to go mental at school mum?

[Whattadopikachu]

My primary age daughter has a friend at school, her mother clearly doesn’t like me. Hasn’t since they started. She also doesn’t like my daughter.

Today my daughter comes out of school in a fit of tears, traumatised, saying “XXX told me her mum is saying that you and daddy don’t love me and don’t feed me anything”

What do I do with this? This kind of accusation has clearly come from an adult and isn’t just “kids being kids”.

What kind of mother says this to their young child about their friend?!? But also this is an extremely serious allegation and must be nipped in the bud. My instinct is to message her and just lay it all out and I’m trying very hard to remain composed.

How would you handle this?

Good move.

These threads really frustrate me - a child has been really upset by a comment another child made (for whatever reason) at school - a child that is by all accounts highly sensitive of course raising it with the class teacher for them to keep an eye on the dynamic in a calm and factual way is the way forward.

Anything else of course could overstep and won’t help but dealing with these type of things is bread and butter for teachers

I don’t understand this comment

I would be really cross if my daughter came home saying this at age 8. I don't agree with everyone saying you're overreacting and I am neuro typical - I just have zero tolerance for people saying nasty things to each other, although obviously how you react should depend on where it's really come from (the mother or the daughter). Either way, try to minimise your exposure to them and focus on other friendships for your daughter.

Can you imagine how crap her life must be that she spends her time looking for stuff online to slag you off with? Maybe you should thank her for letting you live rent free in her head!

Sounds to me like this something to do with insecurity on her part. Do you have anything that she could feasibly be resentful that you have and she doesnt? Money, lifestyle, looks, popularity? I would put money on it being something like that, and if it is then I would make a point of totally ignoring her in person but I would report it to the school. Just because she pathetic doesnt mean that she should be allowed to use and upset your DD in an attempt to get to you.

To those saying that they should ignore it altogether, if this was a divorcing couple and one parent told the kids shit about the other parent in attempt to get to the other parent, it would be classed as unacceptable/borderline abusive. This is no different.

I guess you either do or you don't

Well either she did say it and will a) deny it or b) say something more provocative and c) definitely get huge satisfaction out of your upset and concern.

Or she didn't and will think you're crazy, thus reinforcing her dislike of you, possibly leading to you being the subject of ridicule among more of the mothers.

Don't encourage the friendship and ignore her. Though I wonder why she actively dislikes you. Most people tolerate, at least, most other people. There has to be a reason to actually dislike them.

A fellow, parent once accused my five year old of carrying out a serious violent assault against her child on school grounds. It was delusional but I felt compelled to raise it with the school who called her in for an explanation. She came out looking very silly and had to apologise.

I don’t think the school will get involved in hearsay that involves children talking to and misunderstanding each other and the person who suggested focusing on reassuring your child to face the situation with confidence is correct. Better than to escalate it with the other parent and risk demonstrating to your daughter and her friend the wrong way of resolving a conflict.

One of the greatest pieces of advice I was given as a child, was that you cannot control what others say to you but you CAN control how you react to it.

I have said this frequently to my own children. Take control and keep the upper hand.

Serious allegation. Get a grip. It's kids being kids.

Fit of tears - traumatised. How is your child going to cope when she meets worse? Which she will do during her school days - let it go in one ear and out the other

I'm wondering what an acceptable age range is for adults to be friends? Maybe just two or three years if 10 years is too much?

YANBU to be cross but YABU to confront the parent. Speak to your child and teacher.

Scare her....fucking hell al capone

Some people on here are committed to a fantasy life where they are Humphrey Bogart in a film noir

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The school have better things to do with their time to get involved in something as minor as this. Suffering fuck. When I was at primary school there was a girl that wanted to batter anyone after school that looked at her the wrong way.

Someone saying your mummy and daddy don't feed you enough wouldn't have me suffering from trauma and in fits of tears.

An extremely serious allegation - it's a child being a brat - it happens

But do you not realise that the people who are trying to be supportive to the O.P may be making it worse by feeding delusions that have no basis on what she is saying. I think most of the comments have been very helpful in advising the o.p to focus on what she can control...unlike the responses that have told her to scare the other mother.

I sort of get what you are saying about the childs reaction but if she has never encountered something like this before, of course it is upsetting. Just because you managed to navigate school life with a very troubled violent person doesnt mean that the OPs child shouldnt react at all. Comes across as "didnt do me any harm", which I would dispute given your lack of empathy.

If the other child mentions this to a teacher they have a legal requirement to take it seriously, thats how it is. They would rather investigate a baseless claim than risk missing neglect (we all know how many agencies missed opportunities in recent years to prevent childrens abuse, neglect and ultimately their deaths). So they wont just say "Oh dont be silly", they must report it upwards.

So it does have the potential to be very serious for the OP and her family.

depends what you mean by the school the SLT/Headteacher yes

the classroom teacher (who th OP should approach) absolutely not dealing with this kind of stuff is well within their remit indeed their job they deal with drama all the time

Sorry but this is absolutely something that would come from a child. I think the mutual dislike for the other mum has made you assume it was her saying it when it's far more likely the child made it up. Kids bicker. Go to the school about it like an adult if you and more importantly your daughter are really upset by it, instead of "going mental" at the other mum, unless it's part of a pattern of bullying behaviour it's likely it will have been completely forgotten and they move on by tomorrow anyway.

Don't go after the other mother.

Take this to the school.

So what if it was? Your daughter knows you love her and feed her, just say the other mother was being silly and forget it.

The idea that you will 'go mental,' over something such as this is bizarre. Schools are about the children not the parents, so stop involving yourself in parents behaviour and leave your children to develop their own relationships. All you need to do in this situation is diffuse and reassure your child. The rest is nonsense and damaging to your child's own relationships with thier peers if you really cannot leave this alone then speak to the school however I would suggest introducing some maturity, rather than approach as you are on here.

You sound very strange

Your kid comes up to you in tears and says that apparently you don’t love them or feed them

Why isn’t your approach to clear things up direct with your kid? I’d be saying, do you need more food, you ate X today, Y yesterday, Z the day before. Do YOU feel like you aren’t being fed? If you think you are being fed, then does your child agree it’s a silly comment for this 3rd party to make? And can your kid look at evidence that it isn’t true, ie the food they have access to and are able to eat? Does your kid have a process in place of what to do if they are hungry like, are they just allowed to eat what they need from the fridge? If so, you basically just need to give your child enough confidence to say to others “that’s not true” and laugh it off.

Then likewise with not being loved.

Ultimately if your child felt these things were not true, they wouldn’t get upset. Ie If someone was gossiping about me saying my skin is green, I’m not going to get upset because I know it’s not true. I would see it as an untrue, bizarre comment to make and laugh it off. So why is your child upset about things that aren’t true?

To a certain extent, part of being resilient is accepting and acknowledging that you can’t control other people or what they say or what they do. And knowing that on some occasion you’ll be subject to gossip, and to not overreact when that occurs.