To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

Well, surely it all depends on context?

If an adult said "no, sorry you can't have another doughnut", and your child is upset, because they really wanted another one.... you'd "escalate the hell out of" that?

"It sounds worse written down"
😂

Agreed.

I’m not the problem here

Of course you are.

You cut off your SIL for walking out of a room.
Then expected your brother to meet up without her!

Your SIL removed herself from an unpleasant situation. I suspect this isn't the first time your husband made her upset. Your mother told him to apologise so it wasn't nothing.

Your mum friends have made up their own minds based on the crime. It's not confidential information.

You tried to organise Easter without your SIL. Why? Because she needed some space from your husband? She didn't cause a scene, she left the scene. If you were a reasonable person you would have tried to clear the air directly with her.

You are the problem here. You're a troublemaker.

It seems to me you very much are the problem OP.
Starting “WW3” over an issue started by YOUR husband, going NC (which sil is probably thrilled about! ) rather than apologising for the upset…there’s a quote that I can’t recall accurately, about meeting one arsehole a day is unfortunate, but when everyone you come across is an arsehole perhaps its you!

Telling friends about prison does seem unreasonable on the face of it, but you’ve pushed SIL into this and really depends what the conviction was for. It’s got to have been pretty serious to get sent to prison these days…

Your user name intrigues me - many a true word spoken in jest? Was booze involved at the falling out at your parents? Perhaps sober up and you wouldn’t be falling out with everyone left right and centre!

I think it’s OP who has escalated. All SiL did was remove herself to another room because of what DH said. OP’s mother clearly thought an apology was warranted but instead of even considering it, OP and DH flounced off and unilaterally decided to cut contact with SiL. Something in that remark has caused SiL to rethink her DD being around OP and her DH, and divulging DH’s past to a mutual friend, and by extension to the wider mum’s group, may be as a warning to them. Without knowing any of the relevant detail, it’s hard to say.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks You and your husband are the issue here

Not SIL and not her daughter, your niece!

You
You
You

If I were SIL I would be glad to see the back of you.

But you won't be back to see any of these comments will you, because in your tiny little mind, it is everyone else's fault.

Obviously not.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again

You had already made a big deal out of it and started a war!

OK, she retaliated badly and has been really horrible since.

BUT whatever was said ‘jokily’ obviously upset her. What you / your DH should have done was say it was obvious you had unintentionally caused upset, please explain so we can apologise.

But no: you cut her off and then tell your brother you won’t see them over Easter and sling out nasty insults about your SIL.

She has now upped the stakes (as happens when you start a war) and been very nasty indeed.

But convictions are not private . They are a matter of public record.

Great that your DH has turned his life around. Support him by not turning every interaction into a war that brings retaliation?

You want to start a 'war' with the wrong person. What is so scary about being single that you would remain in a relationship with this man? He has a conviction for an offence against a child and even though you say he is reformed he makes inappropriate comments towards another child! Your friends didn't distance themselves because of your SIL, they did so because they want to safeguard themselves and their DCs against a bad man and the woman who has kept his background a secret.

I can tell by the way this is written that you’re the problem! 🤣🤣

At the very least he put the child at risk in some way, and OP’s SiL is trusting her DD around him. I’d bet the farm that the remark he made has caused her to rethink whether that’s wise. OP and her DH seem to be very self absorbed and clearly not self aware, or they would know why SiL took offence.

I don't see why she should keep your dirty secrets now you've made it clear that you don't see her or your niece as family.
You obviously do know what your husband said, or at least he does, because they would have said. Maybe ask your mum what the offending comment was, since your husband conveniently can't remember now.

It sounds like your family has too many skeletons in the closet to be starting feuds tbh.
People in glass houses...

I appreciate you not wanting to discuss your partners convictions or what was said but I think it’s probably vert relevant. In my option you started the ‘war’

How can your husband have said something offensive, been asked to apologise, and not remember what it was???? This is total nonsense.

The fact that you won't say

• what the conviction was for and
• what your husband said to your niece

is telling.

Convictions are private matters. It was in the papers to begin with (which by the way sounds bad)

Also, cutting her off for "sulking" - which was no doubt her way to avoid an argument - is childish. Your comments about her being miss perfect make it sound like you have a massive chip on your shoulder...

The fact your describe something being said "in a jokey way" makes me think it was probably weird (in a bad way) or insulting. I would probably do more than just go sulk in another room if someone made a comment about my child "in a jokey way". As his crime that he went to prison involved a child (although not in a sexual way), given he may be around those school mums children I think she was right to tell them as you clearly didn't, how they have reacted to that is not her problem. I'd also not want to be friends with someone who is in a relationship with someone who had gone to prison for a crime involving children.

She’s calculated this just to get own back. Yes she has, and she’s absolutely hit the jackpot. You started it, she’s finished it by sharing this shocking news. Sounds like you have more to lose by throwing a wobbler than she does. You started this.

You decided to be shitty about the nieces strop (you still haven’t said how old the niece is, 6? 16? 26?) and it’s antagonised SIL so much she’s got her own back big style. She’s already started WW3 hun, and won it. Sounds like you have lost your friends and family by sending a rude message about Easter. Was it worth it? Was the nieces reaction so bad it was worth all this? Again, her age and the ‘jokey’ comment are hugely relevant. If your DH said ‘Hey have you put on weight?’ To a 16 year old then yeah, her strop was justified.

Well I doubt you're still reading, but I don't know how you don't recognise that this is all down to you.

Your SIL took herself to another room to avoid exploding in response to what was said. That was probably the best option open to her at that point, rather than have a row at your parents'. And then she put it away and didn't bring it up again.

But then you acted like a complete child

I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again

Really? Are you eight years old? You lit a firework off and caused a family rift entirely unnecessarily. Pathetic.

YANBU for being furious at her for telling people about your H. That was an awful thing to do and your "friends" behaviour has shown who they really are.

YABU for contacting your brother about Easter, you should have waited for him to bring it up and then discussed the situation

I’m just really surprised that op thinks her brother and his dc would still want contact with her after her behaviour!

Your husband made a comment, your SIL walked away, but somehow it's about you feeling uncomfortable?

All of this with bells on.

When people on MN say a comment was 'jokey' I read it as a 'a passive aggressive dig'. That always makes more sense.

OP - you sound very unreasonable. I think your brother and his wife are doing the right thing by removing themselves from this melodramatic set up.

And as for your husbands criminal past being private - it's not. It's a matter of public record.