To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

Most posters in dispute with someone else post an OP that is entirely skewed to their own perspective and paint themselves as the blameless victim. This OP has managed to sound like a nightmare straight out the gate and doubled down on it in subsequent posts. Her brother and his wife must be heaving a sigh of relief at the prospect of peace, perfect peace now @Allthewineandallrhedrinks has decided to go no contact with them.

As for your husband, no-one can comment on SIL's behaviour in divulging his past stint in the Big House since you won't say what he did. It's possible that the nature of his crimes meant that if SIL posted on AIBU about (eventually) telling all her mum pals, she might get her arse handed to her for not doing it much SOONER.

You chat through things with your friends & explain your/your DHs version of what happened 15 years ago. If they are true friends, they will understand. if they don’t, who cares, you move on & make new friends.
Yes, SIL was unreasonable to mention your husbands past, you were unreasonable to ‘start WW3’ (get a grip!) & demand you don’t want to see family because your SIL sulks? Let her!! You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face.
Sounds like you are both as bad as each other & need to do some serious growing up.

Omg! She posed topless!? What a turn of events.

Your husband said something inappropriate to your niece and your SIL (her mum) protected her. She is also protecting the children at your school by letting their mums know that your husband says inappropriate things to little girls and also was in prison for doing something to a child. Your SIL isn’t the one in the wrong.

If I found out one of my DCs friend's parents had been convicted of a serious crime (presumably violent/drugs/dangerous driving if he served time?) I would be distancing from you. I would be upset and angry you had kept this from me and it would break my trust. I appreciate your DC are innocent but, depending on the crime I'm unlikely to ever let my child come to your home and would want playdates only in the park, parties, school or perhaps in my own house. Presumably they are v young if he was only released 5 years ago so I would look to build up trust again slowly with one or two of their close friends, if they are willing.

Your DH is responsible for his crime, but, like for his victim/s, the consequences of his actions are lifelong, some people will never be able to look past this, and you have no control over that. You are deflecting your anger towards your SIL and minimising your DH actions. Information in the public domain can be found at any time so you should reflect on how you might share this carefully in future as it's something your children will have to navigate all their lives and they should be your priority.

I think this thread has escalated and many here are being verbally abusive towards you.

The mums group who are excluding you are bullying you and it’s obvious that this is affecting your mental health.

My advice is to avoid anyone who is being unkind, dont get involved, or argue with anyone, remove yourself from all this stress and get yourself some counselling.

You need to talk to someone who is neutral in all this.
Best wishes to you.

You can’t be serious?

OP, is that you?
There isn’t a single person on here who has been verbally abusive.
Bullying? By not wanting to hang around with someone who is married to someone who has been away for crimes relating to a child? My guess is it’s a countrylines type conviction and he used a child as a drug runner, for what it’s worth.

How is her removing herself from a room going "OTT" while not speaking to someone (for weeks/months) and refusing to see them and calling them a toddler not being "OTT"?

Do you see that being upset/angry in the moment and removing yourself from a situation is 1 or 2/10 of overreacting (to a comment you have conveniently forgotten) while not talking to someone, refusing to see them and calling them a toddler is an 8-9/10?

Your husband started the situation, your SIL backed off and then you escalated.

How do you know that she's the one who told people about your husband's past out of interest?

It's interesting that you minimise his past, his comments to the niece and your childish behaviour "not talking to" her while expecting her to suck it all up.

You seem very juvenile with your comments about her charity work, marathons and not vaping.

OP is being so ridiculous its actually funny.

SIL is BU for leaving the room but OP and DH are NBU for leaving the house 'raging'.

DH made a joke that was so inconsequential that he can't remember it despite the comment causing SIL to leave the room and OP's mother to ask him to apologise.

DH did something no so bad ages ago that he has grown from despite it being bad enough to attract a prison sentence, was only 5 years ago and involved a child.

OP is entitled to demand SIL gets left out of family events and has to spend Easter alone while her DH and children meet up with family. SIL is BU to be upset by this.

SIL is BU to discuss her criminal BIL with a work colleague as she should have foreseen colleague would tell someone else who knows OP. No one would have found out otherwise despite the news reports being publicly available.

