to go mental at school mum?

[Whattadopikachu]

My primary age daughter has a friend at school, her mother clearly doesn’t like me. Hasn’t since they started. She also doesn’t like my daughter.

Today my daughter comes out of school in a fit of tears, traumatised, saying “XXX told me her mum is saying that you and daddy don’t love me and don’t feed me anything”

What do I do with this? This kind of accusation has clearly come from an adult and isn’t just “kids being kids”.

What kind of mother says this to their young child about their friend?!? But also this is an extremely serious allegation and must be nipped in the bud. My instinct is to message her and just lay it all out and I’m trying very hard to remain composed.

How would you handle this?

Even if it is the other mum being a complete psychopath, surely you don't recommend confronting her? Avoid her surely? I have met the odd absolute twat irl and I make sure I have nothing to do with them. I do not seek them out to "go mental" at them.

Well not confronting in an aggressive way, no

Unless you were you can’t possibly know. You clearly dislike this other mother. That still doesn’t mean she actually said this.

"This has not clearly been said by an adult"

Well there's one, and ok maybe the rest insinuate that it wasn't an adult rather than outright saying it, i'll have to go through the comments

I would not give a toss what the Mother thought of me. However if her dislike was affecting my child I would have something to say. Don't go mental be smart. Hope your child now feels a bit better.

I would go through the school. If the child had got it wrong, that will come out and no harm done. But if it turns out that the mother HAD said it then the school will deal with her and you dont have to directly. It will help too if she does something similar again, because you will have proof that you reported it to the school rather than it being her word against yours.

Yes there has to be more context. I actually do believe the parents may have said something in earshot of their daughter and this was unfortunately repeated to your daughter. Most parents are used to chatting away while their young child is in the room and not realising that they're now old enough to eavesdrop and remember things quite clearly.

In the bigger picture, it's really not the worst thing that a couple would be gossiping about. Certainly nothing worth "going mental" for. It's not like they actually made unforgivable remarks about your physical appearance, job, intelligence or relationship. Parents are humans and they gossip. Married couples say stuff that they may not be proud of repeating to others but where else would they air their feelings if not behind closed doors?

I'm guessing the back story might have been something as trivial as your daughter not having the right sort of food in their lunch box, or maybe she was always hungry when she went to their house or maybe she said something herself about not having enough food at home. Maybe she's also unusually skinny for her age. Or maybe their daughter told them something that they've drawn conclusions about.

For instance there's a family at our school who are very proud of being frugal and you see that when you go over to their home (only the cheapest supermarket budget brands, things get used up even if past the use by date, dishes made with the least amount of ingredients required etc). The kids look a tiny bit malnourished and I sometimes do wonder if the need to save money for the parents is overriding the fact that children somethings deserves good, hearty and filling food as well. I would never go as far to say they don't love their kids, but the odd thought about not feeding their kids has crossed my mind.

I would speak to the school about what was said rather than directly to the mother. You don’t know what was lost in translation. Or if nothing was lost in translation and this really was said, she wouldn’t be someone I’d want to have any contact with!

For me "going mental at her" means confronting in an aggressive way. How else can that be read?

I do not think there's absolutely no way it was the mum. I think it's possible but unlikely because weirdos who say that sort of thing are rare. But even if she did say that and even if she secretly detests op and her child, I still wouldn't go looking for a fight in the playground. Because I'm not spoiling for a fight in front of my kids. Good god.

I don’t think anyone is saying that some people aren’t twats. However my eldest once loudly and proudly announced that ‘mammy doesn’t believe in charity’. What had actually happened, was I had agreed with a friend that she and her family shouldn’t have had to rely on charity to support her terminally ill child. A similar situation feels equally likely here.

Theres nothing you cam do without looking like a maniac yourself.

Why was your dd upset and traumatised? Surely her reposnse should have been to tell her friend she being silly.

You need to stop caring about a complete and utter stranger just because your kids go to the same school. You clearly don't even care about the kids, you feel slighted or insulted by this woman and are continuing a vendetta against her. Which is what you're accusing her of doing? For what ends?

Do you work?

Ar 7/8 yo I used to regularly tell.people I must be right because my mum said so, and as a teacher, she knows everything. That's as far away from anyhting my mum ever said as it's possible to get.

Why do you think your DD was so upset? She clearly knows this is not true.

Mine used to come home with the wildest tales from primary school...

Is your last name Geller?

Go through teacher. Always.

You dont know it's her tbh

I'm slightly surprised your daughter was traumatised by this. Presumably she knows you love her and feed her.

I didn't suggest going mental at her. I said I would confront, or ask her, but not in an aggressive way. Are you confusing me with the OP?

Never too early to teach your child that violence is the answer to solving problems.

I get that happens. But I do also believe some adults, unfortunately, would say stuff like this to their child!

To clear things up,

I’d like to explain that the phrase “go mental” was for dramatic effect and I wouldn’t ever be threatening. More just message her and tell her to stop.

I don’t get involved in playground drama, I keep myself to myself, have a couple of school mum friends but generally it’s a get them in, get them out situation.

A lot of the school mums are very cliquey. I’m a good 10 years younger then the vast majority so with differing interests etc was never going to mesh into the very well established friendship groups.

This particular Mum simply doesn’t like me for whatever reason, we’ve maybe had two conversations in total, and she doesn’t like my daughter. I have PERSONALLY overheard her make comments such as “don’t sit next to XXX, sit over here”.

There are other things and I could go on.

I don’t understand why people are confused why this is upsetting? There’s never been any question about my parenting, no eating disorders etc. but my daughter was really hurt by this, it isn’t the first time that her friend has relayed a comment from her mother that I KNOW has come from her mother as it related to something only an adult would know about our family.

@Whattadopikachu

why would your daughter be “traumatised”?

This takes me back many years. I was just getting into my car after dropping my Y6 DD off at school when a mother who I knew vaguely from the same year group came storming up to me and started yelling at me that my daughter was a little shit and had been bullying her DD. My daughter had been telling the girl that her parents were getting divorced and generally leaving her out. She was sick of having an upset child and I needed to sort it out. I was actually pretty scared, I thought she was going to punch me. I was also mortified because never say never about what your own child might be capable of. It was also mortifying because she drew quite a large crowd :(.

Spoke to my child in the evening and quickly established it was another child of the same name in the year. I had a discreet word with the teacher about it and left it at that.

I’ve got to say, I enjoyed her climb down. I don’t blame her being upset but I bet she wished she’d established the facts first because it really didn’t help her or her daughter at all as not only was it not my DD but it was a misunderstanding of what was actually said by the other child from what I remember.

1. At 8 years old your DD should know that you and her dad love her and you obviously do feed her, don't you? So her reaction seems extreme.

1. You are taking your DD's word that the other child said this.

1. You are taking the other child's word that her mother said it.

There are so many steps in the chain where this could have been misheard. Any challenge you make to the mother should assume this is just a silly misunderstanding.