To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

Wait - so your husband did something SO bad (that involved a child) that it appeared in the news!? WTF - i am on your SILs side. Not surprising that she prob doesnt want anything to do with you either.....

One would imagine that your sil was already concerned about your husband being near her child due to his crime that had involved children and was bad enough to have him sent to prison so removed herself from the room (I'd hope with her daughter too). Let's not forget that your mother told him to apologise and you and he huffed off instead.

Then you escalated it by the childish phone call. It was then that she spoke to the school friend and it got circulated. You insist it's not bad, but it's bad enough for people who had known you years and were close friends to pull away irl.

Instead of owning any part of it, you then double down on it being your sister on laws fault and how she has acted poorly when her crime appears to be behaving the complete opposite to how you do "Mrs goody goody perfect" etc.

Op, you and your husband are the reason this got out and escalated. At no point have you or husband owned what you did.

If anything your sil was in the right letting your friends know that your husband had done a crime that had involved minors so they were in the full possession of the facts before deciding if they allowed their child to be around him or potentially alone with him if he was dropping them off/collecting etc.

You had your chance to bring it up sensitively and tell them face to face yourselves by being factual and honest and you didn't which further makes it look worse.

Your sister in law has done nothing wrong.

I think that depends on the crime.

I think someone who has done time for crimes involving children the parents of other children they may come into contact with have a right to know and a right to judge accordingly.

I think something like a bar fight and even drugs, while I certainly wouldn’t downplay, wouldn’t automatically assume meant they were a danger to children. But any crime involving a child to the extent that there was a prison term involved is incredibly serious and I wouldn’t have my children anywhere near that.

To put it into context, you don’t even get prison time for downloading CSA images of children, so whatever he did was more serious than that, and involved a child, and people think that the SIL is unfair and that the parents are being too harsh?

I’m guessing the OP is jealous because her SIL is a decent person, and no, warning people that a parent of a child their children play with is a criminal with a record for crimes against children does not make her bad, and the OP’s DH clearly isn’t.

I’m assuming this man is actually her DC’s father and she didn’t introduce him into their lives?

If OP's vile husband hadn't said something obviously inappropriate to SIL's daughter, none of this would have happened. The ridiculous and over-the-top reaction from OP to her SIL removing herself to another room to calm down has escalated the situation and OP has now come off worse as she is married to someone with a criminal conviction involving a child.

The phrase 'people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones' is very apposite here. OP's childish rant about her SIL's faults (being a lawyer, running marathons, doing charitable works and not drinking/smoking/vaping doesn't show her in a good light at all. OP's posts are full of reverse snobbery and spite.

As OP won't say what crime her DH committed, people will jump to the worst conclusions. There are some crimes where the perpetrators would always be shunned if their previous convictions became common knowledge. What SIL did was harsh but she had probably come to the end of her tether with OP and her DH.

OP, if you won't tell us what your DH said and did, we can't judge who is in the wrong here!

You came, you asked, you didn't get the immediate support you expected and now you want to flounce?!!

Come ooooon!

Your husband did something bad that involved a child, so bad that it made the newspapers.

He has also said something that upset your niece (whom I'm assuming is a child since you won't clarify) and is now pretending that he doesn't remember what it was. It doesn't actually matter whether you or he remember because he upset her and he hasn't apologised.

If I were one of the school mums I'd be backing off too, it doesn't matter that you think whatever he did wasn't that bad - he went to prison for it. I wouldn't be trusting your judgement either. I would also be very concerned about your kids.

Just as a side note - your SIL sounds lovely. Which is probably what your problem is because neither you or your husband do.

Sounds like you planned to start WW3 with SIL and she finished it.
Good for her 🤷‍♀️

I really hope you might still be reading OP.
This is intended to be helpful, not unkind in any way.

If your husband has served time for a crime that involved a child, it would serve you much better to expect that people might be wary of that fact and to have developed some strategies between the two of you to cope with any negative comment or fall-out. Especially if he then makes some kind of dodgy remark to a child (even in jest) which could easily be misinterpreted. This would help prevent further upset for you. Do you think you could handle any similar situation without escalating if you talk openly about how to deal with it better if there is ever a next time ?

He may have served his time OP, and now be a really lovely, trustworthy, hard working man, but even your own mum thought he should apologise for the misunderstanding caused by whatever it was he said. Don’t you trust and value her opinion OP?

I assume he didn’t apologise or make attempt at least to explain himself or to communicate reasonably but instead you immediately took offence and went home so upset, raging and nursing your wrath between you that you then made the grave mistake of calling your brother about arrangements to get together at Easter time as usual, except you would have to do it separately away from his wife.
Do see how that may well be perceived as antagonistic on top of their own upset at the situation. Why remind him to co-ordinate easter arrangements in the same breath as saying you would keep separate from his wife. You were lashing out in anger to punish SIL and that never goes well. It could almost be taken as you trying to split the couple’s marriage up by asking your DB to choose between you, his sister, - and his wife. What were you expecting him to do or say?

Your SIL then also responded in anger herself, by talking to a friend about what had happened and it snowballed into gossip with the result that you have become alienated from your mum group.
I can quite clearly see how upsetting and impactful that must be for you to live with. It’s very sad.

Please take time to try to see this from all angles.
You could then ask to talk to your closest friend in the mum group to explain how the misunderstanding came about, including any mistakes you made in handling the entire situation. Owning the consequences of your own actions often goes a long way in allowing the truth to be seen. And by your account there is nothing terrible to hide so you can be quite open.

Hopefully, you will be able to resurrect your standing as a good, reliable, calm, honest, up front member of the group without any further drama and can gradually get back to normal life over time. Wishing you well.

