MIL planning her own party and didn’t invite me!

[ImaMothertoo]

MIL has planned a Mother’s Day afternoon tea party for herself.

She called dh to invite him today and made it clear the invite is ONLY for him ! He’s one of 5. She only wants her dc there ! Told him she’s arranged it early so that nobody else makes plans and we (the partners) all have notice 😂😂 she’s mad !

He told her that he already has plans and he will pop round the day before with her gifts !

AIBU to think she’s really rude to do this !

And it might be that she meant that her children might otherwise make plans for her

Having typed that, I actually think that's the more likely explanation.

The historical meaning was not connected to mothers in the maternal sense but visiting one's mother church (i.e. where one was baptised). Over time this transmuted into people in service visiting their mothers. But the original religious meaning is the reason it moves because the timing is linked to Easter. A complete tangent to the thread, but shows that it has changed meaning over the years.

Your right. I'd completely forgotten that the mother church preceded visiting mothers. Flu is messing with my brain as well as the rest of me!

But I don't think that there's been any real change to who it's for in recent times. Mothers are mothers, and they don't cease to matter when the children are no longer primary age.

Hilarious behaviour. Does she have form for this kind of thing?

Completely on board with your way of thinking and really hope to be like your MIL.

This hard and pretty equal division has made me think about posts on other threads here commenting about married in people not feeling like real family. Which is alien to me but something I do observe a lot.

I wonder how much this is a factor. Lots of but she's not YOUR Mum happening.

I suspect OP would have been happy to share Mother's Day plans if she wasn't being excluded. I don't get a sense this is a jealousy thing or monopolising Mother's Day from OP.

Noone has even said MILs shouldn't see their children independently, which has been thrown around. Just that perhaps when your 5 adult children have their own kids, MD isn't that day!

Not sure what the problem is adult children can spend time with there parent alone you know. Clearly she would enjoy this for one day get a grip

But it can't be a competition about who the adult child has to honour by spending time together on the day.

The normal and reasonable thing to do, in a friendly and happy family, would be to acknowledge/accept/appreciate that your son’s partner is also a mother - the mother to your own grandchildren - and include them in any Mother’s Day plans if you’re making them. Because you like each other and enjoy spending time with and celebrating each other. DIL can appreciate what a great job MIL did raising the man she married. MIL can appreciate what a great DIL she has and the lovely mother she’s become. What’s so hard about that??

I don't think MIL was unreasonable to want to spend time with all her adult children on Mothers Day, but I think she was unreasonable to arrange something without actually finding out if it was convenient - or at least saying "I would like to do this" beforehand.

The sentiment is fine, the execution would annoy me.

I think the problem for me would be two things:
Firstly the exclusion of wives/partners and gc from the invitation.
Secondly, going ahead and arranging it without prior consultation as to whether her dc would be free and want to leave their own families.
I see my daughter (shopping, lunch etc) on her own as well as with my son in law and granddaughter - but it’s always with prior consultation! Surely that’s the difference here and what makes MIL’s actions selfish and unreasonable in my view. Glad to hear your DH has made a stand - sounds like he has her measure!

I always have time with my adult DC. Their partners go off with their mums, usually for an afternoon tea. I never ask. They organise it.
I think it all depends on your situation. DH lost his DM last year. He spent the afternoon of MD with his DM. Surely (HRTFT) you partners are missing time with your own DMs if you are with your partners.

Entitled of her to want to see her son on Mother’s Day?

She is his mother, not OP!

His mother hasn’t asked for him to be there all day.

She is allowed to want a few hours with just her dc.

Not when that gets in the way of their family celebrating the partner's role as a mother.

So women hate men spend all their time complaing about how hard done by they are and how badly being treated by them and how men do nothing but soon as his mother wants to see her children without their partners 'he's mine I want him he is not yours i own him now'

How weird that you don’t get that. Are your kids young at the moment? Of course it’s nice sometimes to spend time with just your kids that you (in most cases) birthed and raised and have a special relationship with. It doesn’t undermine your relationship with any in-laws, but just spending time with them is incredibly special, moreso because it doesn’t happen very often.

To me, that’s the crux of this (I have kids at home and older kids / grandkids). When your kids are adults it’s not about presents etc it’s about making time, when they’re younger it’s a day to say thanks and maybe have a bit of a break. OP’s kids are of an age where they don’t need much help. DH needs to prime them, and they need to crack on. He can go to mums thing and still be home on time to help the kids put dinner in the oven.

Too much competition here.

I'd be happy for DH to spend Mother's Day with his DM, because she is his mum, not me! We have DCs, but it really is just a normal day to me.

Yes. That's exactly what people are saying 🥴.

C'mon. Your summary is a bit of a stretch from what the OP and posts say. Noone is claiming he's anyone's. He is an adult with agency. Noone is saying MIL shouldn't see her children on Mother's Day or that time alone isn't okay.

Plenty saying her execution is off and MIL could do to be mindful that there are others in the picture. Especially as OPs own Mum passed away recently.

Who made those rules?

You could have an afternoon tea party.

Wow!! Secondary?!

this place makes me so sad sometimes.

Nope. That’s YOUR opinion. This isn’t a rule or policy. Thai is just what you think and what you like.

all mothers are equal an every family will have different traditions. Some celebrate some don’t.

one year I took one child and met up with my mum; H took the other child and met up with his mum.

sometimes we do stuff just us. Sometimes we see one of our mums all together.

sometimes to be honest I just treat as another day!

I know some people who have a day “off” and go to spa while the dad takes the kids.

some mums use the time to spend with kids. Some use it as a time for a break.

some have bad relationships and it’s a non event or can be traumatic or cause upset.

so please don’t spout rubbish about contemporary Mother’s Day. Just because people have different ways to spend a day doesn’t mean they’re selfish or goady.

this poor MIL just wants to see her kids without the rest of them for a couple of hours. She’s planed in advance so that everyone can be aware. I doubt she’s forcing everyone and the son’s response is fine. So it’s a non issue and OP is being quite dramatic.

Absolutely.

It’s nonsensical to say that OP’s feelings and MIL’s feelings are truly equal. If they were, her DH would be at an absolute stalemate every time his wife and his mother had conflicting feelings about something. A man will not have a happy marriage if he prioritises his mother over his wife.

You’ve misunderstood me.

I'm shocked that some mums are being told they’re secondary.

they are both mums. There should be no hierarchy.