Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

Exactly this!

This seems to ge a really common theme of AIBU... imo it's really harsh for two adults, to cause such upset to their guests, and be excluding of actual children from their wedding! Because "it's their special day". I think they should grow up and recognise what their actions show, and the damage they could cause. I don't care if it's "expensive" - an extra four children is hardly going to break the bank either way, is it? When people spend thousands and thousands. I get that ultimately it's their decision, their choice. But it's a stingy and unkind choice.

This! Op really needs to take this issue up with her 'D'H as soon as possible. The 10 year old will start realising this soon, as will the 6 year old.
Terrible idea for the younger child only to attend the wedding with dh!
OP should go to Disneyworld Paris (or other special treat) for the weekend with both children and leave dh to attend the wedding on his own if he insists on going.

Bringing it back to basics , this is a family of four , they are a unit… three have been invited to the wedding and one child is left out …regardless of debating about blended families , who doesn’t have to accept who etc . I can’t believe some of the comments condoning why it’s acceptable to alienate this 10 year old child.

Its cruel , petty , bullying behaviour and the bride and groom should be ashamed of themselves. Considering 50% of marriages end in divorce they may very likely have a blended family themselves one day and karma bites them on the arse.

I think your husband is being utterly gutless. It is dreadful to exclude a child in this way and I don't think any of you should attend.

I’d genuinely take the eldest to Disneyland or something she would love, this would massively piss me off

I would say either you all go together or dh goes alone.
i agree with the above poster plan a great trip for you and kids, or your eldest if the youngest one goes to wedding.

Yes, absolutely. There should be no division between siblings in the same house.

A child not attending something her cousins are attending? Far less important.

Yes you should decline. Very unreasonable and insensitive to invite one of your children and exclude the other.

It's interesting because if this is the poster I strongly think it is, usually there are a lot more people saying YABU than there are on this thread.

OP must have put less than usual about how she thinks DD2 should miss out on extended family stuff because DD1 hasn't got a relationship with her extended family. Or that DD2s extended family should have to accept DD1 as part of their family the same as DD2, or else not have time with DD2. Because the wedding stuff is always pretty much the same.

What are you supposed to say to the oldest daughter? You’re not invited because your dad is not your real dad and the family don’t class you as real family!? That’s absolutely disgraceful and harmful to a child. They should be ashamed of themselves. I think your husband will have go alone while you take the two girls to do something nice together xx

You can't leave the 10 year old on her own so stay with her and think of something really nice to do instead.
Don't make a big deal of the wedding - better for her to have just as much / more fun doing something else.

I’m sorry but your DH doesn’t regard DD1 as his daughter. I’m not saying he doesn’t care about her, but she is not his priority.

You either go as a family of 4, or DH goes solo. Your younger DD will get over it if it’s not made into a big deal. Take them to Legoland or something instead.

Anotther dismissive knee jeek reaction from a Poster with nothing to say.Why do you bother!

Hell no way would I be attending, even if DH took a stand and they now changed their minds.

Too late. They've made it clear how they see the 10 year old in relation to the family.

The wedding culture in the UK has become really self centred since around the 90s. I hate it now.

Every so often there's a genuinely lovely, kind inclusive couple who have a lovely family spirited wedding. But a lot of the time now, it's about the show and display and not related to any underlying familial or sacred principles. 'Let's spend thousands on flowers decorating every doorway, all the pews and the entire ceiling and have a horse drawn carriage...oh but we don't have enough in the budget to invite my Aunts kids'

Yes, but what a fucking shitty way to treat a child.

Agree with PP who said let DH take the younger one and do something fun with your eldest

They are being unreasonable and so is your husband. It is mean to invite one sibling and not the other, they should have invited both the children or none.

If the bride's sister's 3 stepchildren live with their mother, that's very different from your child that lives with you and your husband, especially if the mother of those 3 children isn't invited to the wedding. All I'm certain of is that there's no way I'd have one of my children attend, and hurt the other by saying it can't.

Yes, but only a droog differentiates between the children in a family. Children really take this sort of thing to heart. If you can’t afford it then don’t invite any kids.

It’s shitty to exclude one single child from a family unit.

It’s shitty of your husband to accept that and still want to go.

Honestly, what is it about weddings that bring out the worst in people? Yes, the couple can invite whoever they want but on any other given day most normal people would know this is a cunty thing to do.

I would decline OP and if people ask why, tell them the truth. Anyone with half a brain and heart would totally get it.

Can you offer to pay for your eldest child to go? I think I would ask if that was possible and take it at face value that it is a financial thing on the part of the couple whose wedding it is.. I’m sure they would have no issue with you doing that and then you can all attend as a family..

Your husband is now your child's Father and should not accept the invitation as it stands!

He could have adopted her and chose not to. He is the child's stepfather. When my brother met his now wife, her son was about 6 months old. My brother legally adopted him shortly after they got married and we all think of him as his son, partly because he made the decision to adopt him.

A very similar thing happened to me but it was my siblings and not extended family. I received an invite for myself and my wife but not my 2 stepchildren, who I have been in their lives for 10 years at the time. I enquired what it was about as I found out all my other nieces and nephews were invited just not mine as were a few cousins children. As it was on a weekday and a schoolday I made the excuse that we couldn't make it as they had school and we actually didnt have a child minder for the 2 days as was a few hours drive away from home. I thought by saying that, it would elicit an invite for them saying it was an oversight on their part, which did not come. As I have cancer myself, and I had an appointment for my chemo a few days before the wedding I wouldn't be able to drive myself and while my wife told me she would never stand in my way and I should stay down but i wouldnt leave my wife and kids as it was close to Christmas. It was a point of principle, they are my kids as i have raised my son since he was 5 and my daughter from she was 4 months old. My view is if you're going to invite children invite all kids in the family, or invite none at all. As a compromise, and as i love my family, I went to the church service but declined the reception. Needless to say my parents and most other siblings seen it as a slight against them and have refused to properly speak to me for the past 3 years but I am a principled person. I say if you want to make a compromise, go to the service and take both your children (if its a church wedding they cant stop you from all attending) then at the end tell your husband if he wants to stay he can and make a point of congratulating the happy couple and apologise for having to leave with one or both children but you wouldn't miss the most important part of their day and wish them well.