MIL planning her own party and didn’t invite me!

[ImaMothertoo]

MIL has planned a Mother’s Day afternoon tea party for herself.

She called dh to invite him today and made it clear the invite is ONLY for him ! He’s one of 5. She only wants her dc there ! Told him she’s arranged it early so that nobody else makes plans and we (the partners) all have notice 😂😂 she’s mad !

He told her that he already has plans and he will pop round the day before with her gifts !

AIBU to think she’s really rude to do this !

No hierarchy to who? Obviously they are both mothers and in that they are equals. But in terms of their relationship to this man (one being his wife and one being his mother) they are not equals: one is the primary relationship in his life.

We have children and we put everything into them. We love them more than anything and we prioritise them. But we cannot expect that in return from them, especially once they have spouses and children of their own.

But only one of them has a relationship with the man as his mother. It's Mother's Day for people to celebrate their own mothers.

There doesn't need to be any conflict at all if everyone just chilled out about it and stopped expecting it to be a big faff of a day. I'm always bemused by the threads where there are all these scheduling conflicts between who is seeing who on the day and what presents are being bought.

There doesn't need to be any conflict here either. OP can have a morning getting her cards and have a nice breakfast or something if she's bothered about it and MIL can have her little tea party she wants later.

You are reading too much in my post.

Nope.

Everyone in a family is important. While the nuclear family is the focus day to day, they're are times when other family members, especially parents, take priority.
Sometimes their needs are more important. Sometimes it's just nice to put them first or do something slightly inconvenient because you know it will bring them joy.

It's depressing to see so many women on this thread having an attitude that their presence in their husband's life makes his mother entirely dispensible.
There's a lot of talk on Mumsnet of MILs not wanting to share their son. This thread has brought out all the wives who aren't prepared to share their husbands with the person who gave birth to him, on actual Mothers Day.

So she expects you to stay alone with your three kids, having lost your own mum (so sorry to hear), so she can have all her kids around her on mother's day? Fuck that.

She sounds like my MIL who still reckons she is the matriarch of the family (with 5 kids). I'm the only DIL and god, it's been a shock to her that I don't fall in with every single plan she has.

In my family, we try to include all the mothers on mother's day where possible. But if there is a choice to be made, I do think the mums of young children should be prioritised, being in the trenches of motherhood and all that.

I don't know why people get so worked up and angry about other people like this.

The MIL is perfectly free to invite anyone she likes to her home/event for any occasion.
Invitees are perfectly free to say no thank you that doesn't work for me, I have other plans.

Why the fuss?

I do not expect to spend the day with my daughters. They have young children and I hope they are thoroughly spoiled on the day with their husbands helping their children provide breakfast in bed etc. Really, I know my children love me but I am no longer at the coal face and a card or message is enough for me. There are some entitled DMs and DMILs about. I am sure it was only mothers who were actually mothering who were celebrated years ago.

The only reason there is conflict here is because MIL is seeking to exclude her DIL from Mother’s Day celebrations despite the fact that she is a mother. Thankfully, OP’s DH will not see his wife excluded to appease his mother.

The default should absolutely be that everyone sees their mother on Mother’s Day (where possible) but if MIL is insistent that OP is not welcome, it is not right that her DH leaves her to look after the children alone while he swans off. Especially given the fact that OP sadly doesn’t have her own mother anymore.

Thank you. Sensible.

His mother is his mother, his wife isn't.

Well said

As I said earlier the woman has five kids, it's quite possible they all have a partner, OP has three kids so we are up to MIL plus 14 and it's possible there are other GC. Maybe she hasn't got space for 14+

She isn't asking for the whole day just tea party time. The OP has an 11 year old child so has problem with her partner for at least 12 years and it sounds like this is the first time her MIL has asked for this.

It isn't exactly a big deal, once every twelve years.

Obviously. His mother is his mother, and his wife is a mother to his children. Mother’s Day is about celebrating mothers.

Have you honestly never noted your husband on Father’s Day, as he isn’t your own father? Very odd.

I haven't. DC have made Father's Day cards at school as they make Mother's Day cards and I've facilitated them making him breakfast in bed when they've asked to.

I don't celebrate him as a father myself or expect him to celebrate me as a mother. We are not each other's parents and I find the idea weird.

His wife is his children’s mum. You know how we don’t just let our kids starve and run around naked until they work it all out for themselves? Good dads help their kids to celebrate Mother’s Day for their mums.

I agree. And a good MIL will expect her son to prioritise his wife and kids, @99bottlesofkombucha.

Exactly! Some comments on here are batshit.

Enjoy your Mother’s Day Op

It’s the wrong way round though in my opinion. it’s the adult children who should organise not the mother. It’s not for her to say she should be celebrated , the celebration is from others who are affected by her mothering to think yes I have a good mum I want to do something.

but then I find celebrating yourself for having sex in order to satisfy a biological urge to reproduce quite odd. So maybe not the best one to opine!

Yes but the Mil has done her time ‘wrangling 5 kids’ this is just a nice couple of hours. Hopefully when her children grow, they’ll do something similar for OP.

BTW twatspangle is a fabulous new word. May I borrow?

Quite agree, they benefit from a partner being a great mum as mums benefit from partners who are great dads

So not the entire day. Just afternoon tea ? So hour or 2 ? Then I understand her maybe just wanting that small amount of time with her children.

I would have encouraged my dh to do it. But sadly his mother has passed. But I would hope if I planned that with my dm he would be understanding. Its only a small portion of the day.

Doesn’t your MIL know that she should only speak when spoken to? Heaven forbid she asks her adult DC whether they might want to have tea with her! What a bitch!

For those saying it would only be a couple of hours, surely that depends on where you live. My MIL lives 5 hours away.

What do the posters who think the MIL isn't unreasonable do on fathers day? (Presuming they have children and a husband/partner, and a dad)

This year will be my first mothers/fathers day and I'm excited to make a gentlemans afternoon tea for my husband at home, to thank him for being such a good dad to our baby and partner to me. My dad would be happy with a quick visit on Saturday or a card/message.

As our baby gets older I'll facilitate what they want to do for their dad, and I hope he'll do the same for me

The concept of either of us marking either FD or MD for each other passed me by entirely. By the time DC were old enough to have the smallest inkling of what was happening they were doing themed craft stuff at nursery and then school that came home.

Celebrating when your first child is still a baby and entirely unaware will always be a very odd concept to me.

Unrelated I have never heard of a gentleman's afternoon tea but it gives me unfortunate connotations of euphemistically named gentlemen's clubs and strippers being involved.