Surely no one can be this dense. But if this is actually real then you fucked with the wrong person OP. She sounds brilliant and if she’s a lawyer then you can’t compete with her sharp analytical thinking, meticulous attention to detail, and persuasive communication skills. So you fact you thought you could get to decide what offends other people or not but then believe everyone should just forget about your husbands past is mind numbingly stupid.

Your school mum friends have dropped you like a hot potato because they weren’t your friends to begin with and clearly whatever your husband has done they don’t want to be associated with that. You make your bed, so lay in it.

Not wanting to be friends with someone doesn't class as bullying.

For all we know her Husband could have sold drugs to kids. You only really go to prison for drugs, drug dealing, violence and sexual things or serious fraud. I've know people steal money and drink drive who get community orders and suspended sentences.

It's called self preservation and using you judgment. Not bullying.

Wow! Why would a woman married to someone who has ‘served his sentence’ be forced to declare this to all and sundry.

Should she wear sack cloth and ashes and kiss the ground as well.

You can discretely avoid your children having contact with him but to exclude the mother and children is pure bullying!

What a vile thread and there’s no justifying for the pitchfork carrying, name calling cruelty rising to the surface here.

It is a little hard to believe, isn’t it? 🤔

Wow you’re a real outlier here and seem to have no issue with the ops behaviour, I’m guessing it touched a nerve for you?

The implication is that I don't think my kids are precious? Obviously your experiences have coloured your choices, as all of ours do.
I've never left my kids with strangers. But it depends on what your definition of strangers is. Some of their friends mums have been my friends, but some of them have been acquaintances, mums of kids in the same class. Do you regard them as strangers?

OP, for your own sake and your children’s I would really try and think about your partners conviction in isolation to your feelings for him (difficult I know). People aren’t given custodial sentences because others have been OTT - I’m guessing that’s what he’s told you. And if she is a lawyer, she’ll have a good understanding of what it is he’s done so don’t go writing her off.

Also, please don’t go isolating yourself from your family. People on Mumsnet don’t just decide to go against the OP - they base their responses based on what’s been said and the overwhelming majority see red flags. Just think about all f that for a moment.

I’m sorry you’re upset and it’s not nice to be feeling isolated but don’t do anything too rash.

Except for the bit where she's put her nephews/nieces at risk of being ostracised at school.
OP sounds like a nightmare, but that doesn't make it right for SIL to do this to the kids.

I don’t mind being an outlier it’s better than jumping on a pile on.

Your implication that it ‘touched a nerve’ for me looks like an attempt to get people who enjoy a good ‘pile on’ to jump on me as well.

Attempting to implicate me in this way is pathetic of you.

Can you not engage in a discussion without personally attacking someone else?

It’s just made up bollocks that’s why.

There is no attack there or not a weird conspiracy.

You won't say what he said or what his conviction was that tells me everything I need to know alongside the fact your friendship group have ostracised you over his conviction now that they know . Presumably he served a 10 year sentence if he was released 5 years ago and its happened 15 years ago , you dont get a hefty sentence like that because someone was being ott it was clearly a very serious crime that you're basically sweeping under the rug ! I wouldn't want my kids around you either tbh.

Its not bulling if someone doesn’t want their children to be around someone who has a serious sentence for an offence involving children.
Would I want my children having play dates at Jimmys house if his father spent time in prison for kiddy porn or drug trafficking with children? Absolutely not. And it’s not at all like bullying.

Can we bin off crying “bullying!” when you hear something you disagree with?

Why do people want words to lose all meaning?

I'm surprised that she kept it quiet for so long, the past follows you, second chances at a new identity doesn't exist unless you name change.
I think you know that you overreacted cutting her off, draw a line, move on otherwise the whole family will be dragged into this.

I mean look at the post you're commenting on. This ladies 'friends' weren't aware that her husband was in prison for an ambiguous crime that involved a child. So really it's what is your definition is of a friend? Also if you leave your kids at someone's house are you aware of other adults coming and going? One FC I had his grandad was a paedophile and preying on children when they went over to play. The only people I would leave to care for my children are my parents and my sisters. That's because I know their histories and they respect my boundaries about no other children or adults around. But that's easily stuck to because I've been a parent 15 years and only used family for babysitting 5/6 times. My husband and I juggle it between us.