to go mental at school mum?

[Whattadopikachu]

My primary age daughter has a friend at school, her mother clearly doesn’t like me. Hasn’t since they started. She also doesn’t like my daughter.

Today my daughter comes out of school in a fit of tears, traumatised, saying “XXX told me her mum is saying that you and daddy don’t love me and don’t feed me anything”

What do I do with this? This kind of accusation has clearly come from an adult and isn’t just “kids being kids”.

What kind of mother says this to their young child about their friend?!? But also this is an extremely serious allegation and must be nipped in the bud. My instinct is to message her and just lay it all out and I’m trying very hard to remain composed.

How would you handle this?

@Whattadopikachu you coming back?

My 1st thought. I said something vile to my child a while ago “At least your Mum hasn’t lost custody of you.” Because a child (whose Mum lost custody) was being really cruel to my child. It was awful and uncalled for and I apologised to my own child for saying it and hoped they didn’t repeat it to the child in question. However, it was 100% true and mentioning food is weird so must be some reason like the OP’s daughter claiming not being fed etc.

Is her friend is short & squat? If so, I suspect it to be the case that the mother is saying it to 'justify' to her daughter why your daughter is slim whilst she is not, i.e. to reframe it as "a bad thing."

Body type is just genetics. My type is ecto-meso. Ecto is naturally willowy. Meso is naturally athletic. So I have a tall slim frame yet am surprisingly strong. I also easily put muscle on with very little effort. But to become overweight I have to literally stuff my face with piles of junkfood every day for months - I did this during lockdown! Thankfully I also lose it easily. So I've done alright in the genetic lottery - tho I do prefer an hourglass figure. Despite considering that to be the ideal of beauty, I don't resent women who have it, I admire them (tho not in a sapphic way!).

However there are people who do massively resent others for their body type. These are the people who will make bitchy remarks to your face & tell outright lies behind your back to 'justify' the difference between your body type & their own, as if you're in some kind of competition you didn't sign up for.

I've copped hate & bitchy remarks for being my type all my life, as well as hearing lies that have been circulated as to the 'reason'. One alleged 'friend' spread a similar-ish lie to the one you're dealing with around my school that I was bulimic & spent every break throwing up. It was absolute nonsense. I received the exact same accusation (framed as 'concern') at one job due to going to the bathroom to wash my hands after eating lunch every day. They wouldn't even hear that it was because my sandwich of choice left mayonnaise on my fingers. Nor that I wasn't even in the washroom long enough to chuck up. No, I must be bulimic because they say so!

Just a lie to make them feel better about themselves with zero concern as to how such lies or bitchiness affects you.

I'm getting it again now as I've moved next door to a size 24 woman. She makes a point of making nasty remarks about my weight & dietary choices every chance she gets - meanwhile I've never once mentioned hers. Instead I've helped her with any & every favour she's asked. No more. This Spring she will discover I've had enough of her nastiness.

So I strongly suspect your daughter may have just had her first indirect taste of one of the sad people out there who resent slim people for the terrible crime of being slim - I'm referring to the mother, not the child there. Likely the mother is resentful of her own endomorphic genetics & is passing on the 'coping mechanism' she uses to deal with her distress over the existence of slim people. That is also the likely reason 'mum' shows irrational dislike towards you despite your respective children being friends.

Oh come on OP, this is exactly the kind of crazy thing 8-year-olds say, and hardly something likely to come from an adult woman unless there is something very wrong with her.

A first reaction to go mental about something is unnecessarily aggressive. First you find out what has really been said, approach calmly, find out the facts. Shouting and being angry will just make you look stupid and unhinged.

The school staff are unable to police what the mother says at home. The school can deal with things that the friend says to your daughter. You need to tell your daughter to tell school staff when this child says something upsetting to her. (when it happens not days later)

Obviously dont know ages of the children but I would tell your daughter not to let it bother her as its not true and she knows you love her and feed her. If it happens again let the school know that the other child/ her parents are saying unkind things to/ about your family and affecting your daughter.

Some kids can be wee witches to get a reaction at a young age.. I know my daughter had a unkind "friend" at 8 yrs and again at 10yrs he denied it to teachers but other classmates who witnessed it stood up for my daughter.

