To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

So many missing reasons.

What did your husband say to your niece and what was he in prison for??

It sounds like your husband did something reprehensible. I know people with criminal records and they aren’t ostracised. But then again none of them assaulted children.

i think saying the mums group are bullying the OP by "excluding "her is unreasonable without knowing the salient facts of what was said,what "bad stuff" the OP DH was imprisoned for.
Its difficult to comment on how the OP can move forwards in this without knowing the facts of What her DH said to her neice and what the DH previous conviction was,those facts may be relevant in understanding what has happened here.

Your SIL did not have any issue hanging with your family on Easter and other events, allegedly, untill you told your brother she is a PITA. She took it as you told your brother and came with vengeance on your husband past.
If she is the bride on the wedding and the child in the baptism start a WW3 is going to end badly for your family, not for her. I would take a deep breath and tell her to fuck off in my mind and don't take further actions. You both are going to drag your husband, her husband and your parents to a shit show continuing like this.

She's a lawyer that does charity work, runs marathons, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't vape.

What kind of evil is this, I can see why you don't like her. How dare she be offended by a joke that upset her daughter, made by a former criminal who's wife is so ashamed that she refuses to acknowledge his past may influence how funny his jokes come across.

Honestly, who does this woman think she is.

Edit for typos

I think the op was embarassed her mum told her husband to apologise, and she thinks the sil put a spotlight on it by leaving in a huff, so they decided ri blame her and she went on the attack, it was an ideal opportunity as she’s so jealous of her,she was just waiting for an opportunity,

what she didn’t count on was retaliation, if indeed it was the sister in law who said, which I very much doubt, maybe someone asked her and she confirmed. But this is public knowledge, it’s a surprise they didn’t all find out already. But I strongly suspect this had nothing to do with the sil, and it’s the ops jealousy jumping to conclusions.

92% YABU. Maybe reflect on this?
Team SIL here.

People don't go to prison for minor offences these days. When you are a criminal/choose to marry a criminal you must work hard to show that you are better people. You don't go around making dodgy jokes, falling out with your family or minimise the crime, as that shows that you still have poor morals. If my friend was a school friend of yours I may well mention it, if I think your husband is a danger ie safeguarding, drug or alcohol misuse, or likely to steal from them. They need that information to assess the risk for potential playdates, sleepovers etc.

Oh no! It’s the consequences of your decisions!

You are being ostracised because the school mums found out about your husband’s criminal record.

They found out about his criminal record because your husband did something to your niece and then you caused an issue with your brother.

You may as well move now. Whatever he did must have been really really bad.

And my parents are always like oh isn’t she great shes done this.

I wonder if there’s some issues regarding the SIL and parents relationship? As the OP previously mentioned it was her parents house she sulked off in and not the blood relative line.
Don’t think I would ever be brave enough to text someone say their wife behaved like a toddler. I prefer we already have plans that weekend 😂

I don’t know why you just didn’t talk to your sil about what what’s said at the time.

But she refuses to say what he did to get landed in prison or what he said to his niece. This means that all people can do is read between the lines and it means that clearly all OP wanted was an echo chamber to reassure her that she and her husband (who at the very least is a lawbreaker who makes offensive jokes to teenage girls) are in the right. The whole thread was therefore pointless really.

The only thing that I can say is that I wouldn't ever blank another parent (especially one I was previously good friends with) unless I thought my child was at risk.

OP - if you do come back to this, please reflect on how other people who I assume have met your DH have reacted to hearing about his previous conviction.

If the school mums have cut you out for this, then either it’s really bad and you’ve been minimising, or they were never your friends, you thought you’d built a good network but hadn’t really. Or perhaps it’s a bit of both.

If you don’t want to be friendly to your brothers wife, fine- but if you aren’t friends anymore, you really can’t expect her to keep your secrets.

If telling the truth is all your SIL had to do to ruin your life, they you were always on pretty thin ice.

I think however the SIL reacted OP would have found an issue.

SIL can do no right in OP’s eyes because OP from her posts comes off as hating that her blood family loves SIL and says nice things about SIL. My guess is it is probably not the same for OP’s DH and/or perhaps even OP’s family wasn’t as keen on her marrying him from the get go. There’s a lot of animosity towards SIL for pretty ordinary things and I bet SIL and OP’s brother are well aware of OP’s feelings about SIL.The way she writes about her on here, can only imagine what it’s like in person.

It definitely sounds like you and your OH are the problem here. You can report your own OP and say you didn't get the response you expected and ask for it to be deleted. You've behaved terribly. You don't seem to have reflected on how you've caused this situation. If you don't do this, you should expect more of the same.

She doesn't vape?
Who does she think she is?

I find the irony off the scale that the OP thinks that her SIL who she emphasises several times is not blood related walking out a room over and making her feel awkward is "OTT" but her husband who also isn't blood related, making an offensive comment to her niece that their own mum said warranted an apology is completely OK.

And maybe what your SIL did isn't kind, but your friends have made up their own mind. People don't get custodial sentences based on "overreactions". And it isn't a private family matter anyway. I can almost guarantee this information would have come out sooner rather than later. You chose to have kids with a criminal record and jail time and this is the risk you take.

Honestly OP, all of this is of your own making. It's staggering the lack of self awareness.

people being massively OTT and extreme.... what the justice system?

Still be interesting to know what he did that "looks worse on paper"

Your husband said something to upset your sister in law about your niece. The fact he doesn't remember what it is, doesn't necessarily mean it was something nothing Only that he perhaps doesn't want to repeat what he said.

As revenge for saying whatever it is he said ,Your sister-in-law's repeated factually accurate information to your friends. You might not like it but one is a consequence of the other. You may feel your husband has changed and learnt from his actions and he may well have done but the fact remains it happened and the information is available. If they've chosen to withdraw from you then that is on them and not your sister in law. If it has an impact on your children although this would be unfortunate again it's a consequence of their father's/ your husband actions and not your sister-in-law's.

Of course he remembers what he said! He’s just minimising or lying.

Mini SIL here. I don't drink. I don't even vape. What a weirdo.

Are you familiar with the FAFO acronym @Allthewineandallrhedrinks ?

him being in jail for a bit in his 20s in bar fights over 40 years go, isn't the same as being sent to prison for something sort of involving a kid that "looks worse written down" and a result of the entire justice system "being OTT".

quoted wrong post - sorry

Exactly , ops jealous of the sil. She’s juts jealous because she married a disgusting criminal and has been found out.

I doubt that SIL told the friends about husband’s criminal past as revenge.

I bet that the “joke” was related to whatever he went to prison for. SIL has had to bite her lip around her husband’s family for years - uncomfortable about the criminal past. The “joke” pushed her over the edge.

She was then talking to a mutual friend and friend said “How come you and Allthewine aren’t talking anymore?” and her response was the honest truth “Well he went to prison for X and I’ve bitten my lip and felt uncomfortable about it for years, then on Sunday he made X joke and it pushed me over the edge. That’s whey we’ve called out.”

Friend is then horrified to find out what he did and warns all the other school Mums whose kids are around him.