Went to wedding reception without me

[Caton]

Yesterday morning, I asked my partner whether one of his friends got married last year - he had said mid year that his friend was getting married after the summer. I had heard nothing since and it popped into my head - thinking oh did the wedding actually go ahead. He said, yes I went to the reception. Unbeknownst to me. That weekend, he had stayed at his brothers house which is a 3/4 hour drive to this wedding reception. His only child also attends university about 20 minutes away from the venue. He only told me he was driving up to spend some time with his child. I had no idea about that being the reception/wedding date. He reserved a hotel when he got the invite (which I never saw) and didn't say that either. I was incensed - and frankly incandescent - so much that I hopped in the car drove to get a coffee and some fresh air. He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic. He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year. For the past 6 months he has stayed either with his family or with a set of friends house-sitting as they travel quite a bit. He has looked to get his own place but that is still awhile away - and also he will have to put this jointly owned property up for sale in the next 12 months. It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception. I just find this odd and am reconsidering this relationship. He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed. Am I being unreasonable as I feel like I'm being asked to accept what is frankly unacceptable. He also said the invite was only for him - and that (conveniently) the invite was part of the whatsapp messages that were lost when he upgraded his phone.

I think we were all kind of with you, until it turned out you’d only be going out five minutes and don’t even live together.

How does it come about that the only person in his life that knows about you is his ex wife?

that’s very odd.

He only broke up with his ex 18 months ago, the wedding was October and the invite came last spring- you presumably were very much in the dating stage, so I think your reaction is OTT. That said if it doesn’t align with your desires then throw him back. Couples counselling when you’ve been together for so little time sounds exhausting, I really don’t understand the desires some people seem to have to ‘save’ smothering that has barely got going.

None of it...typing it all out on here or going to couples therapy...is worth the effort, he aint worth it. Move on.

My thoughts exactly

NEXT

Bin him off op, it all sounds like hard work.

How do you know ?

@Caton I wonder whether when you reply to people you could press quote before hand so the message you're replying to is also included?

I think it would be good for you to read the book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

You sound exactly like me.- feisty, strong willed and independent.
I too used to love a Mr Unavailable....until I read this book and realised why.

i don’t really understand the timeline but my reading of it is that it was very early days and he was vague rather than lied.

if it was as early as it sounded, I really don’t see the issue. I do think there are other issues though and they don’t seem like a great match. Very odd to be talking about couples counselling at this point.

Have you ever been with him when he's "house sitting" OP?

That bit alone makes me wonder why you’re even in a relationship with this man?

You don't live together and you don't know his child, so perhaps you are not at the stage of a relationship where his friends would invite you automatically to their wedding? But he accepted and attended secretly, which I wouldn't put up with.

He was already in two relationships while
you knew him. I think you have yourself a player .

Yip

Yes, he’s not obliged to bring you, an I’m sure they’ll all agree he’s not obliged to be candid about his plans, keep his cock out of anyone else, or tell you the truth.

This is standard setting from him: his view is he’s done nothing wrong- therefore the standard he expects you to accept is a repeat of this.

He has no intention of talking this out- he wants to grind you into accepting his shitty behavior.

he knows he’s a liar. You know he’s a liar. He didn’t owe you his plus one- equally you don’t owe him a relationship.

He doesn't seem to be serious about you. It sounds like you are a secret to his friends and family. If he wanted you to go to the wedding, he would have told you about it. He did not want you there. He has form for cheating and cannot be trusted. Ditch him. He's not worth the drama or angst. What else is he hiding?

The fact that you've reacted so strongly to finding this out now suggests to me that he hid it from you because he knew you'd make a fuss about not being invited, or about his choice not to take you, whichever it was.

He clearly wasn't ready to introduce you as his new partner and didn't want to have to have a huge debate with you over it. Without knowing how long you'd been together at that point and how much time he was spending with you in general, it's hard to have an opinion on it. However, you seem very insecure in the relationship and if that's the case then you should leave it.

I find it strange that he's prepared to do couples counselling but not prepared to integrate you fully into his life and introduce you to friends and family. Those two things are very much at odds to me.

It was a year down the line.

Fine not to be invited, but weird to lie about going.

Time line is

September 2024 - OP gets together with this man. He is still living with his (ex)wife at this point.

October 2025 - man moves out of marital home and attends the wedding

He's minimising your feelings to make himself feel more congruous.
It also sounds like this situation has highlighted some patterns in the relationship—how your partner navigates his friendships, family, and past connections—and it’s natural to pause and ask yourself whether this aligns with what you need and expect. The fact he's keeping you compartmentilised raises questions to how serious he views your relationship.

You need to decide:
Do you feel respected?
Does this relationship fulfil what you need or is it one way ?
Are you both as committed to the relationship as each other or is there an imbalance ?
Would you be happy if the relationship is in the same place in a years time, two? Where do you see it going?

Only once you've answered these can you truly have clarity and confidence in your next steps.

Dump him. He's very manipulative.

Agree with this.

So he's basically a cheat? Most women would have run in the opposite direction.

I have no idea why you’d even contemplate relationship counselling with a man who just isn’t that into you.

I think you should get counselling for yourself after you’ve binned him off

So last October he was still living with his partner of 25 years, dating you, and going to the wedding of his long-term affair partner?

This is not a person you should be emotionally investing in, OP. And he shouldn't be in the life of your struggling young-adult child.