to go mental at school mum?

[Whattadopikachu]

My primary age daughter has a friend at school, her mother clearly doesn’t like me. Hasn’t since they started. She also doesn’t like my daughter.

Today my daughter comes out of school in a fit of tears, traumatised, saying “XXX told me her mum is saying that you and daddy don’t love me and don’t feed me anything”

What do I do with this? This kind of accusation has clearly come from an adult and isn’t just “kids being kids”.

What kind of mother says this to their young child about their friend?!? But also this is an extremely serious allegation and must be nipped in the bud. My instinct is to message her and just lay it all out and I’m trying very hard to remain composed.

How would you handle this?

No reasonable adult should be "going mental at" anybody.

A troubled violent person? If only it was just one? And it wasn't just me. There were loads of kids certain people targeted.

Didn't do me any harm? Really. That's funny. I was bullied to within an inch of my life for months at primary school. Told teachers who did nothing and only plucked up the courage to tell my mum who was a teacher herself after the girl threatened to push me in the deep end of the swimming pool and drown me at school swimming lessons

My lack of empathy? Right you are then.

And despite all of that, you are suggesting that the childs reaction is OTT.

So yes, lacking empathy. Which is surprising given your history.

The teacher will be limited in what they can do if they didn't hear the comment concerned. I think that's pretty evident. It's one child's word against another's. Something that I'm surprised more people didn't pick up on.

I didn't post on here to be psycho analysed by a complete stranger regarding my lack of empathy or otherwise.

Hth

Right you are then.

Why on earth would you start a thread like this then use words for dramatic effect, traumatised, going mental etc, You’re either asking a serious question or you’re revelling in the drama.

you clearly dislike this woman and I suggest you grow up. Handle it maturely not like some mean girl in the playground. If you believe the woman said this then speak to her, and say look I know this is unlikely, how do we deal with it together, but this is what’s been said, and x told my daughter you said it. Because let’s face it she didn’t march up to your daughter and say it,

it’s also a very childish thing to say, so I’d doubt it was the mother. More kids being kids,

so again, grow up, stop revelling in the drama, this is your child, it’s not about you and your immature dislike of the mother,

As Dd is 8, I wonder if maybe some discussions around how it’s ok to respectfully challenge lies - ‘I am loved, I am fed, so where did you hear that lie?’ - might be worth considering?

I’d also perhaps encourage your child to pursue other friendships…. she doesn’t have to fall out with this girl but maybe not be bffs.

Id also perhaps mention to a teacher - ‘dd’s friend has allegedly said this, no need for action but making you aware and can you let me know if anything else come to light’ you don’t have to go into things driven by the friend’s mum - your focus should be on your child and how they are able to respond to such conversations.

Are you quite attractive, and the other mum not so much? Maybe much slimmer, younger, prettier? I've seen women be VILE when they feel jealous by some poor innocent lady whose crime is being attractive.

I’ve seen that, but to be honest it could be the other way around, the other mum is the attractive one. The op clearly can’t stand her,

If none of what has been said is even remotely true, why do you care? You won’t change what she says or thinks about you, you’ll give her fuel to say more.

Personally I’d be asking DD if she feels loved by mummy & daddy? And I’d be talking about all the safe, fun and loving things you do together so she feels loved and remembers she’s loved. The tears are because she’s taken what’s been said as fact and it’s upset her - totally valid. And then I’d be asking her about breakfast and dinners you’ve had in the last week, then using this to ‘prove’ what was said was a lie. She’s going to go through life and people will say mean or untrue things & this is part of growing up unfortunately.
Id also mention to the teacher so they can monitor. Your daughter needs to learn (as part of growing up) that just because someone says something it doesn’t mean it’s true.

So because it is 2 females looks have to be involved?

