To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

Right! SIL's probably tired of their ish.

YABVU

It isn’t for you to decide what a person can and cannot be uncomfortable about especially when it wasn’t aimed at you.

You, yourself said you felt uncomfortable about their reaction so why is your feelings ok but theirs isn’t?

This type of stuff irks me. I had family members like this who made jokes at/about me and if I didn’t laugh and said nothing or obviously looked uncomfortable (never walked out), they were then uncomfortable and made it out as if I was the problem when they could have kept the ‘joke’ to themselves.
Worse, we don’t have that type of relationship or even close whatsoever.

You can go “nuclear” but it’s highly likely it is not going to go the way you hope.

I've just googled what gets a prison sentence of 5 years and they're all pretty dreadful, so I would distance myself from you too, even if he's reformed.

I thought the same thing , surely he isn't blood related either?

What makes you think your SIL would let you control the situation? You risk never seeing her kids again (believe me it happens) and for that matter your brother again.

Time to stop your knee jerk hitting out reactions and THINK it through and how you can repair this.

You’ve got two choices, completely burn all your bridges and do more damage or start rebuilding bridges.

Good luck.

Your SIL has already quietly unleashed WW3 and you don’t like it. Reminding them that you don’t want to see them at Easter is exactly the kind of nasty thing my ex-SIL would do hoping to get a reaction.

Yes,that's a valid point. I suppose my answer would be that being a reformed character- turning from a criminal to a law abiding citizen (which is admirable) - doesn't stop someone being a knob!

And we don't know that his comment was in any way related. If it was then it puts a totally different spin on things, of course.

OP, I’m going to try to be kind and helpful.

It was obviously unkind and quite spiteful that your sister in law told your friends about your husband’s criminal convictions. No dispute about that. But the fact your friends have stopped speaking to go because of him surely must have you pause to consider how serious it is?

Is he the father of your children? It seems as though the offence was in relating to a child. That’s a real worry (a far bigger worry than starting WW3 with anyone). And 5 years is not that long ago. I thought you were going to say the offence was 20 years ago, maybe when he was a teenager. You really should reflect very seriously on whether he is a safe person to be around.

Now onto the “WW3”. All your choice of language suggests you are a drama seeker. Most mature adults don’t talk about “starting WW3” with anyone, or that the person in question is not even “blood related”. And they certainly don’t stop all contact just because that person sulked off out of a room. Your reaction - cancelling Easter plans and going no contact with your sister in law - was a wholly disproportionate reaction. So, the second thing I think you need to do is work on your reactions to small life stresses. This started as such a non event.

And the third thing to think about is I do not accept that you don’t recall what it was your husband said to your niece. You need a bit of honesty with yourself around this (not with us we don’t matter). But if he teased her unkindly (even under the guise of a “joke”) that is really not good.

It seems to be that the problem here is much more your husband and your own immature over reaction than it is your sister in law (though, as I’ve said, she was spiteful).

You really, in my view, need to take a hard look at your husband and yourself. It’s not an easy thing to do. But you really risk damaging your children if your response to a minor fall out is to cancel plans and cut people off. You also risk damaging them. Even more so, if you have brought a dangerous man into their lives.

Convictions are a matter of public information not private. Post the link to his court report and let’s see if it changes the mind of 93% of us who think you’re the problem 🤣

Your subject line and your post make me want to hear sils version 🤣

She doesn't mention a 5 year sentence?

mums have found the news paper about what he did ( over q5 years ago).

This was probably meant to say it was over 15 years ago but again relates to time elapsed, not time served.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks , glass house and stones.
It doesn't sound like you're in a position to win this war, so stand down.
Your child-related ex-con said something seemingly offensive to a child, which pissed Your SIL off. You then decides to go nuclear with your reaction when you can'teven recall what it was; and SIL decided to take it straight to hell.

Just accept you played a stupid game and lost. No more damage needs to be done, as with news articles and all, it sounds like SIL has a lot more rope left to hang you and you may end up derailing your husband's 'rehabilitation'.

Your Mum is going to end up in the middle here. If you want to keep a relationship with your family, don't make her pick sides like you tried to do with your Brother. You've lost your friends (and won't get them back), your Brother's loyalty lies with his family being his wife and Daughter.

If you're wanting to keep in contact with your family, you're going to need to admit your husband said something wrong (if he did) and stop brushing it off.

Over 15 years ago, not 5 years ago.
Looks like it was a typo
mums have found the news paper about what he did ( over q5 years ago).

You sound very problematic.

Things said ‘in a jokey way’ are usually digs dressed up as a joke, and she has clearly taken it this way. To try and cut her out over that is mental.

You’re not coming out of this well OP. I’d say you’re definitely the problem.

Sorry, even the title ‘to start WW3 with SIL’ .. so petty. You did start it, and she retaliated. Good for her.

I really really dislike people who minimise their own bad behaviour. Whatever your dh said it was bad.
Five years ago he also did something bad.
Now you have decided you are "starting ww3" with your sil.
Just think about you and dh' s behaviour here.
This is on you. Not her.

Still curious how you will start ww3 op when you’ve already went no contact and informed them you never want to see her again.

sending her poison pen letters maybe?

What he said to your niece clearly wasn't nothing if your mum told him to apologise as well as your SIL being upset.

I also doubt that no one can remember what he said- if you can't remember then how do you know "it wasn't that bad"?

Also, if your husband was in prison for 5 years and it was in the paper then it's obviously something bad. Given you have upset half your family and your friends have cut you off, I don't know that I would trust your definition of "bad" either.

I don't think your SIL sharing something that you yourself said was public knowledge (it being in the paper) is unreasonable.

Id like to hear your SIL's side of things.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks you still haven't said what your husband said to your niece - you must know what it was yourself to be able to determine that it's 'nothing'. Your mum thought it serious enough to make your husband apologise, so why don't you? And her not being blood is irrelevant - her daughter, your niece and your brother's child is blood. If it's about her, she has every right to be pissed if she determines it appropriate to be so.

Context in this is very important, so besides knowing what was said things like age of niece, was she upset etc? But you can't expect people to judge all of these elements seperately if we don't know what they are. The nuggets of information you provided here don't add to that.

And, to be fair, yes she might have told them the information but she hasn't made them shun you - they made that decision on their own. And if the information is publicly available (did you mention an article or did I dream that?), it would have inevitably come out at some point. And if it is child sensitive, parents will want to know

If it wasn’t a big deal why did you call your brother to say separate Easter’s this year?

Nasty comments disguised as jokes are still nasty comments.

Your friends have obviously read the reports on your husband and made their own minds up.

This and I can imagine if you've been ostracised by an entire group of friends then it's pretty clear whatever crime your husband committed is pretty awful.

And yes it would be great to make out we live in an understanding, judgement free society but we don't. That's life and if I'd found out that a friends husband had been sent to jail for a crime committed against a child, I can't imagine I'd be wanting to stay friends with them.

What your SIL originally did (sulking as you put it) may well have been unreasonable but going NC over it is a massive overreaction. She has responded by retaliating, and her retaliatory action is more of a reason to go NC - but seeing as she did it after your overreaction, you should take responsibility here.

As for your friends, if they don’t want anything to do with you after hearing your side too, then that’s how it is. It would have happened however they found out.

@NavyNorris looks like we're on exactly the same page here with consecutive comments 😂