Knowing how easy a child can take a simple comment the wrong way yes Is say YTAH to assume it's the parents who have the issue. I remember a nice of mine saying something similar to a friend because she had asked why she was a little bit fatter than her friend and her mum not wanting to upset her had just joked "Maybe they don't feed her". She took it literally then spent a week trying to give her extra food until they realised what had happened thankfully her mum didn't jump to conclusions. So unless you have physically heard what they said then YTAH. Maybe ask the school to look into what is been said and get them to check why the child is saying it. It could be something or nothing.

It's happened at the school I work in and the police were called.

Op, you are making yourself sound like the kind of person who would have a go at someone for giving them " dirty looks"
Just let it lie.

I understand you are angree and hurt by the comments of that woman - through her child. Loving and feeding our children is what all of us think of as the first duty of a parent. I would be fuming too! But maybe you could try and turn this whole thing around? Sit your daughter down and talk with her about food, good food, the right food, healthy food. If you have the time for it maybe cook together? That way you give her "weapons" to defend herself against the nasty remarks of her socalled friend?

I think it’s most likely that the other child asked her mum for sweets or crisps. When mum says no, child says ‘But DD’s mum lets her have xyz in her lunch’. Evil mum then responds along the lines of ‘We love you & want you to have a healthy diet, it’s up to OP if she lets her DD eat junk food.’

This has then been repeated as ‘your parents don’t love you enough to give you healthy food’.

Possibly either evil mum or her child said it in a mean way, but you will look bat-shit crazy if you try to take it up with either the school or the mum.

Really. You would punch this person.

I call bs.

"Evil mum". That's a bit of a stretch

With the only way parents like that understand

tell your daughter to say

"of course my mum loves me" "of course my dad loves me" don't be so silly""of course my mum loves me" "of course my dad loves me" don't be so silly""of course my mum loves me" "of course my dad loves me" don't be so silly""of course my mum loves me" "of course my dad loves me" don't be so silly""of course my mum loves me" "of course my dad loves me" don't be so silly""of course my mum loves me" "of course my dad loves me" don't be so silly"

repeat as often as needed and turn and walk off

practice an eye roll with her for the end

no more needs to be said

other than the child is clearly very silly to say such things

Is the other child chubby? Was the mum deflecting? Perhaps she uses food to express her love - maybe she is a feeder?
Honestly I'd just say to my child that "some people express their love via food but we express it thought cuddles, kisses and snuggles" (or whatever you do as a family together - films, baking, reading together etc). I'd make it clear this is "something the other mother can't possibility see, so she doesn't see how much we love you".
As much as you might want to have a word with every person who upsets your child, you can't. Not least because you never know if what is being relayed is what was actually said.

Deal with your daughters feelings and then mentally throw darts at this woman every-time you see her :-)

Op, i trust you get the dynamic to know this mum has been bitchy. BUT asd can sometimes come with an acute sense of justice. It can feel right to want to confront this mun. But to what end?

Id question 1) what are you hoping to get out of saying something? and 2) realistically she will just deny.

20 years ago? My children are still children, so who is making up scenarios here?
Humble bragging because I was insulted by a random woman 🤣 this place is wild sometimes.

So do I, I think this PP is winding up the OP. Not a good idea when she is already very wound up.

Just let it go, OP. It really is a non issue.

Sounds to me like you don’t like the mother! Or her daughter

Going mental at anyone is never a reasonable way to deal with an issue. Calm down and act like an adult.

Have a chat with teacher first

Of course. The child must be squat and short just because you have a perfect body type.

The child is 8 years old! No child at that age should be shamed over their size - and that goes both ways

What a ridiculous word salad based on nothing at all apart from your own boasts about being slender

Most people don’t throw around terms like “traumatised” for “dramatic effect” unfortunately even in those circumstances!

When you’re angry and upset, that is the opportune time to check yourself and your behaviour to make sure you’re handling yourself properly. It’s not a free pass to exaggerate for dramatic effect. That’s not what well-adjusted people do.

Tell your daughter to tell the teacher

every time