I once got a very long message from a parent insinuating something similar - that my daughter had been saying similar things about her daughter. The daughter was a really fussy eater and apparently I had said to my daughter that she wasn’t fed properly. She had actually never liked me either.
I don’t doubt this parent had been told this by her own child. My child told me she said no such thing but as they were about 8 at the time and I wasn’t there it’s not a hill I would die on that she didn’t say it. The girls were frenemies and I had seen with my own eyes the other girl stirring things up and their class teacher told me that that child was jealous of mine.
I can tell you categorically I had said no such thing about the other parent.

Because they are talking about them being underfed (slim) and OP mentioned she is younger....and I personally remember being called a slut by a mum and being so confused. Turns out her DH thought I was attractive so that was it, I was forevermore the slutty villain without any input from me at all. I doubt she would've called an attractive male a slut but who knows?

Do people have jobs or hobbies to keep them occupied from school dramas?

I would absolutely raise this with the school. I would not directly go the other mum. Show that you are above this. She clearly isn't a reasonable person, you would be escalating and potentially causing more problems for your daughter. I would just say to the school that your daughter came home extremely upset about what was said, I would say that the message is deeply concerning and raises safe guarding issues that potentially you are concerned about where these rumours are being spread because there is an insinuation that you neglect your child and that not only is this damaging to you but also potentially making false rumours make it harder for potentially genuine victims. I wouldn't get angry but I would just say I want to nip this in the bud because it feels malicious.

Do school's have enough resources to handle every report 'teacher a child said their parent said you need to deal with it'

I am surprised that considering she came out in fits of tears and was traumatised it hasn't already been dealt with by a member of staff.
We get things like this all the time. Parents saying another child is bullying theirs. Yes some children are mean and unkind but generally it's tit for tat with both children being unkind to the other....yet still gravitating to each other when the advice is to stay away from the other!

I mean, there is absolutely no evidence at all for this, you’ve just made up a scenario in your head that apparently happened to you 20 years ago…..Humble brag?

OP is clearly spoiling for a fight with this women, and despite advice won’t be deterred. However, the likelihood is that she is going to make a fool of herself, and possibly make life difficult for her daughter.
Let it go OP.

she hasn’t made allegations, she (if she has) has said something stupid to her ow child, no sensible adult would take these comments seriously or act upon them. She hasn’t called social services on you.

You truly believe this mother actually told her child that you don’t love your child and don’t feed her?? I imagine it’s most likely the other child has made this up to be spiteful after a fallout at school eg.

You can’t assume the other mum definitely said these exact words! It’s far more likely she said nothing or something more general, which her daughter has then twisted round to use as a dig at your DD.

You sound insecure - which isn’t a criticism. Just put it out of your mind and concentrate on the mums that you get on with better. Also, stop comparing yourself. No-one cares if you’re 10 years younger. My school mums range from 20s to 50s and we all have our little groups that we chat to, which are nothing to do with age and all to do with whether we get on with them as a person.

Be very careful about not passing on your insecurities and worrying to your DD. Not just with regard to this but in general.

Learning to have the self confidence to let stupid comments go is not the same as "bending over" - its being mature and rising above the fray. It's not your job to give another adult "consequences" for her being an unpleasant person - I mostly find the world tends to penalise people like that anyway as over time it damages and infects all their relationships. Focus on your life and your relationships, not stupid comments. You confronting her is not going to make her think "oh, i'd better not say anything like that again".

Going mental is a bit much. Ever heard of ‘dignified silence’?

Can you take her though? Remember if you go ‘mental’ she’s allowed to defend herself, she might show you just how much she dislikes you and why.

You need to consider what you, and more importantly what your daughter would ‘gain’ from confronting this woman? The following is most likely:

• you will confront her, she will deny it. If you so much as raise your voice, you will make her the victim!
• your daughter will be known as the one with ‘that’ mum. This could impact her socially
• you risk ruining her friendship with the other child
• you get satisfaction from knowing you told her off
• you legitimise the rhetoric she’s likely been saying/thinking about you - that you don’t understand social norms and are an outsider

I can see absolutely no upside for your daughter. Minimal benefit to you and lots of downside. And if anything, you will only be strengthening the position she currently holds against you.

Direct conflict is very rarely beneficial.