Dd, autism and cake - Thread 2

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I had no idea that my first thread would fill up and I am in awe and overwhelmed at the amount of support.

I am going to re-read all the responses and make a plan. Thank you, this has been eye opening.

She’s predictable isn’t she!
I wouldn’t reply tit for tat to her messages.
Just speak tonight. Say expecting an adult to do something productive with their day isn’t pressure. It’s up to you what you choose to do but you aren’t just doing nothing and me funding it.

It will get worse before better. She’s going to be angry at you.
Have you got any annual leave coming up.
I’m thinking a break so you aren’t dealing with work and her shenanigans and also an opportunity to disrupt her status quo if you are there in daytime.

This. The “putting pressure on me” whine is her fury that you are daring to question her or ask anything of her, as she sees her self as no 1 in the family who makes the rules for everyone else to follow.

It sounds like removing the wifi can work then. You didn't say whether you've apologised to dd1. I think it would be a good idea if you haven't. Also as part of the conditions for dd3 having access to wifi and everything else that you pay for I think you should include a proper apology to dd1, and appropriate behaviour towards her (and dd2 if that's also an issue) in the future. They don't have to be best friends but basic civility should be an expectation under your roof.

No. The correct response to her saying ‘stop putting pressure on me’ is ‘no’

You say ‘good. It’s meant to.’

I would reassure her heavily on this because it is true. I would tell her of course I love you deeply and I always will.

Then I would say that this is not the important point however. What is important is not what I think but her own goals for herself. I would be happy if she was happy but I don’t think that currently she is and I want us to work together to change that.

(The fact that she asks you that does perhaps suggest that she may be wanting the Russell group uni because she thinks that is what will please you)

Yes you are right. I am now applying some pressure.
I think that some pressure is needed now to change this situation in which you are unhappy and we all are unhappy. I have tried no pressure for over 2 years now and I feel we need to try to change something somehow.
Pressure is not always a bad thing.

I respectfully disagree having read a lot of this thread. DD3 has been reassured many major times & prioitised too many times.

She wants to go to a good uni because she thinks she’s too smart for a “shit” one.

I would not reply to messages that are not an emergency whilst I am at work. My kids know that and the house would have to be burning down. I don’t have time to chat when I am busy working.
You may have to tell her that this is a new rule.

I would also put the wi fi off in working hours. The trouble is that spending a lot of time in a social media echo chamber is amplifying her view of herself as a traumatised victim and is not constructive for anyone at all. I would be a wreck if I spent 24-7 scrolling Reels and Tik Tok too. It’s such a thief of time and motivation. Brain rot is aptly named. If she was drinking or smoking cannabis all day you would try to stop it and honestly I think this is almost as bad.

You make a very good point & it’s arguably worse. The social media echo chamber will tell her how wronged & misunderstood she is.

I think you are still interfering a bit too much in this response.

Ball is in her court.

I would not be proactively checking in on her. It just gives her an excuse to kick back at you when you step in.

I would make the status quo gradually more uncomfortable ie no allowance and no WiFi and maybe no phone contract either but I would not be chivvying her to do something as I feel that’s still taking over and babying her. I would just keep saying like a stuck record ‘I am here to support you when you have decided what you want to do.’

Paying more time and attention to DD1 and DD2 who are constructively pursuing their life goals will also send a message that this what gets you attention. Up to now being difficult has got a lot more attention for DD3 whilst the others got less so it’s a tactic that has worked for her.

There will be an ‘extinction burst’ of carrying on trying the behaviours that have historically worked and you need to send a clear message that they no longer do for her behaviour to change.

I admit that I am answering from a behavioural psychology framework that some people would disagree with but it seems firm and yet fair to me and is how I parent my own kids. I just don’t understand how ‘no demand’ PDA approaches actually work in the long term especially with older kids and adults (can see it for a toddler/ primary kid a bit more). Do you not just create a person who is a nightmare for everyone else in the world to tiptoe around and who has a hard lonely life because no one other than your mum will in fact put up with that degree of accommodation?

I’m trying to aim for balance.
She is loved and likeable but her behaviour needs to change.

Totally agree. You can’t continue to feel guilty/torn about her mental heath & staying in touch with friends. If you continue to make her life comfortable her friends will move on with their lives & she’ll tell you that now she really can’t do anything as she feels everyone has moved on.
You have a window for something to happen because she is a young adult.

The real issue is that whilst the rest of us would be screaming “stop this bullshit you idle mare” OP worries about DD3’s mental health to the degree that every sanction ends up with a “yeah but what if she kills herself?” And nothing can trump that, can it?

She’s already moaning (not surprisingly) that I’m being ‘mean’. She didn’t like my tone in my messages (I did point out that tone can’t be coveyed easily in a text but I suppose she means I’m being firm and not as warm and loving as usual).

she's not going to like stopping lazing about on social media all day, or having her free money for doing nothing stopped. Of course she's complaining!

Just do what needs to be done and keep being reassuring but firm. Yes I love you. No you can't soend the day in your room on tiktok. Yes I like you. No you can't have money for nails and hair (which you aren't too anxious to leave the house for) but you can if you get a job or study. Next question.

I need to get over this. And I’m coming round to the idea that the risk of this happening is much less than the risk of her continuing like this without some intervention from me.

@Terfymcnamechange it something about my tone that she’s particularly sensitive to. I think it might be less about what I actually say (although she won’t like that either) but the way I say it.

Are you sure she's not just saying that to make you feel bad?
just say the same things then and put more kisses and emojis at the end. Just make the changes and stick to them, and let her have her reaction. It'll take time for her to get her head round it. It's ok for her to be uoset by it, it doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do

Think how you will feel if she is still in her bedroom on tiktok in 10 years.

You didn't say whether you've apologised to dd1

@Yellowcar26 going from memory, I don’t think so. A few months ago we tried to ask dd1 if she was ok, anything bothering her, anything we’d done to upset her (she’d become a bit withdrawn). She said there wasn’t and wouldn’t open up any more.

But I think we owe her a proper apology and admit we were wrong in how we prioritised dd3’s needs and assurance that won’t happen again.

Of course she’s going to say you are being mean.
I wouldn’t tie yourself in knots over your tone. You can still be loving but firm.
@Shrinkhole’s advice above is well worth thinking about it makes a lot of sense to me.

Another excuse from dd - so I tried to ask her about what uni research she has done today and how she’s spent her day. She kicked off that she didn’t want Dh to know about this. So I don’t know whether to agree that I won’t discuss it with him (but in any case she accuses me of lying about this) or insist that Dh is her parent too.

Just don't engage with it, and remove the things that are enouraging her to live like this (wifi, free money)

Oh and she said I ‘need to be nicer’.

And (her words) - I’m not trying to be difficult but it’s genuinely impossible to do anything if you’re going to be mean

🤷‍♀️