to go mental at school mum?

[Whattadopikachu]

My primary age daughter has a friend at school, her mother clearly doesn’t like me. Hasn’t since they started. She also doesn’t like my daughter.

Today my daughter comes out of school in a fit of tears, traumatised, saying “XXX told me her mum is saying that you and daddy don’t love me and don’t feed me anything”

What do I do with this? This kind of accusation has clearly come from an adult and isn’t just “kids being kids”.

What kind of mother says this to their young child about their friend?!? But also this is an extremely serious allegation and must be nipped in the bud. My instinct is to message her and just lay it all out and I’m trying very hard to remain composed.

How would you handle this?

💯

That comment was absolutely bonkers!

This is all nonsense. Children make up stuff all the time. They tell each other stupid things and say unkind stuff when they’re angry or want to get a reaction. Maybe the mum has said something similar. Who cares. If she has she is a gossipy old wind bag who should not be given any time or energy.
This incident is upsetting in the moment for your child but, dealt with correctly, will have been forgotten in a week and is not even close to being ‘traumatising’.
Have a sensible conversation with your daughter about this being a load of very silly nonsense. She knows that she is loved, safe and cared for and that is all that matters. This other, silly girl is to be ignored. Anything else like that can be reported to her teacher but then ignored again.

Resilience is important yes, and the situation is a good teaching moment, but why should she have to hear nasty remarks from mean middle aged women?

OP, the last part of your sentence undermines what you claim to understand in the first half.

Are you sure you do not have ASD? As my ASD ex reasoned in exactly the same way. Seriously, exactly like this. He was not diagnosed till middle age.

People will say things - you need to help her know how to understand these comments and how to react to them. Especially if she is literally minded.

The world will not bend to meet her. She needs to learn how to cope in the world.

In fact, if you have ASD too OP, it might help to explain your over-reaction to this incident.

Don't get involved in petty school squabbles.

Yes, pretty certain I also have ASD.

I just don’t think we should tolerate nasty comments. The world may not bend to suit her but that doesn’t mean you bend over and let people say whatever they like without consequence.

I would take this to the school. And request they investigate it. Eithe the child is making stuff up to bully your daughter or the parent is.

Talk to their teacher.

Do not speak to this parent, you will make it worse

Go straight to school , its a serious matter they should deal with

I think OP has a weird thing about people's ages. Insecurity? Or thinking she's somehow better because she's '10 years younger' than the 'middle aged' mums?

@Whattadopikachu there's a mix of parent ages at my son's school, some in their 20s, some in their 30s, some in their 40s, and I can assure you no-one 'goes mental' at each other.

Eh?
At no point did I say or imply in the slightest that I’m better because I’m younger. I stated I was a good 10 years younger then the rest of the mums to explain I am not part of their established friendship groups.

I think perhaps you are projecting some insecurity there.

Sorry to hear you and your DD are experiencing this OP. My daughter and I had a similar experience with a group of really cliquey mums at around the same age. I could never understand quite why they felt the need to be unkind and excluding.

It sounds like you and your DD have a great relationship and this mum isn’t worthy of your headspace. That said, if it’s persistently happening then raising it with school in a ‘confused’ as opposed to angry or accusatory way might get her to stop.

As an aside, we moved DD to a non feeder secondary where she had a completely fresh start and met her own tribe. The parents are much less involved once you get past primary so hang in there!

Agree with this!

I saw this once.

It was grim. 2 mums bashing each other in the playground. The Head was on them instantly (must have been on playground duty), grabbed one in each arm and marched them out of the gate shouting "Not here, ladies!"

It was all very Eastenders and didn't make me think anything positive about the mums involved.

I'd put money on you being ASD too, I thought it when I read your previous posts, you have very rigid thinking about this,

Your sense of injustice is out of proportion to the "crime"

the fact your angry at the mum for whatever reason Is clearly hugely swaying what your saying, that's clear to see

Confront her if you like, or use that hyperfocus to teach your child ways to regulate herself when she feels big emotions because of stupid words,

This won't be the first or last time a child says somthing to upset your daughter, kids love getting reactions from other kids, it makes them feel powerful,

Speaking to the school would be your best bet

But the more you write it's evident you clearly have more of an issue with the actual mum and seem to want a row with her? What's happened with your daughter seems like a perfect excuse for you to "go mental"

Have you not got a partner or parent to talk some sense into you?

Going against the curve here but my child was having some trouble with a child at school and hurtful comments / friendship issues but all very clearly between children. School were dealing. I said nothing unpleasant about the other child/family to my child - I was conciliatory and encouraged kindness with tolerance alongside good boundaries as I would hope all parents do while their kids are learning how to navigate relationships.

When my child came home and started reporting comments that were quite clearly via the adult (think tone, language, sentence structure) and being repeated to my child I did indeed call the adult out on it - in person.

I don’t regret it. It resolved the issue. In fact I have never seen someone look so flustered!

I do have a partner - also very likely ASD and also in agreement it needs to stop!

I work in schools as non teaching staff and have also seen this. It is absolutely grim and makes the parents look like utter scum tbh. I have also seen teachers having to step in and separate them. It is not as funny as it sounds tbh. Teachers should not have to be dealing with these people on top of everything they do for the children. Just pick up your child and fuck off. If you have an actual issue, tell the school instead of acting like you're on desperate housewives.

Calm down until the logical part of your brain takes over and think it through rationally before approaching her.

Honestly both you and your child sound very dramatic. This is exactly the type of thing I can imagine girls saying to each other, perhaps whilst inspecting/comparing what they have in their lunchboxes/snacks. I’m not sure why this would result in your child being reduced to a fit of tears either way?
Surely just a lesson in resilience for your DD (and maybe for you!?)

My DS once came home saying to me "X said her mum doesn't like you." Maybe this woman did say that, in which case I don't much care about the opinion of a woman who bad mouths others to her kids. Or she said something else and it's got lost in 7 year old translation. In either case, it's not worth me getting upset about.

You're response - to your daughter - is either "how did that make you feel?" Or "that's a bit of a silly thing for friend to say, isn't it?" You model not letting stuff like that take up space in your head.

If it's a repeat thing, I'd speak to the teacher. Otherwise, let it go.

It also really scared the children....well some of them took out their phones and filmed it, but for the less bold ones, they honestly felt threatened and it was not just the children of the parents in question, but all the kids who had to see it. I just cannot with this sort of behaviour. Sort your fucking lives out.

It sounds as if op has realised her initial reaction to "go mental" is not ok so good for her.

I would tell my DD that X is talking rubbish things and brush it off. Change the subject and move on.
The problem is there’s nothing you can do to stop people making comments or not liking you.
Speak to the school if you want to but there is nothing they can do. They can’t tell parents to not dislike other parents nor bad mouth them.

I’ve worked with children for 3 decades and would predict it’s something along these lines

DDs friend (DDF) “mum can I have X to eat” X being something unhealthy.

DDF mum “no”

DDF “well DDs mum lets her her” (which may or may not even be true)

DDF mum “well your not because it’s unhealthy and I don’t want ……” <insert consequence - eg rotten teeth”

DDF “my mum says your mum doesn’t care about you and lets you eat rubbish”

kids manage to do the semantic hurdles and gymnastics Olympics over the most inane and simple conversations!

What a lot of drama over nothing. I think you and your DD need to toughen up a bit. Wait until she’s a teenager … the insults get a hell of a lot more hurtful then. Are you going to run to the school every time another pupil says something which your kid finds upsetting? No wonder teachers are leaving the profession in droves.