Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

I think the difference here is that the OP's dh must have been with the OP 8 years or so.
Since her elder dd was 2 at least.
The elder dd is with them full time and doesn't go to stay with, or even have any contact with her biological father.
That is a really different scenario from a step child who became part of a family at a much older age, and a step child who also has her own, separate family.

If this is the only Dad she has ever known, and he has been in her life since before she can remember, and she doesn't see her biological family, then it seems really odd to me that the OP's dh seems to think it is fine to treat his two daughters differently in this scenario.

This isn't one of these cases where the OP has met a new chap 18 months ago, and already had a 10 year old, who spends 1/3 of her life with her Dad and Dad's family. That would get a different response from me.

I strongly suspect this is what is going on. They found the easiest way was to exclude all steps so thats what they did. They didn't think about your family in particular.

And I am assuming if you are at the invite level then DH is close enough to the groom for them to know DD10 is not his blood daughter because presumably he'd have announced the birth if she had been ! So I dont read anything into the fact that bride and groom know

My dad’s been my dad since I have memories. I still knew me and my sibling had different families.

No ill will or hatred for them getting to do stuff with just their family without me.

My sperm donor I’ve met once and never his family.

Dad is the only dad I have and yet still I can see no problem with ops husband’s family.

@Tableforjoan are you honestly saying that at the age of 10 you wouldn’t have been upset if your mum,your stepdad and younger sister all went off to a family party and you were left alone with a babysitter? You wouldn’t have felt left out or less than at all? You are a bigger person than me as if have been devastated at that age.

Honestly no.

They did have events and things I wasn’t always invited to and there were events I was. When I wasn’t at an event I’d be with my side of the family having some one on one fun time with my maternal grandparents without the annoying little sibling.

It was just normal life. My sibling slept over at Nannie’s house I didn’t because she wasn’t my nanny.

I didn’t call his aunty, aunty I called her by her name my own choice she was happy either way as long as I was happy to call her it.

There was no forced expectations placed on my dad’s family other than politeness, birthday/Christmas.

As such I knew I was always wanted when there because I was wanted there not that my mum had forced an invite via blackmail of my
younger siblings attendance.

This is definitely what is happening. It's a real shame the OP's DH doesn't say, I'm afraid that's not going to work for us but have a lovely day.

Of course my husband’s family know that my daughter is his stepdaughter and I also think it is plausible that his cousin would have told his partner in conversation but I can’t imagine why she would tell her BiL.

I have no idea even if the bride’s BiL is pushing for his older children to attend but it is these three children, one of whom is at least 15 and mostly live with their mother, that are being used as an excuse for my daughter not to be included.

Posters are saying that my youngest should be stopped from going. If we use the excuse that the eldest one isn’t invited she would know that she is the only one related to them.

Of course my wish is for my two girls to be close and posters saying they won’t be close if we allow the youngest to go but I think the opposite. I think such a scenario is more likely to result in the youngest resenting her sister.

Thank you everyone for what you have said. I won’t be going to this wedding.

I am a stepmother in a blended family - we all live together full-time. I can 100% say that if one of my family issued a wedding invitation that excluded my stepdaughter, we wouldn't go. I'd also cut them off tbh for not respecting my chosen family as well as my bio kids. That's not how family should behave and I'd be really upset if any of them did this.

Wise choice. People are dicks. Especially at weddings.

I can understand this, but it does seem mean to your daughter so I'd not take either.

I think it would be mean to youngest not to let her go.

OP, I think this is a very difficult and complicated situation.

For what it's worth, I think you have decided on the least worst solution.

No blame on anyone because there are so many different factors. 🤗

It's also not a practical suggestion. None of the people telling you to keep both girls away have explained how that works when you and your husband disagree. You've made the most sensible choice.

I wouldn’t go to this. I’d send my husband and stay home with the kids and do something super fun. There’s no chance I’d encourage my kids to think they can opt in and out of the family unit in your particular situation. I wouldn’t argue with the cousin though, they picked a line that works for them and that’s not your problem.

it means you aren’t really family either though so no need to help them out in future.

Thanks for the update, OP. I think you're making the best of a difficult situation, and this will only reflect badly on the couple getting married. What a pity to be so keen to exclude three children that your own child gets caught in the crossfire. They wouldn't be relatives I'd 'drop everything' for in the future.

What your dh and youngest attending, but your oldest not being invited so you cannot attend does is split your family unit in two.

It is more significant than not inviting steps.

There was a recent thread where the uninvited children were the children of a married in husband and his children with his ex lived primarily with their mother. In those circumstances I 100% agree with what you’re saying here. However this situation isn’t the same. This child lives permanently 100% within the invited family. She has the same status within that family as the biological child to all intents and purposes. It seems like the other step children involved here are more similar to the children in the first scenario than this one. In the OPs shoes I would expect my husband to put our family unit first and I’d be very angry with outside parties acting to create division within my family and him if he allowed it.

You’re not bound to be treated as more part of the family as a stepchild if your own father isn’t on the scene, than stepchildren who do see their father? I don’t understand why people always labour this point. In this case, there’s been a blanket rule for all stepchildren. One of these not seeing their own father doesn’t change anything.

As I said, these threads are always the same. The stepparents relatives are held to a higher standard than the absent paternal family, when it was not of their choosing. This is the risk you take when you blend your family.

That’s bloody mean of them to exclude your daughter. What did they think you’d do with her? Leave her on her own and cheerily wave goodbye? Bloody awful.
I’m with you in that I wouldn’t go to the wedding either. I’d probably be a bit miffed that DH still intended to go with the youngest and didn’t stand firm as a complete family unit as well.

It’s up to them who they invite but excluding one child from a family doesn’t sit right with me. Personally in this circumstance I would just politely turn down the invitation and move on

My eldest daughter was three months old when her dad announced that he didn’t want this anymore and left. His family were in shock but did nothing for me or for her. I do not hold my husband’s family to a higher standard than these weak people.

I am talking about a child and a wedding.

I don’t want a second child being estranged from her family.

I don’t want DD2 resenting DD1

Well said ❤️

Does your husband have any other children apart from the one with you?

Then speak to your husband and get him to speak up for your family unit. It doesnt have to be an argument, just that if there isnt room for both his children, you will have to decline for both of them. Do not let cousins who do not value your family unit weaken it.

It doesn't sound like your husband views your daughter as his own like you initially suggested.

I would go without the children. Your youngest doesn't need to know it's anything to do with who has or hasn't been invited - why would you even bring that up? Just tell them it's a grown up event and they'll be doing fun things with XX instead.

If your husband and youngest go, you are sending the clear message to everyone, your children included, that your eldest is not family. She's just a child who lives with your husband and youngest daughter. It seems you don't care too much about this from you latest posts, which is a real shame for your 10 year old. I truly hope this will not cause her future unresolved issues. Poor girl.