To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

You very much are the problem here.

Your friends actions are not your sils fault. Your friends have chosen to act in the way they have, thats on them. This is not your sils fault!

You and your husband both sound difficult...your ridiculous comment about "she's not even blood" and then the pathetic don't -want-to-see-over-easter message...grow up!

I think some people just thrive on drama and you are one of those and unfortunately massively lack insight into your behaviour therefore nothing will change

Rage bait. There is no way this is real, nobody has this little self awareness.

OP if you aren't willing to be explicitly honest about what your DH did and what 'joke' he made to your niece then that suggests that it was worse than you're letting on and that you know full well that it was. We are internet strangers who you refuse to tell the full story to. Who cares what we think? The people who know you best have made their judgements so maybe you should reflect on that.

Sounds to me like you were trying to throw your weight around with your brother and your SIL has shut you down.

Live with it, your “friends” want nothing more to do with you and by the sounds of it, your brother is probably going to keep clear as well.

Your DH did something involving a kid that was serious enough to put him in jail? Surely you can understand why people wouldn't let their kids around him?

No idea whether your SIL is unreasonable but I can't get my head around all the drama in the first place. In my family, and those of most I know, people are just nice to each other and get on. I can't imagine these big family fallouts that so many people on here seem to be embroiled in. We don't stop talking to a family member because they got upset over a jokey comment, we say "are you OK? Sorry if what I said upset you, I didn't mean to". It must be like living in an episode of Eastenders!

On the information that’s been given so far I’m team SIL. I think her side would me interesting to hear.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Your niece is allowed to be her own person and be upset and offended by ANYTHING, you don't have the right to judge what she is and isn't allowed to be upset by, they are her feelings. There might be a sensitive backstory and that might be why your SIL took herself off to avoid conflict or being upset Infront of you and your husband. If you love your niece your job and your husbands job is to see she is upset, show care and apologise.

You are coming across as quite self absorbed in this, particularly in refusing to go ahead with Easter plans as if everything revolves around you.

I don't know how long ago your husband was in jail. It says Q5 years in your answer. 5 years is nothing. 25, 35, etc you might have a point, it depends how he acts now and if there are any concerns they have.

I know someone who committed a terrible crime 20 years ago. It all came out and he initially struggled, then took responsibility and worked hard to rebuild relationships over time. He is happier now than before it came out as he no longer is worried about if / when people will find out.

This.

the fact op refuses to say what these are are massive red flags as she knows these actually are pretty bad

I wouldn’t betray a confidence even if I fell out with the person that had confided in me so I get that you’re hurt by that. Did she tell people AFTER you’d spoken to Brother about Easter? I’ll put good money on it you and your husband remember very well what he said. If you genuinely couldn’t, you wouldn’t be in a position to say if niece and SIL’s reaction was OTT.
You had absolutely no need to contact your brother and say you couldn’t spend Easter with him as you weren’t speaking to SIL. You could have said you’d made other plans. If the situation at your parents has been as uncomfortable as you say (and your mother asked husband to apologise so clearly that’s someone else who thinks husband was in the wrong) he would have understood anyway. You did that to get a reaction, no doubt hoping he’d kick off at SIL.
I don’t know what your husbands crime was but you’re not very honest and you sound very immature. All in all, not a couple I have a burning urge to be around. Looks like SIL took her opportunity to get rid of you both to be honest.
I too am very interested in what WW3 looks like to
you. You’ve got nothing in the tank. Your SIL has your brother, the support of your Mother, your school mum friends and information on your husband. Please think very carefully because as far as I can see, she’s won a battle you started so I think a war may not end well for you.

Your OH said something to upset your niece enough to cause her to leave the room and anger your SIL.

Yet your OH " can't remember" what he said??🙄

He absolutely can remember. You do know that - don't you.

There is no way this is real, nobody has this little self awareness

Op , on the off chance you are real...Read the comments and reflect

Is your husband Fagin?

