To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

Just because someone has served their sentence doesn't mean that people have to accept or welcome them into their lives. The fact that you won't say what your husband was convicted of is very telling. (It looks worse written down? What dos that even mean?)

You don't have to spend time with your SIL, but it does seem odd that you're happy to look past your husband's past criminal actions but can't get past a little sulky behaviour from SIL (and given that you won't say exactly what happened, I'm willing to bet that she wasn't wrong to react strongly to whatever it was, anyway). You obviously dislike your SIL, and you don't have to be her friend, but it's going to isolate you from parts of your own family if you can't find a way to get along.

Where is the betrayal of trust or confidentiality on SiL’s part ? It’s the exact reverse. The crime was serious enough to make the papers so the details are already public. SiL has trusted her DD around OP’s husband who has a conviction and went to prison for a crime involving a child. Clearly whatever DH said to her DD has made SiL rethink the threat he represents and has warned the school mum group because there are children involved. It’s not shit stirring, it’s responsible parenting.

Whilst the whole situation is OTT from both sides. Whilst you may think your husband's conviction doesn't matter, it may well to others. Interesting how it was put to you that she knew about it from her work... In what way? Because sharing information from a work context can be serious ie breach of confidentiality etc.

Gently, have you tried speaking to the other mums because of they really were such a good network of friends they would be worried about you and checking in to see if you were okay/ if you are safe with DH.

If they really have cut you off rather than being a bit shook up and processing then they never were good friends.

I think your anger at your SIL is displaced and you are angry and upset at your situation (and really should have shown your love for your niece by apologising at the time then moving on).

How is DH in general? How would he have reacted if you apologised to your niece? If he'd realised she was genuinely upset would he have apologised to her? Is he still on licence and complying with it? Does you both need some support with his past? It really would be helpful to always assume it will come out and be prepared to own it.

If what your husband did was minimal and a long time ago, most real friends would be able to accept and move on. The fact that they all turned against you suggests that it either wasn't such a small deal after all or they weren't real friends to begin with. Even if your SiL did shit stir, you started it by taking a relatively small incident - where your DH was apparently in the wrong - and turning it into something much bigger. You can start a war with SiL but it won't change the situation with your 'friends' and might even make things worst.

SiL didn’t find out about the conviction through work. She told someone she works with about it- they are a mutual friend of OP and the school mum group so it was clearly intended to be passed on. And why is SiL OTT ? She’s protecting her DD.

Absolutely no way do you or your DH not remember what he said to the niece. If you can remember SIL stropping off then you will remember what he said.

You clearly just don't like her and are probably jealous of her life.

"She is one of the goodies does marathons, doesnt drink doesnt vape does charity."

Are you for real? This describes me (apart from the marathons!) does that make me a goodie too? 🙄

If what your husband did was minimal and a long time ago, most real friends would be able to accept and move on.

I don't think there's any such thing as a minimal crime against a child, especially if it resulted in a prison sentence!

Oh do behave and read the full thread

Given the response of the other mums, I think OP is playing down the significance of her DH’s offence. Had I been in that friendship group I would have been more than shaken up to find that a member of the group was married to someone who had gone to prison for a child related offence. But I would have been enraged that they kept quiet about it, particularly if my child had been around DH unsupervised.

No she told a mum she knows through work, not she found out through work. The woman is married to the ops brother, I’m fairly sure the whole family knows.

I suppose, in a best case scenario the child could’ve been a witness to something, rather than a direct victim. Like him assaulting the child’s mother for example?

Whatever it is, it obviously is a big deal since he not only got a prison sentence, but OP went through great lengths to avoid saying what it is and minimise it.

It seems some people love a good fight and thrive on drama.

OP’s exact quote:
”It absolutely was not sexual related. It did sort of involve a kid but not in any sequel way.”

She also said “it looks worse written down.” Could be anything from physical child abuse to county lines. But yes, it did seem to involve a child, and I do wonder if SIL actually felt it was the right thing to tell these mums. And maybe it wasn’t even intentional; SIL doesn’t have children at that school, may just be friends with one of the mums and said, “My SIL says she’s no longer speaking to me after her DH said X to my daughter. Which is pretty rich, since her DH has been in prison for X.” Only if OP tells us what both of those X’s stand for can any of us have a hope of understanding wtf is going on.

