To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

Im not the problem here

Yes you are.
How convenient that you can’t remember the “jokey” comment your husband made.
You’re really overreacting to someone leaving a room, OP. Not wanting to see her again and arranging separate Easter events so that you don’t have to see her? Seems very extreme. You say she made you uncomfortable in your parents house because she left the room. Maybe you and your husband made her uncomfortable when he was mean to her daughter.

And now, it’s quite satisfying really. You tried to ostracise her and don’t want to see her at family events. Your friends are now ostracising you and don’t want to see you. You reap what you sow.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks
Let's be realm... The fact you cant even tell strangers what he did say a lot.
It's presumably violent if not sexual.

Put yourself in your friends shoes....
They've been socialising with you and allowed their children into your home...
I would be absolutely furious you didn't mention your husband had done YEARS in prison for a violent crime and would want nothing at all to do with you. In particular because its a lie of omission but also because your dh/ dp is capable of extreme violence.

You sound really unpleasant and I think you’re sugar coating what your husband has done. I’m team SIL. I would be so relieved not having to see you or your criminal husband

What's with all the "blood contact" thing as well. Your husband isn't a "blood contact" in your parents house either!

I don't know...if it was over 15 years ago perhaps he was involved in gang crime and was 'groomed' into that life from a young age, in which case children are embedded into that life 🤷 but you know, I'm wildly guessing and extrapolating off two words - like everyone else!

My point is everyone's jumping on things to assume the worst and there's no evidence for the worst in the post. Most of us write badly on this site - especially when emotions are high.

Op won't be back because most people have already decided her husband is some form of child abuser.

I still think she's behaved badly throughout this whole scenario and that she should have accepted by now if people find out about his past they're going to judge. I think she's been out of line

Personally, unless her husband could post an ongoing risk to children, I think her SIL was out of line too - not for the Ops sake, but for her child's. They might not even know about their dad's past but are likely to suffer for it now its school-gate gossip.

You unfortunately have double standards @Allthewineandallrhedrinks

Your husband went to prison for something involving a child but you expect everyone to forgive and forget.

Your husband said something to your niece (that you have conveniently forgotten what it was) and you expect everyone to forget about it.

However, your SIL gets upset over whatever it was your husband says and leaves the room. But YOU won't forgive and forget (not that there is anything to forgive) and refuse to see her again.

Can you not see how unreasonable and disproportionate you are being?

The fact that me and my husband cant remember what offended her so much to cause an atmosphere and leave the room shows it wasnt the a big deal. If he had said something horrible to my neice id have said something to her. I love my neice. I only knew because my mum told my husband to apologise. So we went home and were raging

you do know. As does your husband, you were both just embarassed to be called out on his bad behaviour and your sil leaving the room highlighted It. Your own mother said he should apologise, if you didn’t know you could ask her. You do know. That’s why you’re not.

but instead of apologising you took the nuclear option thinking you could bully her. Now you’ve your come uppance.

I mean why shouldn’t she tell everyone. It’s not like your blood.

She meant the SIL flounced off and made her uncomfortable and isn´t blood related. Not sure what the last one has to do with anything, but she didn´t mean the niece.

They're assuming the worst because OP hasn't clarified and has said "it looks worse on paper" and it involves a child, and he went to prison for it.

What else are they supposed to assume? A petty theft of a bottle of whiskey from Tesco and a 9yo was the only witness?

The going to prison is the key, it can't really have been a minor offence 🤷‍♀️

So your DH was convicted and served time for a child related offence and you don’t know what he said to your niece ? Instead of taking offence and ostracising your SiL, why didn’t you try to find out why she was offended ?

A couple of things jump out at me here. The first is that your mum thought the remark warranted an apology, but you and your DH decided to have a strop and escalate instead. Would a simple apology and clarification that no offence was intended have avoided this ? And you didn’t bother to discuss the incident with either your SiL or your brother until Easter plans needed to be discussed, at which point you revealed your intention to cut contact with your SiL. Nicely done.

Without knowing the offence your DH committed, or whether what he said to your niece could be in any way connected with that, it’s impossible to say who is at fault. But the fact that you are determined not to reveal either leads me to believe there is a lot more to this than you’re telling us. You also haven’t told us your niece’s age, which l think is relevant.

Your brother and SiL are trusting that their child will be safe around your DH, who has a child related conviction. Neither of you seem to appreciate the leap of faith that involves, and it hasn’t crossed your minds that the remark he made to your niece may have caused your SiL to rethink things. Her decision to divulge your DH’s past to a mutual friend may not be spite, as you assume. It may be that your DH’s comment has suggested to her that he may still present some sort of threat to children, and it’s her way of warning the wider school mum group.

So l suspect you and your DH are the problem and your reluctance to give any detail indicates that you know why.

If i was SIL, I'd be looking forward to a nice quiet Easter.

For the nth time, the op hasn't said her husband spent years in prison. There's no evidence that it was a violent crime either.

This is what she said about the crime and sentence:

He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.

the news paper about what he did ( over q5 years ago). It doesnt give context and he has changed made mistakes but learnt from them.

It absolutely was not sexual related. It did sort of involve a kid but not in any sequel way. It was a very long time ago and he has changed and learnt from his mistakes

Even just having your side where you are trying to put it as favourably for yourself as possible im going with yabu.

You make your husband sound as dodgy as fuck tbh.

If your sil told people the truth about your husband and that made them want to remove him and you from their social circle then that is your husband's fault for doing it, not your sils fault for talking about it.

why on earth didn’t he just apologise for offending the niece, even if it was a joke? That’s what most people would do.

i do agree that she has escalated it though. A lot.

Haha great minds and all that! 😂

"Doing time" generally means spending time in prison. And I'm assuming if the offence was in the paper and she's been ostracised by her entire group of friends then it's pretty serious and not just unpaid parking ticket.

No, but it isn't a petty crime either if he went to prison.

The involving kids is important in context, as the comment was made to a child.

I’d have escalated the hell out of it too if someone had upset my child.

Bill Sykes, more likely!

Oh, yes you are. You and your DH are the problem.
Your mum thought your niece was due an apology, so what was said was not ‘nothing’.
And your refusal to say what your DH was convicted of proves it was some serious too, and worthy of letting others know about it, especially as you’ve admitted it related to at least one child.

YABVU.

Me too I’d be all byeeee…

The thing is im not being cagey but ehat my husband did sounds worse written down

🙄🙄🙄🙄
Does it now?

I would feel totally betrayed if I found out my friend had not told me about their husband's prison conviction and would want nothing to do with them. It's about informed consent.

Your family sounds nasty, including you. I feel sorry for the children growing up in it.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks”I’m not the problem here”

You might want to relook at this, given that we’ve only heard your side of things and 841 people still think you’re being unreasonable…

I didnt say he'd not spent time in prison, I said she hadn't written that he spent years in prison.

I'm aware of what 'doing time' means.

I'm also not taking the op's side (in case it needs pointing out) but some of these replies move into the world of hysteria.