To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

I don't for one minute believe that you and your husband can't remember what he said to your niece.
You sound like a nightmare.

First post nailed it… I want to hear SIL version.

No it wasn’t nice for SIL to tell people about your DP but you clearly don’t like each other and it doesn’t sound like you’ve been very nice to her yourself… I guess she might see this as an actions have consequences thing and she owes you nothing!

I think this is exactly what happend and OP knows it. OFC she remembers the comment her H made to her niece, she is just choosing not to share it.

"said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother."

Do you think this could be why she embarrassed you? It's rather harsh, isn't it?

You definitely are the problem.

If I were your SIL there is no way that I'd let you see my kids any more so you planning to just cut her off but still see her children is probably pretty unrealistic.

If the crime that your DH went to prison for looks really bad written down, that's because he must have done something really awful, particularly if it involves a child.

You and your DH seem like a match made in heaven with your complete lack of awareness about how your behaviour, past and present, is coming across.

OP, I feel for you. Your SIL had no right to do that.

BUT, I think your husband deeply upset her with that comment, and maybe it wasn't a 'big deal' to you or him, but it clearly was to her. It really upset her. You/your husband should have apologised to her for the offence even though you didn't intend to hurt her.

I think it's the fact that instead of apologising, which is the decent thing to do, you doubled down, didn't apologise, then spitefully told your brother you didn't want to see him at Easter because your SIL was hurt. Making that call makes you spiteful and vindictive, so while wrong, I can see why she would want to 'get her own back'. Should she have done that? No way! But you basically kicked it all off by getting the hump with SIL feeling hurt, and spitefully saying to your brother you didn't want to see him now.

All your DH had to do was apologise to her for any offence, it would have died down. You, poured petrol on a bbq, and SIL in turn, poured more petrol that turned it into a massive bonfire.

You should not start WW3, because you basically started it with her anyway when you told you cut off your brother out of spite. I'd leave it now and stay away from her. A simple apology from your DH would have stopped all of this. But because he was too stubborn to do the right thing, now you all suffer, and you made it worse. It's too late now for apologies.

Is your husband one of the Bulger murderers?
you sound like a child.
But they're not your friends.

Op can you take a step back and try to think it through logically,

whether you felt the comment was irrelevant or not, it upset your niece and her mother, your own mother also felt it was unacceptable and he should apologise.

this is what most people would have done. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any offence, move on.

but you and your husband went full on scorched earth and attacked. You left the house raging, in your own words, then cancelled a normal Easter and informed your brother you were going no contact with his wife, calling her a toddler. You thought you had the upper hand, you did not. You never did. The moment he failed to apologise you both lost any claim to the upper hand,

your lengthy diatribe over your sister in law, her career, her fitness, her lifestyle, her charity work, her education, and your clear fury your family love her, displays your envy fully, which I suspect is at the root of all this. Envy can make us behave unreasonably, so take a step back.

this is your brothers wife, your nieces mother. You and your husband put a division in the family and for no reason at all.

now whether she told or what happened we don’t know, and I suspect neither do you for sure, but the way you’ve treated her, why should she keep you and your husbands secret when you both treat her so terribly? I am absolutely certain if the shoe had been on the other foot you’d have been telling everyone who would listen. Not just one person. You’d have used it to attack her, bully her and humiliate her,

every one of your actions have been questionable at best, and you downplay it all, even claiming she made it personal, you were not making a big deal of it, having just told us you’d cancelled Easter and told your brother neither of you wish to see her again, as your husband caused offence. If that’s not personal and making a big deal of it I don’t know what is.

I think the onky option now is complete no contact with your brother and his family, You won’t apologise and now too much damage has been done. The families have to stay apart.

The fact you won't even say what his crime is means it's really bad. And the fact you're with him and insisting it doesn't matter, covering up for him etc means you're not a safe, trusted person to your friends. I would feel the same. I'm sorry if that feels harsh but it's part of the cost of associating with a criminal. I also suspect you do remember what he said to your niece and that he was out of line. I'm fully with your sister in law (and ex friends). You can probably turn it around a bit by apologising to your sister in law and wider family.

I'm very confused here. I thought the niece sulked off and not the SIL. However much I didn't want to spend time with these people I think I would have come up with a different excuse not to see them at Easter.

You sound unhinged, the school mums have probably been looking for a reason to avoid you if this is how you carry on and discuss other people

Bloody hell. I’m not surprised they don’t want to remain friends - you sound spiteful, jealous and mean. And about 12yrs old!

I’d look to you and your husband’s behaviour first if you want answers.

And perhaps your SIL thought it was only right to warn parents if their children are coming into contact with someone potentially dangerous. I’d be grateful if I were one

I would never sever contact with a close family member over something as trivial as them beiong rude or sulking.

If you can tell us what he said then we might understand. Or the conviction. But the fact you won’t is telling.

you’re saying sil is fake because she does marathons and charity work? It sounds like she’s a decent person just trying to keep kids safe. You were horrible to her and tried to separate her from her husband. You’ve called her names. So you and your husband have “started it”.

not sure what you expect really.

Could you speak directly to one of your friends and ask what's happened? At least then there's the option to put your version of events across. Still might not make a difference, but from what you've said there's nothing to lose.

Your sister in law sounds fab!

That’s true and I think minimising their crime is a sign that maybe you’ve not actually changed. I do understand the looks worse written down part, but the entire justice system being OTT is unlikely.

erm. It’s not exactly private family business if it’s in the papers is it? 😂. Chances are one of the mums found out by herself, but tbh if I had a friend whose children were associating with someone who was an ex con who had done time for a serious crime I would want to know.

I disagree that SIL didn’t have the right to tell them. As parents of young children they have a right to know who they are leaving their children with. And I wouldn’t consider someone who was married to, and defending an ex con to be the kind of person I would trust with my children.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. You completely overreacted. You expect people to show your husband grace by accepting he’s done his time, but you decided you are never going to speak to your SIL again because you think she flounced off over something minor. I don’t think people who have been to prison deserve to be shamed repeatedly but this is something you and your husband have to navigate and this means you need to calm down with your crazy overreactions.

Falling out with a girl group always feel shit. Unfortunately you’ve just got to ride it out, I’m sure within time the other school mums will become civil/polite towards you.

But imagine how your SIL would be feeling. You deciding to have nothing to do with her in the future - as in making your family pick you or her. Not feeling welcome in her in-laws house.

She’s only human, I would have probably done the same. Thought ‘fuck it, if I’m not family I’m not keeping your shitty secrets anymore’. Drop her a text and apologise, life is too short.

Reverse?

Good point. Why should her husband be forgiven his sins which involved a child and he went to prison for, but not the SiL for having a sulk, running marathons and donating to charity….

I don't think she even "had a sulk" - I think she sensibly left the room rather than become angry at what the OP's husband said.

I don’t think that’s why SiL told the mutual friend. I think whatever DH said made her rethink whether her child was safe around him, given his past conviction, and possibly passed on the information to protect the rest of the school mum group. Whatever DH did I think it’s a lot more serious than OP is letting on, and it may be that SiL has done the responsible thing. If I was a member of that school mum group I’d be absolutely furious if I found out that one of the other mums had failed to disclose something like this.