To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

The SIL will probably be relieved to no longer have to hang out with you and your dh.

Here it is, this thread isn't going my way, so I am not playing anymore!

Pathetic!

You still don't think you're the issue do you!

What is wrong with your sister in law being ‘one of the goodies’ and running marathons, not drinking or vaping, or doing charity work? Surely those are good things which any parent would welcome in a family member? You do sound very bitter about your sister in law in general. I completely agree with you that being able to do well in life doesn’t depend on going to university - my husband and I started work at 15 and 16 respectively and we both had successful and happy careers, but I’ve never resented all our friends and other people who did go to university.

I really don’t see how anyone on here can judge whether your sister in law was unreasonable or not in sharing your husband’s past unless you’re prepared to say what he did. But as someone else has said, it must have been reasonably serious if he went to prison for it, and involving a child could potentially be very worrying for other people whether or not you think he’s fully reformed.

The op's last post sounded like SIL was talking the situation over with one of her friends, who happened to be or know the Op's school mum posse, not adding a note to the school newsletter.

That prompted the other school mums to look up his conviction in the paper (it isn't private information) and decide on the basis of that that they wanted nothing more to do with her.

This is not a SIL problem.

Keeping children safe is everyone’s business. Sorry, your SIL did the right thing. I wouldn’t want my children being friends with or going around to the house of someone who has been to prison. It’s public information, not private. I have 2 family members who have been to prison. My dc do not have contact with them and we do not visit their houses even if they aren’t there. I found out yesterday that a school mum I know, her husband has been banned from his profession for gross misconduct related to also a sort of child as you say. My dc will not be going to their house again.

I wouldn’t want to be around anyone who was making jokes about my child either. The two together indicate your husband doesn’t have healthy boundaries (making jokes about a child, criminal offences against a child) and you sound like an enabler. I know if I was your SIL I’d be grateful to see the back of both of you by the sounds of it.

Couldn't think of anything worse then being her. She is one of the goodies does marathons, doesnt drink doesnt vape does charity. And my parents are always like oh isnt she great shes done this. She is fake as they cone. And this has shown she isnt the nice person she pretends to be.
I had the right to not want to see her. She always twists thjngs as shes good at words because of her job as lawyer. This is a class judgement thing here. Me and my husband have good jobs too doing well doesnt matter that we didn't go to university.

Jesus. Grow. The. Fuck. Up.

It wasnt violent or sexual just people being massively OTT and extreme.

Custodial sentences and criminal records are not given out on other people's over reactions. Or are you describing a judge/jury/witnesses etc as being massively OTT when convicting and sentencing him?

It seems you need to work through some of this and understand why people (who have been very inclusive and up to now socialised with you and included you) may always view dh behaviour through the lens of his prior convictions.

Some of the things people have said about my husband is vile

The things you've said about your SIL are vile.

What's the difference?

Team SIL all the way. She sounds great, and honestly some might say she had a moral duty to tell people about what your husband did - I can't say for sure because you won't say what he did, but if I found out a parent of my child's friend was in prison for something involving a kid and I had a friend who knew and didn't tell me, now that would be WW3!

You're upset because the truth hurts. It's not a nice thing to experience, so I do sympathise, but try to think about it logically - how likely is it, really, that you and your husband are in the right and literally everybody else is wrong?

Wow you really are a self centered jealous person aren't you.
No we aren't all just like your sil we just aren't buying your twisted version of events.
You caused this by behaving like a spoilt brat and demanding that your husband a convicted criminal should be able to make inappropriate comments to your niece with no consequences for him.
If I found out someone hid their husbands criminal convictions and jail time for crimes that involved a child id never speak to them nor have them near my dc again mot nescaraly for the crime but because of the lies

Jealousy and dislike of your sister in law isn't an excuse to behave the way you did. You and your husband should have apologised, shouldn't have kicked off.

I don't think it was kind of her to tell the mums but when you always knew it was a risk that they would find out and you have to accept that.

