to go mental at school mum?

[Whattadopikachu]

My primary age daughter has a friend at school, her mother clearly doesn’t like me. Hasn’t since they started. She also doesn’t like my daughter.

Today my daughter comes out of school in a fit of tears, traumatised, saying “XXX told me her mum is saying that you and daddy don’t love me and don’t feed me anything”

What do I do with this? This kind of accusation has clearly come from an adult and isn’t just “kids being kids”.

What kind of mother says this to their young child about their friend?!? But also this is an extremely serious allegation and must be nipped in the bud. My instinct is to message her and just lay it all out and I’m trying very hard to remain composed.

How would you handle this?

The only sensible approach is to go to the school with the clear facts that are unequivocal (and not ones that you KNOW)

which is that another girl made a comment to your daughter that she has taken to heart and can they keep an eye on the situation.

if she is struggling with things like this and is sensitive to comments maybe check whether the school offer any form of ELSA programmes which will give your daughter an opportunity to speak to a trained teaching assistant about this and how best to handle the drama - it also means she will talk freely about the girl and the school will be completely informed

because as a mum of a very near 17 year old the drama does not get any easier and she needs to be able to cope as much as possible

and that is it you do not engage with the other parent at all because all that will happen is you will be seen as unhinged

Hi Op. I'm not at all surprised that your knee jerk reaction is to want to "go mental" at this horrid mom. Sometimes certain people can really make us a certain way and when you feel like they dislike you and then you hear something like this from your child, of course you are going to be rattled. When you mention the ages of the other parents, I don't think you mean any offence, it's more that you are thinking of potential reasons why she wouldn't like you and being a different age demographic you feel might be one reason. What you need to think about now is how to put her in her place without confrontation. After all, you can't definitely say for sure exactly what she said or how it was retold. If it were me Id go to the teacher with just the facts about what has happened. Avoid anything about what you feel about the child's mother etc. Just say my child came out upset and said so and so said this. This isn't the first time she's been upset by something this child has said and naturally I'm upset that such a horrible thing has supposedly been said about our family. Can I leave it with you to talk to talk to the girls etc?..that way you'll have kept your dignity and the teacher will talk to the girl and perhaps the parent about it.

🙈 but that's not what your saying your not saying you want to go I to school and make sure it stops, your saying you want to go mental st the mum.plus you knew she never liked you plus your sure it's coming from her 🙈

You just need to grow up

I am so surprised at some of these responses. I would be furious if another mother had been so careless with her comments that they have resulted in my daughter being told I don’t love her.
I would approach her direct, and let her politely know that her daughter has misunderstood a comment she has made and said this to your child. If she is a decent person she will be mortified and apologize. I’d also make sure the teacher was aware.
I think this borders on bullying (of you actually) and I wouldn’t keep quiet about it but I wouldn’t be confrontational. I’d clearly let her know that you know something was said, and subtly suggest she reconsider how she speaks with and in front of her daughter.

I'd speak to the teacher first, maybe they can have a word with the other mother. If school refuse to do anything or what they do doesn't have effect then I'd have words with her myself but without going mental as it really won't help anyone and depending on what you mean my going mental it could land you into trouble.

OP if you have ASD then I have ASD too as this is something I would absolutely go mental at, why should she get away with it? Shes maybe 10 years older but it seems as though she still needs to grow up, Who the hell would say that too their child about another child?

I’ve explained multiple times, “go mental” was for dramatic effect

I’ve discussed multiple options - reaching out to the mum and asking her to stop, talking to the school.

Please read my replies before commenting 😊

Is your dd happy and aware that you love her? Is she well fed? If yes then why on earth do you give care what some child has said in the playground. Even if the mother hates you or the safeguarding team heard this and chose to check in with your dd if everything is ok then it won't be a problem.

You are assuming an awful lot about the parents with no grounds or proof.

Some kids can be extremely nasty.

I dont think life is quite as simple as that.

You see I just wouldn’t waste a moments thought on this. It’s obviously rubbish and no one who knows you will believe it’s true. Of course you love her, of course you feed her. It’s silly it’s not worth getting in a tizz over.

My child hassles me for a phone. I say no. They say ‘But Harry has one’. I say ‘well I’m your parent and I’m saying no. Because I love you and don’t think you are ready for a phone yet’. Then they say shit stirring stuff like ‘so are you saying Harry’s Mum doesn’t love him? It’s just kid’s BS. Seriously brush it aside and give this woman a wide birth. It’s either a misunderstanding among kids or the mother is a twat. Neither you can do much about.

OP, I think going to the school is the right approach. Your child is being upset by things that the other child has said, so they can follow up on that and what’s behind it as well as setting expectations about how it’s not kind to say things like this.

Oh and it will piss off horrible mum way more than a direct message would too as a cherry on top!

