not apologise instead of cutting off contact? It all seems a bit over dramatic.

There are two sides to every story and we're only getting one here and that one doesn't make sense to me

I can't begin to imagine what "starting WW3" with a family member entails

All I can say, from my own experience, is that I was so glad to have IL's around when we experienced a family tragedy . . . they really stepped up to the mark and helped in so many. many ways. I haven't always seen eye to eye with them (nobody agrees with anyone else 100% of the time anyway) but I will forever be grateful to them and we're in a better relationship now because of the tough time we went through together

You've got a lot of life ahead of you, OP, ~ you'll be better off with family around you and to do that you need to work at relationships, not destroy them

I got a bit confused with the family dynamics, for some reason I thought your sil was your husband's sister.
I don't blame anyone for wanting to avoid difficult family members, we have a very manipulative and difficult sister. But it's been easier for us because she doesn't live locally. Maybe in future make excuses and see family at other times to her and your brother. If you make a big deal they'll only see you as being a problem. Families can be a pain in the arse.
And one things for sure on MN, there will be people who focus on a specific tiny part of a post and ignore the main point.

Sorry but your sil is right. You lost and always will lose friends because of your husband and his past. I think it’s awful that these ladies are your friends and you didn’t tell them. I certainly wouldn’t be friends with someone who’s been in prison sorry. You’ve also been nasty calling her a toddler over her getting upset over something once again you’re husbands done. You and him are the problem not them. Grow up , either burn or build bridges and move on.

You and your husband both sound like really horrible people, and that’s only from the things you’ve told us yourself. Leaving a room when someone has upset you is a very mild reaction. Your reaction to that was ridiculous.

No the fact that your husband can’t remember and therefore obviously it was fine is a huge red flag - it is minimising something that he forgot because of course it is a joke but to everyone else it wasn’t

it was probably pretty bad and she left the room to calm down and the was still upset so started mentioning it to friends and then was upset enough to link it to his conviction

because we know 2 things he said something and he was convicted - the above makes much more sense than it was nothing

He got jail time for a child related offence. I wouldn't be your mate either.

Theres a bit of double standards going on here, can’t you see that?

It’s okay for you to exclude your SIL, but when the boots on the other foot, you don’t like it.

You’ve got your comeuppance somewhat harshly, but you’ve got to see that sometimes actions have consequences.

You've never let your kids go home with a friend for tea after school?

How many years ago is q5?

The worst part of all this is your childish behaviour has now affected your children. It's unlikely they'll be having any playdates at your house now and they might get a rough time at school. Although I'm surprised no-one knew already what with the internet and all.
And I doubt your SIL will allow you/your DH to see her children without her present as he's clearly said something inappropriate. She has to safe guard her children.

Unless OP explains properly, then most posters, myself included, are going to assume it’s something like this.

SIL is entitled to tell her friends why she’s fallen out with you. Then one of these mutual friends has looked the case up online and told others, leading to a shunning.

As PP have said, you knew the risks when you got involved with scum like him.

For him to have been sent to prison with something involving a child means, he abused, assaulted, killed or neglected a child...

He wouldn't be anywhere near me or my kids.