My advice? Apologise for the offence caused, explain that her disclosing your husbands past impacts your child, but try not to fall out permanently with them.

If your husband is as you believe him to be the hold your high and move on. Its OK to grieve your friendships and in time you'll make new friends. Just remember you react in these situations is what people form lasting judgements on.

SiL has played a blinder here hasn't she. Keeping quiet all this time about and acquaintance in common. She is smart. Almost like she knew she'd need to play this ace card one day and like there's long history of this type of things happening. She has out manoeuvred you OP and your might not feel jealous but it does come across like you feel inferior in some way.

Lesson learned for you, stop minimising your husbands actions and think carefully before you blow your own life up again. As others have mentioned, best to be good to people who know your secrets.

Your husbands as thug who's done time and says awful things to a young girl to the point her mom was upset and walked out. Your own mother told you to apologise and your both raging. I suspect your that used to your dh behaviour that your not aware how inappropriate his comment was. You wont say the comment said nor what your dh done time for. Its not normal to serve time in prison. There's a big crime committed and your glossing over it.

People aren’t agreeing with you so you’re, to use your words, “sulking off like a toddler”. The lack of self awareness is staggering. You don’t want opinions, you want validation. You aren’t going to get people agreeing that your high-achieving, charity-doing, sober SIL is a bitch for walking out of a room when your H made some sort of inappropriate or upsetting comment to her DD that apparently you can’t remember, or mentioned your H’s publicly available criminal history to a friend, unless you actually provide some relevant context beyond “she’s fake and a bitch that’s good with words”.

I bet your parents love having a marathon running, non vaping, lawyer in the family. LOL.

I would say that lots, perhaps the majority of people, wouldn't want their children around someone who had been to prison.

You have obviously forgiven him, but other people don't have to associate with him.

If they are school gate friends then obviously they have children. They are completely within their rights, and indeed sensible to not associate with someone who has served a custodial sentence. And by association the person who is married to the person who went to prison.

You choose to stay with, and have children with, someone who went to prison..

You shouldn't be surprised that this has curtailed you social friendship options now that people have found out

Couldn't think of anything worse then being her. She is one of the goodies does marathons, doesnt drink doesnt vape does charity. And my parents are always like oh isnt she great shes done this.

She sounds a really decent person, I would love to get to know her and be friends with her.

You should raise your standards to hers @Allthewineandallrhedrinks She sounds a far better person than you do.

Agree. It looks like the 'class judgement ' is actually the other way - bloody do-gooding, non-drinking, marathon-running lawyers ruining the country.

If you make a joke that lands badly or hurts someone the best response is usually to apologise rather than doubling down on it and blaming the other person for being offended. You then behaved quite atrociously making your brother between his wife and you.

Having said that she shouldn't have blabbed about your husband or got your kids' school involved in your petty quarrel. That is incredibly nasty and unfair on the kids.

Try not to overreact (again) and reflect on your behaviour. You bought this on yourself, over something apparently so trivial no-one can remember what it was. I hope the school mums treat you a bit better as well. Whatever your husband did, its not fair to punish you or your children for it. even though you were willing to ostrasise her for daring to be a non blood relative/lawyer/know how stupid vaping is etc. You've had a very harsh lesson in karma here. I'd be seeking to calm things down and try and repair things, not start WW3.

This is an excellent point - if I made a comment that upset a child I would 100% apologise for that, even if I thought my comment was fine - I would feel sorry for having caused their upset, and I would have no problem expressing that.

I'd like to take your SIL out for coffee and a cake. She sounds like my kind of person.

This!

Marathon-running non-vaping lawyer or a convict who upsets family members at parties…which in law would YOU choose?!

You are so unreasonable, I don’t even know where to start. This thread is so identifiable as well that I would imagine (it being true), one of those school parents who have stopped talking to you (or any friends/family/colleagues of the people in question) will have worked out who is who here and will have told the lovely lawyer in question. I hope she starts a thread telling us all what it was your husband has said and done….