Dd, autism and cake - Thread 2

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I had no idea that my first thread would fill up and I am in awe and overwhelmed at the amount of support.

I am going to re-read all the responses and make a plan. Thank you, this has been eye opening.

That's a great update. And I think that is exactly the way to respond to your DD's outbursts, just as you would to a toddler tantrum.

I expect that she will ramp up the manipulation and emotional blackmail, but stay strong. Have you and your DH made a plan about your expectations for her in the short and long term, as well as how and when to reduce/stop the allowance?

Don’t bite that bait! It’s a trap!!!

Out came the (entirely predicted) hint of suicide. “Staying alive is an achievement.” Oh sit down.

This will get worse before it gets better, buckle up and open the wine.

I would say something like: I know these years have been really hard for you, and I know you are feeling stuck and not knowing how to move forward. I want to help you move forward and feel better, we are on the same page here.
I think if you feel this depressed and low, we really need to get you some help. I'll take you to the doctor next week and we can get you some medication and counselling. Also I think you need a break from tiktok for a while, as I think some of the content you are seeing on there is making you feel worse. So we can start from there, lets get you some medication for your depression, and stop the tiktok for a while. Once you are feeling a bit better, we can think of next steps. I love you xx

Also I agree, that message is designed to make you immediately feel threatened that she may kill herself if you don't do exactly what she wants. That needs dealing with swiftly: If you feel like that it's straight to the doctors for medication, or A&E for an assessment.

If you actually want to respond to that with anything I would say similar to the above. That you do want to help but if she’s that depressed and suicidal it is beyond your ability to help and she needs professional help so next steps are the doctor urgently. Don’t go into long winded replies. A short version of you understand, you love her, and your help will involve getting her to the doctor ASAP. If she refuses, you’ll know she’s just talking rubbish and back round you’ll go.

Also I think the message means you are on the right track, as she is saying don't use tough love, it won't work. I think because she really doesn't want her easy life to change. If you look at it from most angles, a tough love approach has a better chance of working than the 'letting her stay in her room watching tiktok with an allowance' approach, which hasn't worked for 2.5 years

Well done Op it can’t have been an easy conversation.
As for her latest message I’d avoid lengthy discussion but say you are willing to help her get the professional help she clearly needs.

Is she texting you in the house? I would be tempted to ask her to respond pointing out you are in the same house, you are literally there right now to help, so come down and talk. Obviously disregard if I've misunderstood.

I would just focus on the last bit. "It's fine that you don't know how, that is what I can help with. What things do you feel you need to be an adult and have a good life/what does a good life look like to you? What could we start looking at to make that happen?

Ignore the rest which is just regurgitating everything you have said she's got stuck in before, just like you warned her you would.

I hope that message isn’t word for word what she wrote. If she ever finds out you are posting her messages to you on a forum like this your relationship with her will be destroyed.

Just posting for support op. I've not read the whole thread but I'm really happy to read the support you're getting. You sound an amazing mum, stay strong and I'm sure you'll get there x

That's a very manipulative message. Don't get drawn in. Just reiterate that you love her and because her current lifestyle is very bad for her mental health and wellbeing you aren't going to fund it or enable it any more. Then offer again to arrange for her to see a therapist or a doctor.

Op, have you tried taking a step back from the autism diagnosis?

She is an adult now. Talk to her about how there's subjectivity in this sort of diagnosis, that you genuinely intended pursuing it to be a route to her getting help with the misophonia.

But be apologetic.

Say sorry for pursuing a diagnosis she didn't want, and allowing it to be known eg at school etc. Give her the choice as an adult to disregard it if she wishes. I think she is looking for you to take accountability for this?

I do think she is attention seeking etc & massively needs boundaries but honestly has it occurred to you that maybe she is not autistic, or is in a bit of a grey/borderline area, and that actually the diagnosis you sought has damaged her self esteem & prospects?

I'd also point out to her that she is only 19, she has her whole life left to lead, and that the sooner she gets it back on track the better it will be

@ToffeeCrabApple I think it's a bit unfair to the OP to suggest that "the diagnosis you sought has damaged her self esteem and prospects." Of course it's possible that her DD was misdiagnosed, but if that were the case it would be the fault of the clinician who assessed her, not the OP's fault for getting her assessed when she was struggling. An autism diagnosis doesn't harm someone's prospects. If she hadn't been diagnosed she could well be having the same tantrums but blaming the OP for not getting her diagnosed instead. I've seen a number of young adults on social media posting about adult autism diagnoses and claiming their parents neglected them by not getting them assessed as children.

She is an adult now. Talk to her about how there's subjectivity in this sort of diagnosis, that you genuinely intended pursuing it to be a route to her getting help with the misophonia.
But be apologetic.
Say sorry for pursuing a diagnosis she didn't want, and allowing it to be known eg at school etc. Give her the choice as an adult to disregard it if she wishes. I think she is looking for you to take accountability for this?

@ToffeeCrabApple I’ve done this. Many times. Apologised for causing her pain and for not being fully honest with her to get her into the assessment.

That’s a great response

It sounds like such a lot for you to be dealing with OP. Work, running a house, DH, other DDs Nd then having to have these long, circular conversations over and over again. At work and at home. Hope you are ok

What does she currently need money for? Is she going to just accept no allowance? My nephew didn't care as long as he had WiFi and food. He didn't go out do he didn't really need money.

Sounds like he would have be wfited from having his wifi cut/phone contract cancelled. Then he would need to go out to get money for these things, like everyone else has to

She probably does feel as though she has nothing much to live for, in that she has no sense of purpose at all, no work, no exercise, very limited social interactions and a busy, irritable brain from scrolling tiktok and not much else.

The TikTok needs to go. Without it, there may be the capacity for self-reflection.

Just because OP sought assessment for autism, doesn’t mean dd was automatically diagnosed. The process is long and in depth. She got diagnosed because she is autistic. They don’t diagnose lightly, the criteria you have to meet is big. If you don’t tick the box in just 1 part, you don’t get a diagnosis.* *

I’ve been following these threads but missed what your daughter said in the last message but just wanted to say well done for sticking to your guns OP.