to go mental at school mum?

[Whattadopikachu]

My primary age daughter has a friend at school, her mother clearly doesn’t like me. Hasn’t since they started. She also doesn’t like my daughter.

Today my daughter comes out of school in a fit of tears, traumatised, saying “XXX told me her mum is saying that you and daddy don’t love me and don’t feed me anything”

What do I do with this? This kind of accusation has clearly come from an adult and isn’t just “kids being kids”.

What kind of mother says this to their young child about their friend?!? But also this is an extremely serious allegation and must be nipped in the bud. My instinct is to message her and just lay it all out and I’m trying very hard to remain composed.

How would you handle this?

I dont think a single person has said that the child shouldn't be upset?

But several people have asked/ told the OP that her big emotional reaction to it / escalating it is making it worse and said to teach her daughter some resilience.

Being upset is a perfectly normal response, being "traumatised" is not. Being told your mum doesn't love you / doesn't feed shouldn't lead to a child being traumatised .... sounds like OP does need to work on teaching her child some resilience as she and her child have had an extreme emotional reaction over somthing so ridiculous

And if the OP's daughter is so sensitive that she believes another child over her own mum/ own reality then OP needs to work harder on showing her daughter that she's loved and well fed?

Traumatised was again, possibly my wording for dramatic affect. But it absolutely has upset my daughter, and multiple people have tried to claim she shouldn’t be.

Im not wishing to escalate anything.

Im just trying to stop a mother from saying hurtful things about our family to my daughters friend. Again, this isn’t the first time this has happened.

Have you made an appointment to see the teacher?

Do you need to assess if youre feeding DD enough?
If my DC were told that theyd just think it was strange as they have plenty of food... for it to have upset your daughter maybe she doesnt feel like she is getting enough to eat.

I'm just trying to stop a mother from saying hurtful things about our family to my daughters friend.

Well that's on a hiding to nothing.

As has been pointed out by many posters, you can't control other people's behaviour, especially not in their own homes. You can only control your reaction to it

By going in all guns blazing you are reinforcing your daughter's feeling that this is a terrible thing, and elevating to emotional response.

A more productive approach is pointing out it's a blatantly silly thing for the girl to say, and that it isn't worth spending time with people who say stupid untrue things.

Don't feed the drama. Life doesn't have to be lived like a cheap EastEnders pastiche.

@Whatamievenreqdingrn Well as Op has said above she meant upset.

I feel it was pretty obvious in the context she used the “traumatised” that she was really conveying her child was upset/worried over the comments.

She did use words like distressed and upset in subsequent posts.

The school really has very little to do with this if this narrative is being fed by the girls mother. Presumably it's being said at home and then repeated at school?

How can a teacher intervene to tell a parent not to say things to their daughter and stop an 8 year old from repeating them?

I'm not sure they can.

Former educator here - irrespective of where it came from a school must absolutely get involved if one child is saying such unpleasant nasty remarks to another child.

I mean realistically in this case the parent will most likely deny it came from her but that’s neither here nor there.

If her child did say those words it should be addressed by the teacher as something she shouldn’t be saying (regardless of where she heard it from).

It's not worth thinking about, in a few years you won't even remember this person. Find something else to keep you occupied.

I don't think your reaction is unreasonable, but I'd strongly suggest you reconsider approach.

If this b*tch is trying to paint you as negligent/abusive going straight for her is just going to play right into her hands.

I'd have a word with the school about your concerns over a child possibly being coached to make accusations, or transferring their own trauma onto another child which can happen.

I would speak to school and do as you have done and reassure your daughter. Text the mum with a matter of fact summary of events and ask if she can talk to her kid about why this would be an unkind thing to say.
Had similar with daughters friend. 10 Years on they are still friends but had similar issues with her mam over years but things are better now .

Using two different phrases that have made you look like you are wildly overreacting and then rowing back on both by claiming you were just using them for dramatic effect doesn't really fit with saying you don't want to escalate it.

You have used inflammatory language because you were really overreacting.

Mention it to the teacher calmly and see what the teacher thinks about whether there is any conflict between the girls in school that can be mediated but there's no need to be going in angry.

My DD16 is ASD and ADHD my partner is the same. They are both super sensitive. I would have laughed this off with DD and said how utterly ridiculous.
You know you are the most important person in my life and you eat really well, next time just tell your friend she (and my implication) her mother are being ridiculous.

I would have a quick chat with the teacher though weird if it was said.

@tealgrey did you want to actually ask me about me mental capacity or just wonder about it? You forgot to tag me see so it seems like you’d rather bitch about me to everyone else rather than ask me directly. But then that would be quite emotionally immature of you.

My child told another child that I didn’t like her or her mum. Never said such a thing. He told me later that night as he felt guilty. It was during an argument and he couldn’t think of anything else to say to hurt her and in the moment was convinced I had said as much. I was livid.

i did like the mum. We got on really well. My child was just being a dick. Kids can be dicks at times, they can also take something and twist it to suit. Be sure before going mental you have all the correct facts.

Unfortunately, you've appeared throughout as wanting to do something unacceptably confrontational like 'go mental at' the mother in question, simply because you think she doesn't like you. I'd be pretty scared to meet you at the school gates - you come across as aggressive and to be honest, quite unhinged.

My old neighbours kids said to my DD "at least my Daddy hasn't left me like yours has"
He was in hospital for months following a stroke and my DD (age 5) took that to mean he wasn't ever coming home
When he came home, the neighbours couldn't apologise enough for their assumption/gossiping and their kids comment
So I'd say Mum has made a comment and the kid has picked up on it

Completely agree with this!!! You seem to be convinced the other parents are judging you as you’re younger. I doubt they care, however you are acting a bit childish. Please chill out, even if the other mother did say this it’s life, not everyone is going to like you.

She used those words for dramatic affect and then backtracked once people said she WBU,

It wasn't obvious as the way she is writing everything is dramatic and emotional - how are we supposed to know which parts she's writing for affect and which parts she isn't?

And, once reading her posts on this thread, she doesn't actually say much about how her daughter is actually feeling about this, her main focus is this woman/her issue with her and

now it's gone from a child overheard it/repeated it to -

why should she have to hear nasty remarks from mean middle aged women? ( she's now telling herself / us that her child's heard nasty remarks from mean middle aged women )

It's clear that this is more about the issue she has with the woman than it actually is about her child being upset

So, without mentioning the mother

What are you going to do to stop another child from saying nasty things to your child?

I’d go with this.

Discuss it with the school first, see what they say. You could suggest they deal with this as bullying and follow their anti bullying policy.

Why on earth did you post this thread, OP? When you clearly only wanted to be told YANBU.

This is what I envisage:
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/uknews/video-2053708/Video-Mums-brawl-terrified-children-outside-primary-school.html