Dd, autism and cake - Thread 2

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I had no idea that my first thread would fill up and I am in awe and overwhelmed at the amount of support.

I am going to re-read all the responses and make a plan. Thank you, this has been eye opening.

It seems like she is caught up in her emotions, but so are you.

The time for indulging in “do you hate me?” & fretting about the order of cakes are in has long past.

I’d say keep conversations as practical as possible. I’m going to work at X time. As you don’t work and we are now 5 adults living in this house I expect X and Y done while I’m out etc etc.

I would literally say we have to move forward, if you are not working it is not acceptable to bed rot all day. If you are in the house you can put a wash on, hang it out, start dinner etc etc.

Tell her you want everything to be proactive & practical, everything you both do should be about moving forward.

I have suggested a few times finding local families in a similar situation, like through your local carer's network - my carer's network has a monthly support group specifically for people caring for adults with autism. This kind of support can provide access to useful services in your area, things that other parents have tried for example. It can make you feel less alone. And you might find other families with similar children who could even meet at some point.

Did you ever investigate this?

OP I'm sorry but you just sound so terribly passive and helpless just waiting for stuff to sort itself out.
Your DD has you completely over a barrel and clearly threatens self harm/extreme distress to make you scared not to give in to her - and it's working isn't it, you are terrified to make her unhappy.
I can't imagine the damage that was done to you elder DD when you were pandering to her sister so much with expectations she not remain in the room with her - but you are so wrapped up in concerns over dd3 it doesn't sound like you understand you will need to make that stuff up to your older DD1 for absolutely years because you completely prioritised her sister over her.

Omg this thread(and the first one!!)

A lifetime of too much overanalysing feelings and behaviours. Your dd has been given way too much attention for spoilt, entitled behaviour and you haven't really consistently just stood back and stopped talking and started doing.

Stop talking endlessly about autism and mental health and start treating her like the young adult she is. Don't fund her or facilitate bad behaviour to you or the rest of your family. Don't give her masses of attention or spend all your time trying to coax her out of her room or do this activity or that, just block the WiFi, don't pay for her phone contract for her etc.

Hold her to the same expectations you have of her siblings. Then batten down the hatches because you need to be consistent for years to undo a lifetime of bad habits, she will probably get worse before she's better and will likely be angry and resentful. Stop trying to "fix" it all, you can't, you all need to move on from past wrongs and resume living.

And yes, all of this!!

So much over analysing happening and not enough actions and consequences.

Yes I have been in touch with a local group that offers carers support.

@Leavelingeringbreath you’re wrong about this point. I feel so terribly guilty and regretful of how I acted with dd1 and worry about the effect on her. I think she can see the change in me now and whilst that doesn’t undo my past mistakes I hope our relationship can repair. If anything I now putting more effort into dd1, spending time with her, talking to her (if she won’t join us in the living room, I make a point of hanging out in the kitchen with her for a bit. Just for a bit of connection). She is currently auditioning for further dance training and Dh and I are fully present and supportive.

Had a brief Whatspp conversation with dd3 while I’m at work. I’ve asked her how she’s spending the day and it’s not acceptable to spend time on SM while Dh and I are at work. She came back with the usual ‘I’d be at uni if it wasn’t for you’ which I ignored and asked if she’d made any applications for September. No reply. I told her she can spend today researching courses and I will check in with her later. Then her usual comment - ‘why should I settle for a shit uni?’ Again I ignored the emotion in this and asked her where she wants to go AND how she’s going to get there.

She thinks I’ll forget about this conversation by this by tonight. But I’m going to keep on. And on and on.

Good for you. Hold firm. And keep going.

Good for you not taking the bait.

”Why should I settle for a shit uni”, I’d ask her what her alternative plan to 1) bed rotting, 2) not going to a “shut uni” is?

Don’t go back over how she got here and whose fault it was etc. I’d say firmly there is no point get back into circular conversations, she is where she is and she is the age she is. Conversations will be forward-looking only.

I would say you know what’s more shit than a shit uni - doing fuck all (not really - well maybe)

she will probably get worse before she's better

I really really need to remember this and mentally prepare myself. Because I can see myself wanting to give up and go back to old ways.

DD’s response to my request for results of her research into uni courses - ‘stop putting pressure on me’ 🙄

Maybe I should say that the ‘pressure’ is coming from her - she wants a good uni, what is she going to do about it?

If it were me I would motivate myself by picturing yourself & DD3 in say 20 years and what that looks like.
Because if nothing changes nothing changes.

I’ve let a lot of things slip in middle age - weight, diet, exercise, interests, finances etc. I want to improve all and I either do it or I live with the consequence that I may be a more broke, more overweight & hardly able to move 75 year old. And in order to do it I have to push my DH to stop acting like a passenger princess when it comes to money. Which will not be an easy task because much like DD3 he claim he “cant” understand basic finances despite the fact that he works in the area. It’s not easy but it is necessary.

You are not alone, everyone has challenges. But don’t be one of the people who give up & have to live with the consequences.

And your DD3 is watching you, you need to show her what consistency & boundaries look like. And show the other two that DD3 isnt the main character.

”You are the one who wants to go to what you see as a “good” uni. That pressure is coming from you, not me. I am at work and I am not prepared for you to lie around my house indefinitely. So either 1) get a job, 2) or show me the alternative plan with a timeline. And I want to see a draft plan for either by X time with a clear, alternative, timeline.”

I imagine she will debate/argue at length with you about why she can’t or won’t research them. It’s hard not to get drawn in but I would just repeat a fairly stock phrase “because you need to do something now, I’ll speak to you when you’ve had a look”.
The arguing is still just getting attention from you and going in circles. Maybe if you only reward with attention when she has done something positive it will help?
easier said than done obviously ! And yes may well nose dive at first

Have you told dd1 that? Have you apologised to her? You mentioned before that dd3 calls her 'it' and 'thing' is that still going on?

No it’s not. I became so disgusted with dd3 that I told her if she said it again, the WiFi would go off. Funnily enough that worked.

Arrgghh - she says the ‘way I’m talking to her’ is putting pressure on her. What do I say?

‘I’m supporting you in reaching your goals. I am not put pressure on you, but I don’t expect things to continue as they are.’

Potential ideas:

"Let's talk another time then, when you've made some plans"

"Sometimes pressure can be good. Anyway, need to get back to work now. Talk later, after dinner"

"About to go into a meeting. Look forward to chatting this evening"

But to be honest, the best would be to just not reply. You said earlier that she 'likes you to reply to every message'. Part of new world is going to be a) being tougher in WHAT you say, but also b) not always giving everything she says a dedicated response.

I'd be saying yes I'm putting pressure on you because I am not happy with the situation continuing as it is. If you don't want to do anything about uni that's fine but you need to be doing something.

And for God sake turn off the WiFi and stop giving her money!! You have created a parasite

I missed this earlier. That is absolutely disgusting.

She called her sister “it”, she’s an entitled brat tbh.

Change the password on the Wi Fi. No more softly softly. If Wi Fi is a motivator she can regain limited access when she is prepared to engage.