to go mental at school mum?

[Whattadopikachu]

My primary age daughter has a friend at school, her mother clearly doesn’t like me. Hasn’t since they started. She also doesn’t like my daughter.

Today my daughter comes out of school in a fit of tears, traumatised, saying “XXX told me her mum is saying that you and daddy don’t love me and don’t feed me anything”

What do I do with this? This kind of accusation has clearly come from an adult and isn’t just “kids being kids”.

What kind of mother says this to their young child about their friend?!? But also this is an extremely serious allegation and must be nipped in the bud. My instinct is to message her and just lay it all out and I’m trying very hard to remain composed.

How would you handle this?

Please just go in and explain your concerns to the school. The school can have both children in and why out what's actually happened and deal with it appropriately. There are three sides to every story. How both people perceived the incident and what actually happened, this is especially true in childhood where children are developmentally egocentric- by this I don't mean that what your child said wasn't accurate. What I mean is that very often the other child says it in reaction to something else. Sometimes as you say it can be straight up bullying. But that needs to be investigated. Teachers have the advantage in finding out what happened because they are not emotionally involved with either party. I'm not saying this hasn't happened to your child, and I'm not saying that she deserves it either. What I'm saying is that I have dealt with lots of situations when one child seemingly has done something horrible for no reason if you only heard their side of the story. When you start to talk to the other child there's actually a bit more to it, often something which has gone on longer. Starting playground wars is stressful to everybody and the kids will have got over it long before you will. If she's as unreasonable as you think she is, approaching her to have it out with her will have the opposite effect and then you will have really started something. Parent wars are almost always something which rumbles on throughout primary and more often than not end up with one or both parents getting a site ban.

In my experience as a teacher, children say all sorts of awful things to each other, many of those things they blame someone else for “my dad says you’re too fat”, “my friend doesn't like your shoes, she said they’re minging” etc
Most of the time, it’s the child actually saying it not the person they claim has said it. For that reason alone, I’d be very cautious of approaching the mother about his. She’s never going to admit it even if she did say it! Speak to the class teacher, they can sort it out.

Kids are brutal and say some wildly horrible things.. I'd pass the information onto the teacher as it's concerning in the sense that perhaps it's more so that the OTHER girl feels unloved and isn't fed.. perhaps she's just projecting her own home life's seeking a response from someone else to see if this is 'normal' or not. Either way I'd pay no attention personally but I'd pass it onto the staff at school for them to deal with it. If you know you look after your child as you should, then it's really nothing to get upset about. I'm sure the school is fully aware of the parents who don't look after the kids properly and those who do.

Why? What’s it got to to with the teacher?

The teacher can deal with speaking to both children and trying to find out what each has to say about it. Maybe there are ongoing issues.
This poster clearly doesn't like the other mum and is insistent this is what she has said, despite not being there. A teacher can be objective.
We have a parent who always insists another child is a bad influence on her child. Even when it's been explained that staff have seen her child doing something wrong (ripping up someone else's work for example) she always says it's because of the other child (even if they aren't there!). Some parents like to blame someone else rather than look at what might be going on with their own child.

@Whattadopikachu YANBU at all.

I can’t stand all this handwringing and pussyfooting about that other women do. Leave it to the school to sort? Don’t make me laugh. Let’s just smile and pretend everything’s hunk dory. Be Kind, what utter bollocks!

In your shoes, you should speak to the mother directly. Start by asking her why she thinks her daughter has started saying nasty things to your daughter. If she visibly looks uncomfortable, tell her that’s exactly how it’s making your daughter feel and you need it to stop. Be very clear with her that you expect her to deal with this rather than school. No need to get angry, just firm and direct.

My son was horribly bullied in his first and second year of secondary school. Mostly name calling, a bit of shoving and having his things thrown around. I spoke to the teachers who tried to deal with it but it carried on happening, usually out of the earshot of teachers. Finally, during the school holidays, DS told me who the main instigator was. Luckily, I knew his mum so I went round to speak to her. I explained what had been happening and how it had to stop now before it got out of hand and the police got involved. She was horrified and thanked me for letting her know and she dealt with it. They’re a good family and the older brother is particularly lovely. He looks after our cats when we go away on holiday. The bully kid apologised to DS at school and now they still share some classes but there’s no ongoing issues.

At work years ago, there was a bossy colleague who used to upset everyone by demanding people do things to suit her. I wasn’t going to be pushed around by her so I stood up to her. She was shocked as no-one had ever confronted her before. However, after that, she treated me like her best pal and never tried to impose anything on me again. She knew she’d met her match.

How did the conversation between the girls happen? Were they having an argument, just casual chat, some kind of oneupmanship that can be so common with kids (my dad is bigger than yours kind). Context matters.