I think you're getting a hard time, mumsnet can be brutal! It can't have been nice to hear your daughter say this to you. I would try to chill about it though. I found that a few mums who didn't seem to like me much at the start have warmed up over the years (by year 6!). Unfortunately some people will just take against you for no apparent reason at all. Best to ignore/stay out of their way. You honestly have no idea what is going on in that family but if the mum/ daughter are saying these things they can't be very happy. Perhaps the friend is a bit overweight and was asking her mum why she isn't slim like your daughter? Perhaps the mum felt insecure or wanted to make her feel better so she joked that your daughter is only slim because her parents don't feed her?

I think I would hold off writing to mum or reporting anything for now. Try to explain to your daughter that sometimes people aren't nice and it's usually because they are very unhappy/jealous/insecure and it's best just to ignore them. Encourage your daughter to play with other children (with friendly mums) and have playdates if you can. Good luck!

But there can’t be any ‘consequence’ this is a silly comment from a young child. School will have a chat with the child about being kind etc etc. There is nothing you can do about the parent without making yourself look a bit crazy. You have got to help your daughter put this into proportion and move on.

If it is regular that the other child upsets your child, then I would speak to the school but as a one-off I honestly think teachers have enough to do and this is just petty

My mother would have said, "You know we love you and that we feed you, so just ignore it." And that would have been the end of it.

To me it sounds like something an adult definitely wouldn't say and something a child would definitely make up.

Children often say their parents/grandparents/older siblings have said something because they think it gives it more weight and makes it "true".

Because the school has all the time in the world to get involved in a spat between two parents!

This isn't just between the two parents though is it? It's a pattern of one child making repeatedly hurtful comments to the other which is bullying behaviour and should be nipped in the bud as part of the schools behavioral management policy.

However, thats a comment that’s clearly been made by an adult.

When Jay Slater went missing in Spain, my sister and I were discussing the situation and neither of us were aware my little nephew could hear us. When he went to school that Monday, he announced to the whole class that their classmate Jay (who coincidentally was off sick) had died in the Spanish mountains after doing drugs (not what we said but how he interpreted it); when the teacher pulled him up on it he told her it was true as he heard mummy and Auntie E talking about it over the weekend.

So yeah, may have come from an adult but easily misinterpreted!

Sorry about the silly comments from weirdly negative people. I understand why you’d be upset. People who take against you for no reason and who have something to do with your family can be poisonous. I have one (a mum with a chip on her shoulder and who decided I was the devil incarnate) and she has made my experience with the school more negative. She’s a bully. I would speak to the school and stress how your daughter is affected. Also maybe mention it to some other mums if you trust them. They may have had similar experiences.

I’m not going to go into what happened to my primary aged dd this week but some other parents in our shoes would have taken direct action I am sure. And as much as I could understand the justification for it, it would have been the wrong thing to do and made things worse.

we instead wrote to the school, explained what we had been told had happened and quoted policy (serious safeguarding issue). Within 12 hours )literally overnight) the head got in touch explained what they were going to do and at the end of the school day spent time with us explaining the outcomes.

whilst I am still furious at the situation, going directly to the parents in my heightened emotional state of rage would not have ended well. As it stands I’m not best pleased but the school has generally handled it well.

I had hoped the parents would be decent enough to apologise directly and be somewhat humble and contrite about what had happened. But I fear they believe that it was just playground banter.

i would suggest you speak initially to the class teacher and explain what has happened and how your child feels - as it happened on school property they should be given the opportunity to deal with it, but make sure you have the bullying policy to hand and make them follow it or at least tell you what they will do.

Bullying at any age in unacceptable and whilst I believe children of this age are not intrinsically bad, they are heavily influenced by their adults and don’t really understand that actions have consequences. It needs to be noted by the school because it maybe a wider pattern of behaviour for that child. But remember children make mistakes and they can certainly learn at this age. Don’t lay your relationship with the adult on the school relationship between the children (hard I know but they are different).

What exactly are you planning on saying to the mother? How do you think it will help?

You are being totally ridiculous getting involved in something your dd's friend allegedly said that her mother allegedly said. What would you think if someone turned up at your door complaining of something they 'knew' you had said in private to your daughter? You asked how others would handle it. I would say to my daughter 'that's not a very nice thing to say - what were you talking about?' and proceed to try to find out the context of the comment and what happened. My guess would be that his 'friend' might not be as good a friend as your daughter thinks she is and I would keep an eye out for low level bullying. If your daughter is autistic I would explain to her that sometimes people can be mean and that sometimes people who say they are our friends are not our friends. She will need help navigating the situation and that should be your focus, not trying to 'tell off' or control the girl's mother which will make no difference whatsoever and just add more fuel to the fire.

When I was younger a girl who I thought I was good friends with invited everyone but me to her birthday party and said my mother said your mother is weird and so are you. I told mine so she phoned her, stumbled over her words and made excuses saying she thought I had been invited and would I like to go, mother said nope she doesn’t want to go. I was gutted at the time but respect her for saying that to the girls mother now