Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

You do seem to think they are required to compensate for the failings of her own paternal family, and treat her as something she isn’t to them.

Your family isn’t a nuclear one, and your in laws aren’t inclined to emulate one. Your husband, while he may treat your eldest fairly in your own home, isn’t going to demand that his family act according to your wishes, deny his daughter a relationship with, or create conflict with them over something he doesn’t take issue with.

You say he’s for all intents and purposes a father to her - has he actually said that he considers her to be his daughter, and himself her dad? Does she call him dad?

The couple getting married haven’t invited any stepchildren. Your husband queried it and they remained firm. That’s it. It isn’t what you want, but you cannot always get what you want. You can only deal with the reality you have, not the one you think you should have.

But you don’t mind if DD1 resents DD2? How will DD1 feel if DD2 goes to the wedding and she herself does not?

The youngest already knows it's a wedding, unfortunately.

And as with all the others who've suggested neither child going, how would you get round DH thinking his DD should be able to go? OP can't simply overrule him. I suspect you're right and he doesn't view DD as his own, though in fairness that's not quite what OP said, but that makes the idea that OP can just overrule him even less likely.

That resentment would be misplaced.

It’s not dd2’s fault her family invited her to something. She is allowed to have a family who love and want to spend time with her.

The resentment should be aimed at her deadbeat dad and his family for not being her family. That’s the only people letting dd1 down her family who cannot be arsed with her.

But of course as adults we know that. I was thinking about the perspective of DD1 and how she might feel, respond and think.

As I said, these threads are always the same. The stepparents relatives are held to a higher standard than the absent paternal family, when it was not of their choosing. This is the risk you take when you blend your family.

What you’re basically saying is that the step-mother and her children are damaged goods and they should take whatever they get from the husband’s family.

The husband’s family can choose to exclude OP’s eldest child but they take the risk of alienating them all.

I do agree with this.

This is on the OP's dh to show he genuinely sees both girls as his dc.

I can sort of understand the thinking of the B&G in keeping a strict, blanket rule for all, but if the dh actually feels both girls are his daughters, then this is how he should have responded. Either to go on his own or to not go at all. It is him you should be really disappointed with @BYU

Not treating OP’s daughter as something she isn’t to them, a grandchild or niece, isn’t the same thing as treating her as ‘damaged goods’, any more than not treating a DIL as an actual daughter is, or a MIL as a mother.

There’s no escaping risk in this situation. That said, OP’s in laws appear to be at low risk of alienating them all. OP’s husband isn’t going to deny his daughter a relationship with his family because OP wants him to. In trying to press this OP would be taking a number of risks herself, in search of an outcome she knows she’s not going to get.

I’m intrigued when I read comments like this about the difference if the was adopted. He is the child’s father (allegedly) in all but an adoption paper. Would you feel differently about the situation if this paperwork had been done?

I would view it as a blessing. It would give me the perfect reason not to have to attend. Weddings are so boring.

Do something nice with DD while DH goes with your shared child. No drama.

Op said for all intents and purposes that he acts as a father to her, which isn’t the same thing as saying that he considers her a daughter, or would want to adopt her.

She also says that her husband isn’t willing to cause conflict with his family over this, or deny his own child a relationship with them. Additionally, her children have been made aware that they are half siblings, and their family isn’t a nuclear one. It sounds that while he treats them fairly, he doesn’t consider them to be the same to him.

I would think him unreasonable if he led Op to believe he considered her a daughter, and adopted her (and adoption is much more than a ‘piece of paper’), but it doesn’t sound like this is the case.

Yes! Then he would literally be her parent.

At the moment he could divorce OP and never see this child again at a moment’s notice, if he felt like it.

If the dh adopted the child it would be completely different because he would legally be her dad, a legally defined parent with rights and responsibilities.

Currently he is legally just her mums husband.

So family wise it’s brothers, wife’s child or to be polite it’s brother’s step child.

funny I read it the other way ‘to all intents and purposes he’s her father’ so he would refer to her as his daughter and her dad. But maybe I’m wrong. I felt the OP was making out that the step bit was a mere formality and that he was raising the child as his.

I agree the situation is very different if he doesn’t see the child as his and she’s just his own child’s sibling.

I'm not sure it's even an 'allegedly'. OP used quite non-specific language. Read alongside everything else she's written, 'all intents and purposes her father' could mean anything from genuinely sees her as his own child to being a decent stepdad who's happily involved in the day to day parenting, but mentally distinguishes the two kids.

But he's happy for your other child to be excluded and he's going to facilitate that. I wouldn't be able to look at him.

’For all intents and purposes’ is very vague, and OP hasn’t elaborated to clarify whether he does see her as his daughter. It may be something she wants to believe to be a mere formality.

What she has said is that the girls are well aware of their differences, that her DH isn’t going to insist his family treat his stepchild as his actual daughter, or deny his daughter a relationship with them if they don’t. All combined, it rather suggests that it isn’t the case (or that he’s even told her that it was).

Yes the intents and purposes.

Is it purely they live together and whatever he does for his daughter he involves hers in as a curtesy.

Or do they actually have a proper daddy daughter relationship.

But what if your side of the family consisted of just your mother who was also invited to these events because this is what is happening here.

That still wouldn’t be their fault. At that point it would be my mother’s job to either stay home with me or book a babysitter.

She’s the one who decided to create a larger blended family it’s her job to make me feel safe and secure. She made active choices that she knew would or could affect me its her job to deal with the consequences at that point for both children. Denying one child their family because the other doesn’t have one isn’t fair nor does it make things equal.

You’re expecting step parents families to fill in the gaps left by others.

Lovely if they want to but it shouldn’t be expected and that’s what all parents should remember before they go ahead having more children with new partners. Their families don’t have to love and enjoy your child.

It’s the dead beats fault for lack of family. It’s the resident parent fault for any hurt feelings if they happen after they decide to add more children with involved families.

I completely agree with this. How mean have you got to be to exclude a 10year old child who lives in the same household. It’s bizarre and mean.

OP I understand that you want to all go or not go at all. I wouldn’t leave my ten year old child out in this circumstance either.

It's her wedding and her decision but I still think it's shitty and in your position I would not go.

Let DH take the youngest but as she'll be attending an event with her dad I would take eldest away shopping to pick a new outfit and take her somewhere she'd like to go as a treat ie dinner at her favourite food place and cinema/ice skating etc

This. Stay and do something fun with your 10yo.

The couple can invite whoever they want, but they're being very mean about stepchildren. It's unnecessary really.

Its YOUR daughters family too!!!
Your daughter should be treated as your other daughter. Just because ur husband isnt her birth father, he has taken on the responsibility of her and should be standing by her! I would be fuming if that happened to my daughters (whom have a stepdad who's family treat them like their own) step granny n grandad etc ... that is awful for your 10yr old, what a way to be shunned from the family!!!

He might even consider them to have a great relationship, but as DSF and DSD rather than father-daughter. There's loads of room for nuance in what OP has written.