Just realised I misread the part about it involving a child - I thought it said that it didn't involve a child. In which case OP, I would forget arguing with your SiL and find a way to navigate this situation because it is going to be a recurring theme. I could move past a lot of things, but if my friend was married to a man who had a conviction involving a child - and lets be honest, to go to prison it must have involved some sort of abuse, neglect or harm - I would have serious concerns about her judgement or values. I would also rethink the friendship because it might indirectly put my own child in harms way.

Public records aren’t confidential. The mums themselves found newspapers on it OP said in one of her posts so likely they went looking for the information themselves and found something they didn’t like.

If it is as benign as OP is making it out to be then surely it is benign enough to tell posters what it was he did and there wouldn’t have been such a fallout with the other mums, and even if it wasn’t, it was still their decision to make.

OP said she didn’t know her SIL knew any of the mums at her school and the mum that she talked to SIL knows through work. Since SIL is a lawyer then the mum possibly works in the same office in some capacity or field as SIL and SIL could have been easily complaining to this mum and the mum then looked it up herself before telling other mums who did the same.

I wouldn’t immediately go off the word of an acquaintance or colleague compared to a friend I spend time with and have my children around and would look it up myself and make decisions from there and my guess is that the other mums did the same since they went looking it up first and found it vs just dropping OP immediately.

Of course he and you remember what he said to his niece. His own mother called him to task over it. It caused his sister in law to walk out of the room, no way do you forget that. You obviously don't want to say what it was.

Your SIL has every right to remove herself from an upsetting situation. She didn't cause trouble, not argue, she simply took herself out of the situation. You don't get to determine if she is hurt or not. You also don't get to determine if what your husband said to his niece was out of order or not. His OWN mother asked him to apologise. This was not nothing.

Your husband's crime is out there for anyone to see if they do a quick google. Your SIL did not tell any lies. Most parents worth their salt would want to be made aware if their child was visiting the home of someone who went to prison especially if it did involve a child in ANY capacity. You also describing the reason your husband went to prison was just people being massively OTT and extreme speaks volumes. He didn't go to jail for nothing.

Bringing up the fact that she does not drink or smoke as apparent character flaws is wild.

This is all of your own and you husband's making. I do feel sorry for your kids because this is not their fault and it will probably impact them.

She knows this woman through work, so there is every chance the woman found out, and asked op if it was her brother in law. The op doesn’t really know how it was brought into conversation. But she has decided it was spite as thays how she behaves.

i am actually agog with it, the op is unable to see her and her husbands actions and im in no doubt if the sil was related to someone who had the same criminal record and her husband didn’t, she’d have told everyone a long time ago.

she also proclaims the sil to be the only one in the house who wasn’t blood. So either she married her other brother or she’s so focused on the sil she can’t see clearly anymore.

She admitted it was a crime involving a child so if not sexual its assault, abuse or neglect bad enough for a jail term. So yes there other parents have a right to know what sort of man he is.
Also she told 1 mutual friend most likely in context of what this man said to her daughter and how the op was behaving. The fact that this mum then went and googled him found the press articles and felt it was bad enough to warrant telling other mums in the friendship group who also googled and read the articles and now want nothing to do with the op tells you all you need to know about her husband and his crimes

If she was protecting her daughter she could have also removed her from the situation, instead of leaving the room herself. Or spoke up, although she may well have. As we don't know what the comment was we don't know if it was a big deal or not. Some people will react to nothing as we all know. None of this has been handled well by either side.

Yes, if the husband's comment to his niece was so tame the OP would have mentioned it here! Same with his crime. The OP's clearly in denial. She's convinced herself her husband is an "amazing" man, and she knows that if she actually describes his behaviour here people will tell her otherwise.

His conviction was on the papers

I was with you until yu said that neither you nor your husband can remember what he said to your niece. You know what it is, you just don't want to say. And the I think the phrase that SIL "doesnt drink doesnt vape does charity" clarified the situation here for many.

Wow. This is a reverse right?

You have no idea the SIL didn't also remove her child from the situation.

OPs DH has a criminal record for an unspecified crime he was imprisoned for. If that was for a violent crime SIL was right not to challenge him. Just as anyone dealing with a violent man is advised every day on mn.

One side has proven they handled it awfully. There's no evidence the brother or his wife did anything wrong.