To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

Im not posting anymore because this site is not supportiv

sorry, the rest of mumsnet doesn’t exist to tell you you are right about everything.

Given that we only have your side of the story and still most people think you’re unreasonable……have you ever considered that you and your husband are the problem here?

i have to be honest you do come across as resentful and jealous.
However its difficult to assess this situation when you cant remember what was said and dont want to be honest about what "bad stuff" your husband did that resulted in imprisonment.
I can see that you are devastated and upset at the consequences for you and possibly your kids at what your SIL has done .
But without the facts of what happened here its difficult to comment

She hasn’t and she won’t.

I'm confused as to why so many posters are saying OP's husband's crime involved a child. Where have we got this from?

Your SIL probably did tell people deliberately because she didn't like being described as a toddler and told you never wanted to see her again over a minor incident. What she did is wrong. But what you did was also wrong - she may have overreacted to what was said about your niece, we don't know as we don't know what was said. But refusing to ever see her again and calling her a toddler because she walked off is absolutely a massive overreaction. You all sound like you need to grow up a bit TBH. It would be a shame to lose your brother over this. I'd speak to him and apologise for what you said about SIL, but tell him what she has done re ruining your friendships and how that has affected you. You should try to salvage the relationship with him if you can.

I can imagine the scenario in which this happened.

SIL is having coffee with one her friends, basically telling her about her nightmare in-laws, SIL and BIL, and about how he was a bully towards the DD. Probably described the incident and how upset her DD was with BIL being nasty.

Friend probably asks is he always like that? SIL says well he's been in prison for X offence which involved a child so he's not actually a very nice man anyway. Friend Googles the BIL and it then proceeds to spread like wildfire amongst the group.

I very much doubt SIL called a town hall meeting to get the message out 😂

You sound like a mean girl too. Because you can't remember what your husband said doesn't mean it didn't upset your niece. She may have told the other mum's that isn't nice. You have shitty friends if they judge you for your husbands past

You're the problem here.

OP said, "It absolutely was not sexual related. It did sort of involve a kid but not in any sequel way." [sic]

From the OP.

Hay OP. I sympathise with you to an extent. My dad has been to jail twice (when he was in his 20s, both for drunken bar fights). He’s in his 70s now, sober and he is a very different person. When you have a family member who’s got a past that involves prison, drugs, or run ins with the law you just have to accept that some people will not accept it. My dad has been fully sober now for 20 years, he has been off drugs for 40 years, he has never had a run in with the law, and he volunteers helping people with similar issues. He never hurt my mum, my siblings or me - I’ve never really seen him shout at anyone. Some people still don’t accept that he has changed and as much as it is hard that’s their choice and they have a right to feel that way.

You need to understand that for some people a criminal past is an instant no, and they won’t associate with it. These people will never accept you because you have chosen to believe your husband has changed.

From the OP:

It absolutely was not sexual related. It did sort of involve a kid but not in any sequel way. It was a very long time ago and he has changed and learnt from his mistakes. They shouldn't be bought up its a private matter.

I'd absolutely LOVE to hear the SILs version of this!! Because it very much reads like you and DH started it all.

Basically, your DH said something mean/unkind to his niece, the mother of said niece was upset about it (not unreasonably), so then you and DH decided to cut them off?
And now you're upset because SIL and her DH have decided to fire back with some home truths?

Yes, and "stropping off to another room like a toddler" was probably more "I'm going to remove myself from the room for a breather before I lay down some home truths!"

Guess we will never know.... lol

Yes definitely this.
Bet it's not the first time he has said something out of order and that was the last straw.

I think you risk losing your family here, as well as your friends.
Your SIL was upset at what your DH said, and your mum clearly agreed as she asked him to apologise.

Before you have this thread deleted, and before you start WW3 on your SIL, maybe think seriously about what you have to lose here - your brother will stick by his wife not you. I don't believe in this situation you will be able to see your brother, niece and nephew if you're waging war on your SIL. You should be building bridges. And cut out the inverse snobbery.

I know a guy in his early 60s who in his 30s did a year in prison for growing cannabis. He’s a nice man whose horticultural skills are now put to good use in garden design and who follows ‘clean living’ principles to an extent that makes me feel bad. I would have no qualms whatsoever about my children spending time with him - he certainly wouldn’t be encouraging them into drug use! More likely to bore them rigid about fibre and organic veg.

Rehabilitation absolutely can happen.

But I would not let my children spend time with anyone who had, say, injured (or even worse, killed) a child through dangerous driving, or carried out an act of violence involving a child. Absolutely not.

There’s a huge range of crimes that can result in imprisonment, & some of them are such that it would be very hard for others to get past them.

I think if all of the OP’s friend group, every one of them, are that concerned about her husband’s conviction, there is probably good reason for it. This is very sad for the OP’s innocent children, but instead of ranting about her SIL she needs to think about a sensible way of building bridges with the other school mums - involving honest conversations - so that her children are not penalised for whatever their father did.

How did you get that from what they wrote?

That poster said if it was THEIR friend and what they would expect from a friend to disclose and they wouldn’t have the children in their house but would meet up in other places.

People are allowed to have their own boundaries about what they feel they need to know about a friend or a friend’s spouse especially when it involves crime and children.

If you don’t agree, perfectly fine, that is your choice/decision if it were your friends , but for others they don’t feel/think the same.

If it wasn’t that bad and these people were really OP’s friends surely they would have come to her and ask her about it?

OP would at least say what her DH has said to lead to all of this in the first place if it wasn’t that bad yet pretends she doesn’t know.

No one is asking for word for word but the gist but she is too busy concentrating on making out as if SIL overreacted when her DH set the match and she poured gasoline over it out of her heavy dislike of her SIL.

Why choose to not see your brother and the niece you supposedly love over Easter and insult his wife, her mother when asking why because your SIL disagreed and walked out over something your husband said to her daughter?

A reasonable person would have just told him to just apologise, smooth things over and move on if it truly wasn’t that bad.

Are you joking? It’s you who has started all the childish drama. Calling your SIL names and refusing to see or speak to her again is "a big deal"!

Exactly. A reasonable person. Which it seems like OP and her DH are not.

OP does come across as a drama llama. As pp said Jeremy Kyle ended ages ago.

Hmmm. Men that say offensive things under the guide of being a 'joke' deserve to be called out in it.

She had no right blabbing about his past though.

That fact you won't share a) what he did to get sent down and b) what he said to your niece (I don't believe for a second he doesn't remember) tells us everything we need to know here.