Maybe what your husband joked about has a link, however tenuous, to his crime? And they found this inappropriate.
You can’t expect everyone to feel the same as you about your husband. His crime must have been serious as he did jail time. Only normal for people to be wary.
Maybe a straightforward and kind talk to your SIL may help mend things instead of your WW3 idea.

I think it really matters what he said to your niece. The fact that he ‘can’t remember’ is a red flag. You stopped talking to sil about something you don’t know because he had not told you. Sil may be pissed off because of what he said and then found out you aren’t talking to her through her dh. I think your dh may be the issue. As for the school mums I think your sil is really annoyed with you at this point. At some point this was going to come out. It wouldn’t have come out if he hadn’t have said what he did to your niece is my guess.

It sounds like your Mum, SiL, niece and your brother would've be able to remind you what the 'jokey' comment was?

Your Mum asked your DH to apologise. This indicated your SiL and Neice were not alone in not finding the jokes comment funny.

I think it sounds like your family have been very generous and included you and your dh and family in family events and at their houses, despite your dh's prison sentence and criminal record. You have squandered this love and generosity and failed to recognise that you were lucky to have this.

Why cut off your nose to spite your face by refusing to make Easter plans with your brother when he has kindly offered to do so? He was obviously prepared to move on and keep including you. You blew up the olive branch. Just why?

Did you out your sil in a position of having to justify or defend her pov? Your dh criminal history is highly relevant to her reactions so it may be she was backed into a situation of having to mention it to justify her actions towards you re this 'joke'.

I don’t believe you can’t remember what your husband said to your niece, and you’re massively downplaying whatever the criminal offence involving a child he did time for was. Your friends obviously don’t think it was nothing, either.

FAFO, as the kidz say.

No you very much are the problem here.

If you want to be treated as an adult then behave as one. Your SIL is so offended she leaves the room-good for her. Your niece may not have had the confidence to do that so her Mother did. Your husband or you should have gone and got her and profusely apologised and fixed the issue at the time, not held on for weeks to throw it out.

secondly your husbands past has caught up with him. He may have changed but I wouldn’t let my child be around at your home if any of this had come to light, an I wouldn’t want to be around either because I would have expected you to have shared that critical bit of information if we are good friends. The fact you kept it secret says more about you and your judgement.

I am on team SIL here, you have a lot of reflecting and growing up to do.

So, your husband offended your niece and your SIL got upset about what was said, and therefore YOU decide to stop speaking to her and make a big deal of out separating the family events to reflect that? Now you want to wage "WW3" on her?

The only one who sounds like a dick there is you (and your husband). made worse by the fact that (1) you won't say what was said which suggests it was out of order and your SIL was right to be upset and (2) you won't say what your husband did, which suggests it wasn't great.

I am with your SIL on this, and think you sound awful. YABU.

I don’t think you’ll be seeing your brother and his kids , hopefully he’ll stick up for his wife.
I’d like to hear her side.

As if you thought calling your brothers wife a toddler was ever going to fly. Just be honest you don’t like her never have! You sound horrible.

No no no.
What your husband said was bad enough that your own mum pulled him up on it and said he needed to apologise. That alone should tell you how outrageous his "joke" was.
As got you being "uncomfortable" in your mums home blame your husband as hes the problem. Should your niece be made to feel so uncomfortable in her grandparents home that she and her mum had to leave the room because your husband cant keep his mouth shut around a child?
Your husbands PUBLIC unspent criminal convictions are NOT private especially if they can be googled and/or read in the papers.
If I was her you would never see my children again your behaviour and that of your husband is the problem and the pair of you are walking red flags you need to grow up and accept that you and your husband are the problem not your sil

Ninety nine per cent of the people on here think you are the problem so why don’t you open your eyes. You and your husband sound awful.

I think it’s telling you can’t recall what was said to niece “in a jokey way”.

how long ago was your dh in prison. You put a typo and it says q5 years ago. If it was only 5 years ago that’s nothing! And it involves kids (but not sexual), doesn’t sound great tbh

yes your sil was wrong to talk about him behind your back especially if she didn’t give the whole story. But would like to know her pov.