Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

Yes and you can also murder whoever you want doesn't mean it's right

That's quite the straw man argument. Dumbest thing I have read on Mumsnet.

Yes and you can also murder whoever you want doesn't mean it's right

What a stupid thing to post.

You can’t murder who you want, though.

You can invite who you want to your wedding.

Are the bride’s step nieces and nephews invited? The former are a closer relationship. I might want my sister’s step children at my wedding but not my cousin’s step children. That doesn’t seem unreasonable. But if they don’t invite the whole family they risk none of you coming.

OP can you try to promote your eldest DD’s realtionship with her father and/or his family? There may be reasons why this isn’t possible but that should be the default position. It’s possible the bride and groom think your eldest DD has her own paternal extended family.

I'd keep both children home. Imo, if your husband goes with the youngest, it's still telling the eldest she isn't part of the family. I wouldn't do that to her. Husband can go alone.

Your husband’s family have put you both in a no win situation. I would tell them this even though it will probably make no difference but they need to know. I think it’s sad that they don’t treat your daughters equally and I would also say this to them. As the girls get older and if they continue to treat them differently the girls will pick up on it. I’d ask your husband’s family to imagine if it was the other way round and it was the younger daughter not invited and ask them how they would feel.

Happened to me once with my son. It wasnt intentional though. My husbands cousin didnt realise. Anyway we just all turned up and they found an extra seat. So if I were in your shoes Id all go. Theyre hardly going to turn her away...

About this!

Sorry I meant absolutely this!

This is ridiculous. You can't gatecrash a wedding with uninvited family members!

But the other step children aren't a full time family unit, where the posters family are.

I wouldn't go. Plus I'd ask your husband why on earth, he's happy to go along with it, when he's brought his step daughter up as his own and accepts his cousins attitude towards her. Nope, I'd put the foot the down and tell him to go himself, none of the kids are going.

True but you don't have to like it!

If there is a no child rule, that is one thing....but not one child and not the other.

I wouldn't go and do something else with the 10 year old that say.

Sorry to sound harsh, but this isn't on your husband's family. It's on your husband. They're allowed to invite who they want. But if your husband is making arguments about your youngest being able to see "her" family, then he doesn't actually see your daughter as his own child.

its Such a dick move to do this, they must know that it’s going to cause offence.
Id stay at home with my older child. I wouldn’t really want my younger child going but I don’t see how you can stop him
taking her himself.

I think either just you and DH go and both girls stay at home, just DH goes or none of you goes.
Given how close DH is to his cousin, and he is the only dad your daughter knows and she lives with you both all the time it is really mean and hurtful of them to exclude her.
Of course a sister is a much closer relative than a cousin but if you are a very close family and they know your DH considers himself DDs dad its unacceptable.

And what would happen if he disagreed? Every time we have threads like this, there's invariably a succession of posters saying they'd impose their own will. They never explain how they're going to overrule the other parent who disagrees, and this is a situation where making it a deal breaker potentially means a great many more situations where one is invited and the other not.

YABU to suggest your child is a more important step child than the brides sisters.

they have already made it clear to you that the other step children are also not invited. The fact they live with their mother is irrelevant . They aren’t BILs children any less than your child is yours. He is still their full parent. The bride and groom clearly don’t want to include step children. Yes that makes them arses for the way they view step children but arses still have weddings and can choose who they want.

The only control you have is to not go and stay home with your ten year old and other daughter if you wish to keep her home. You can explain that you won’t leave your child home alone, have no child care or simply don’t want her to see you all dressed for a party that she isn’t invited to. Send your DH and leave it at that.

I would stay at home with the eldest and do something nice with her . H can go with the invited child if he wants . I would be really annoyed by this .

They can invite or not invite whoever they like. You can refuse to go if this doesn’t suit you.

We didn’t invite some relatives step children to our wedding. That meant a couple of people took offence and didn’t come which we were fine with.

Do what suits you because others will.

I agree that this is on your husband. I don’t like the way he is saying this would be unfair on the youngest child as it’s “her” family, her cousins, but not her half sister’s family - the child he supposedly views as his own? If he viewed her as his own and treated her as his own he wouldn’t allow this and would not divide them in this way. It’s fine if the cousins have chosen this path, but he has to get his priorities sorted. It’s not ok.

Also, youngest would have no reason to resent the eldest, 6 year old kids don’t care that deeply about weddings, surely she cares more about her sister. If you said do you want to go somewhere fun with your sister and a couple of friends I’m sure she’d be very happy with it. If your husband wants to go to the ceremony fine but I think it’s a dick move to go to the reception. You have to model to her the values you want her to grow up with. Her sister is much more important than this party thrown by this type of person who would do this.

That's a strange one. It's not even the bride's sister's kids from another marriage - they're her husband's so absolutely no blood relation to the bride. What's the difference?! I'd say you've no one to look after the 10 yr old so you'll stay back and let husband and younger one go ahead.

OP hasn’t said he views her as his own, or that he’s ever told her he would. What she has said is that the two girls know they are half sisters, and don’t share all of the same family relationships. OP’s husband isn’t going to cut off his family, or deny his daughter a relationship with them, because of this.

The 6 year old loves her paternal family, and is excited for the wedding. Wanting to believe she wouldn’t care about going does not mean this would be the case. There have been many threads on here about younger half siblings being resentful of being denied their own identity paternal family in the name of ‘fairness’ to an older sibling.