Everything. There is clearly something going on between the two girls and unpleasant comments etc that the class teacher should be aware of and keep and eye on

managing classroom dynamics is absolutely something an effective engaged teacher should be doing and letting them aware of something like this means they can keep an eye on it

also something like ELSA for the OP DD could also be discussed

What is this ‘without consequence’ thing?
Firstly, you can’t even be sure of the accuracy of what was said.

Secondly, she is allowed not to like you in her own home. Sorry, she just is. It’s bloody stupid to bitch about people to her daughter, if she even did. but there we go. Some people are stupid.

You can only control yourself. This incident deserves no more than you thinking ‘twat’ about the woman and reassuring your daughter.

And what consequence do you think you can enact? All you are going to do is blow up negative consequences for you and your daughter.

If there is an issue of ongoing bullying, speak to the school. Schools don’t being together parents in situations like this for a reason.

I watched my H blow up various aspects of his life due to his ASD thinking. Please don’t do the same, and teach your daughter not to do the same too.

I have at least four friends who are more than ten years younger than me and a friend 20 years older.

Possibly. But you have no idea where the comment originated orcwho it was actually directed at. The other child may have just picked it up, and probably misunderstood it, and flung it at your kid as something to say - in your situation I would openly treat it as bizarre and possibly spiteful and encourage your dc to ignore (or say “that’s a weird thing to say”) and make other friends. But contacting the mum? You’ll look mad, frankly. You’re the adult in the room, model it.

What's the teacher got to do with this?

I would probably tell the teacher there has been a falling out between them and can they keep an eye out.

ignore it. she is trying to antagonise you and it’s working. she won’t get any pleasure knowing you aren’t bothered.

Don’t you see that you’re rightly upset about someone using unkind words and your response has been to use unkind words yourself? You’re no different to this other mum that you’re threatening to go “mental” at (and you’re currently only guessing that this other mum is responsible anyway). Your words and intentions appear to me to be a very immature way of dealing with this and sets an incredibly poor example for your child who is likely to be looking to you for comfort, reassurance (and possibly food).

There's an age thing for you. Whether that's because you are younger and have to "prove" yourself. But there's something that triggers you around age. Maybe that you think the dramatic event will seal you as credible in the playground? Whatever, I would not have that event happen because it would make me look daft as them. I would be taking the high road and using my skills to negotiate without a meltdown..

Ask the teacher to talk to both children. Then build your daughters awareness of how people can be nasty and show her all the good things she has, not the tit for tat behaviour.

I would write a note to the school safeguarding lead

A child in his or her class has potentially been bullying another child in the class. It's the teacher's job to deal with this situation.

I can see how that would be upsetting, but your only connection to this mum us through the school. So you need to go through the school

We had similar happen twice. First time I was good friends with the mum and I politely addressed it with her under heading on being sure was a misunderstanding but thought she should know, she was very apologetic and explained they were going through a tough time at home and got her daughter to write an apology card.

2nd time it was a known challenging mum, others were having same issue, so I addressed via the school. They moved the child to the other class and it stopped.

It is a moment though to try and explain to your daughter that we cannot control other people behaviour, we can only control how we respond to it. In this instance I think your daughters best response would be to laugh as though what her 'friend' has said is so ridiculous that it must be a silly joke, that she is giving it no headspace.

I know, I used to run in, throw my kids at the door, run out and go to work! On the days I could chat at homet me, it was lovely,

2 children through the school system, not one argument, not one disagreement, just memories and friends.

@Whattadopikachu Do you have nothing else going on in your life? Do you not work?

You're fuelling this drama!

Good God no, why would anyone maintain a dignified silence when they can make a drama out of nothing!

FFS - how have you all got this much time on your hands??

Safeguarding!! Have you actually ever done any safeguarding training? Have you?

I did 7 hours on it yesterday and this is not safeguarding!

Another bloody drama queen!

I feel you’ve had an unnecessarily hard time on here Op. It’s perfectly understandable and normal for an 8 year to be upset at being told their parents don’t love them. People sometimes throw around “resilience” as an excuse to minimise what a child is going through and deny/discourage what is avery normal emotional response to something negative. It’s actually okay for them to be upset about that especially if it’s the first time hearing that.

Yes, reassure your child you love them and explain that sometimes people say things to wind others up, but also the comments needs to be addressed.

As others have said go via the teacher, I used to work as a family support worker in schools and I literally had to break up fights in playgrounds - between parents! I’ve known parents who had to use different entrances to keep them apart and a friend of mine had a 2 year feud with a parent were they would do steely glares at each other every noting.

These things can definitely drag on or escalate and it’s a terrible example to the kids as well as a waste of resources when teachers/police etc have to get involved in managing parents behaviour. So definitely don’t charge in and be combative with the parent, even if you “know” it came from them.

It absolutely is not safe guarding. One child has said something to another child that's upset her.

Yes I know!