Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

You say your DH thinks it would be unfair to stop your youngest from seeing her cousins. But does he, and you and your eldest, view them as the cousins of your eldest as well? In my family growing up we didn't really think about step and half, for siblings or cousins, largely perhaps because the other parent was completely uninvolved or sadly deceased. While I think not inviting her is way off, I also think the family dynamics affect the scale of it.

This is what I’m thinking, very familiar.

I agree with the above, and I don't think much of your partner. How could he go knowing a child who calls him Dad is being excluded.

The elder daughter will see the man she calls Dad and her younger sister going out dressed up for a nice day and she stays at home.

The above said and they go I would make sure my daughter had a lovely day to remember. I would take her out somewhere very nice.

The next bit may be contentious and its only how I would feel, but I would expect my husband to stay at home and support his wife and children, especially the one who calls him Dad even if he was not biologically.

"I agree with the poster who said it should be all when they live as one household"

How do you define who lives as one household? Children who alternate between parents may also feel part of both households?
Would the other stepchildren find it fair that they're not considered part of their father's household?

I can see why they have done it and it falls particularly awkwardly for you as it excludes only one child. I would either attend as a couple and leave both kids with grandparents/friends OR I would decline and let my husband go with the younger child and treat the older child. Your ten year old is old enough to explain this to but I would be making it very clear it wouldn't be your choice. Otherwise I wouldn't overthink it too much as it doesn't sound personal.

It seems that your husband doesn’t consider your eldest his daughter either, or he wouldn’t be saying your youngest daughter’s cousins will be there, surely the cousins count your eldest as their cousin also, I don’t suppose they have been told she’s not biologically connected to them, I imagine your eldest would’ve been 2 or 3 when you met your husband the same as my son was when I met my husband, his family all class him as my husband’s son and he’s 23 now

That he treats his stepdaughter fairly doesn’t mean he considers her to be his actual daughter. It also sounds like both children fully understand that they don’t share all of the same family members, and their respective relationships reflect this.

I don’t think they’ve been unreasonable, or that your husband’s way of navigating this is unreasonable either.

I don’t think your unreasonable, clicked in error x

It is different to ALL 3 step children being excluded, to ONE child being excluded when their sibling is going.

The two things are not comparable

You can change your vote by clicking on YANBU

This- and actually be ok with either option

What a stupid and pointless post.

The OP knows this. But just because they can do something, is it the right thing to do? The kind thing?? Clearly not here.

I can see the brides issue and also see your issue. Difficult for everyone I think.

For you, your children need to come first. You need to accept the invite is what it is and make your decision on what to do based on that.

If she has no contact with her biological father and you want your dh to be her dad I would seriously consider him formally adopting her. After that I would expect him to stand up for her that same as he would his bio dc.

Otherwise it is unlikely to be the last time your eldest is treated differently from the rest of his family as she isn't actually part of it no matter how much you think she is/should be.

This is perfect - then reconsider your marriage!

The B&G have acted really shoddily without considering the effect this would have on your dd and your family. For the price of a kid’s meal you’d think they just suck it up, for the greater good and to achieve family happiness?

yanbu at all

I think the main issue is your husband? Not treating your eldest daughter as his own.

I wouldn’t go if my step daughter wasn’t welcome!

Same, I’ve been married to an Indian so long, that you talk to someone in a shop on a regular basis and they end up family 🤣

It would be talked about at every event for the next 10 years if a couple excluded a child like this, in fact the bride and groom would probably be sat down by multiple members of the older generation and educated on the meaning of family!

It is a bit mean. Unless the children are known to be disruptive, I would invite all four ifit were my wedding.
It is their wedding; they choose who to invite.

Could you contact the family of the other step children and hire the same baby sitter? The kids could watch the wedding procession or go into the church then watch a movie and eat takeaway with the baby sitter.

This works to show that the dh doesn’t consider the eldest as his dd otherwise he would be asking they treat both his children the same

Yes I suspect so.

Thought I'd read it before

It's clear your husband doesn't think of your eldest as his daughter. He's quite happy to have her excluded from the family and not seeing her cousins but won't entertain his daughter not going.

I would tell him this and that I'm very disappointed he doesn't have your daughter's back and you see him differently as a result.

I always read these stories and think some people just want to create drama. Even if numbers were tight there is no way I would invite one sibling and not the other if they were part of the same household and the step parent was the de facto parent. Wouldn’t even occur to me. There is absolutely nuance regarding step children who live elsewhere most of the time and have a more hands length relationship with a step family but in this situation it seems ridiculous to differentiate when the children are so small and it would entail the mum dad and sister going off and having to leave the 10 year old with a babysitter. No normal person would even consider that an ok scenario

And the grandparents inviting the 6 year old for a day so they could have a family party, which the OP accidentally gate crashed with the 10 year old.

Yes if the family are close ops dh just rocking up with a toddler one day would be quite the news or a lack of pregnancy announcement.

I have cousins I barely see or talk to and I’d still know if their child was theirs or a step, because news of a pregnancy spreads like wild fire. Lack of pregnancy news yet a new 4 year old along side a new partner is pretty bloody obvious to even a rock.