Oh FFS grow up. How do you figure that people think she’s vile and spiteful when 92% of posters think you’re being unreasonable.

The fact that you won’t share with us what your DH did, involving a child, which warranted a prison sentence, or what your DH actually said to your niece is a good indication that what he did was pretty significant and what he said was somehow indicative that he’s still a threat around children. I think that’s why your SiL was upset and took herself off to another room - it was either that or start a row.

I also think it’s why she shared his past with your mutual friend in the knowledge that it would get back to your school mum group, to warn them. If I was a member of that group I’d be furious that you hadn’t shared your DH’s past if my children had been anywhere near either of you without my supervision.

You seem to have no self awareness and absolutely no idea of the enormous leap of faith your brother and SiL have taken in order to allow your niece anywhere near either of you, given what they know. You say that you love your niece - I haven’t seen anything in any of your posts that suggest that, because both you and your DH jumped to offence and ostracising your SiL without a single thought to how the comment may have affected your niece, or how going NC with her mother will affect your own relationship with her.

I would love to find out who the SIL is and send her this thread!

I agree with you to an extent. I am basing my response on what she told us.

We never know the other side of these stories and no point in guessing at it.

Exclusion is bullying and damaging which is why I suggested counselling. A good counsellor could help her by working through those details we don’t know.

I am worried about OP’s mental health here so I’m not getting into who said what or who did what.

”Couldn't think of anything worse then being her. She is one of the goodies does marathons, doesnt drink doesnt vape does charity. And my parents are always like oh isnt she great shes done this. She is fake as they cone. And this has shown she isnt the nice person she pretends to be.”

And you say your SIL is the spiteful one, @Allthewineandallrhedrinks?

Grow up.

Very little “sounds worse” than it is written down. It probably sounds exactly as it is written down, but you don’t want to write it down as you want to minimise it.

It sounds as though you very much are the problem.

I think your SIL has behaved admirably - she was very restrained keeping it to herself after then not-jokey “jokey”’comment (I bet it was wildly inappropriate or unkind), and only came out with it when you tried to put the boot in re telling BIL you wanted to ostracise his wife.

You sound an utter nightmare.

Spot on.

Not by saying “I don’t like the answers I’ve been given” 😂

Completely agree with this.

He obviously said something he shouldnt have and you have rose tinted glasses and wont see other people's opinions.
It was very childish that you then refused to see her . He should have said sorry then none of this would have happened. But again you wont see it as him doing wrong. And if it was in the paper then he must have done something pretty bad .

You sound as bad as OP. You want to start WW4 for the family, then?

No, I want to let the SIL know that she is vindicated, that she has made the right decision.

The OP has started this and has continued to inflame the situation and still cannot see what she has done wrong!

I am not as bad as the OP, this isn't my issue, I am not involved.

Why was SiL unreasonable ? What OP’s DH did was enough to send him to prison and for OP not to want to reveal it here. She also won’t reveal what was said to her niece.

If what he said was enough to make SiL think that, given his past, he was still a threat to her child/other children, then her behaviour was perfectly reasonable, and her decision to tell a mutual friend so that OP’s school mum group were warned was a responsible one. This doesn’t sound like an insignificant offence and I don’t think it’s case of these mums not being true friends - it’s more like them stepping back to protect their children, given what they now know.

She is one of the goodies does marathons, doesnt drink doesnt vape does charity. And my parents are always like oh isnt she great shes done this. She is fake as they cone. And this has shown she isnt the nice person she pretends to be.
I had the right to not want to see her. She always twists thjngs as shes good at words because of her job as lawyer.

Yes because hating someone for doing Charity, taking care of their health, not being a piss head and being a lawyer is totally normal.

You and your husband have chips on your shoulders when it comes to your SIL and your husband’s record. I would find it very very hard to believe that a group of true friends would shun someone to this level on the basis of third hand gossip from a friend of a friend.

You sound like an emotionally immature, drama seeking nightmare. Life is not Eastenders.

You don’t get to dictate who is in your parents house and when at Easter. Your parents clearly like her and admire her behaviour, which makes you angry. If your SIL has a class judgement issue she wouldn’t have married your brother, from the same class as you, or have a good relationship with your parents who raised you in the class you think she has issue with.

Maybe your parents like her because she’s not a pain in the arse.

And as for brushing off a comment to your niece that upset her enough your parents told him to apologise as 'we can't remember' - convenient. Do everyone a favour and grow up.

Love when the OP reads page upon page of why they're being unreasonable and still can't accept it.

You're right people would think you're jealous OP, because you so clearly are. Your sister in law is fake because she supports charities and actually follows through with actions to do so? I can just picture you sitting vape in hand and cheap booze in the other, kids in the paddling pool in the front garden in summer, slating everyone that's dared to better their life.

You do sound quite self obsessed, your DH upsets someone and you’re the one left feeling uncomfortable…. Was your niece ok? Your sil talks about your DH and you’re the one feeling isolated… is your DH ok finding out people have been gossiping about him?

If she’s so busy and a lawyer she prob wouldn’t have time for MN.

I couldn’t think of anything worse though discovering someone had posted a thread about me.

I think SiL had every right to tell the mutual friend about her DH’s past, given that he went to prison for a crime that involved a child. OP doesn’t want to tell us what he did, or what he said to SiL, so I think it’s probable that whatever it was he said was enough to make her think he’s still not safe around her child/other children. In which case her decision to tell a mutual friend in the knowledge it will get back to the school mum group is entirely the responsible thing to do.

I think the response of the rest of the school mum group towards OP tells us everything we need to know, in that this was not an insignificant offence and they’re likely appalled to think that their children may have been around this man unsupervised.