Went to wedding reception without me

[Caton]

Yesterday morning, I asked my partner whether one of his friends got married last year - he had said mid year that his friend was getting married after the summer. I had heard nothing since and it popped into my head - thinking oh did the wedding actually go ahead. He said, yes I went to the reception. Unbeknownst to me. That weekend, he had stayed at his brothers house which is a 3/4 hour drive to this wedding reception. His only child also attends university about 20 minutes away from the venue. He only told me he was driving up to spend some time with his child. I had no idea about that being the reception/wedding date. He reserved a hotel when he got the invite (which I never saw) and didn't say that either. I was incensed - and frankly incandescent - so much that I hopped in the car drove to get a coffee and some fresh air. He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic. He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year. For the past 6 months he has stayed either with his family or with a set of friends house-sitting as they travel quite a bit. He has looked to get his own place but that is still awhile away - and also he will have to put this jointly owned property up for sale in the next 12 months. It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception. I just find this odd and am reconsidering this relationship. He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed. Am I being unreasonable as I feel like I'm being asked to accept what is frankly unacceptable. He also said the invite was only for him - and that (conveniently) the invite was part of the whatsapp messages that were lost when he upgraded his phone.

But the only child is an adult... Why are you talking like he's 6?

The adult offspring could have easily seen both parents.

Everything you say about this man is weird.

Why do you want to be with him?

Tell us a few good things about him.

@MyMiniMetro That was a fantastic piece of insight that you have offered. Many thanks!

Sounds like he used his child as an excuse to get back and rekindle an old flame (the on and off girl best friend). What is he bringing to the table? Because he’s lied, it’s breaking trust 🤷🏼‍♀️

He's using you! He sounds very selfish. Time for you to move on!

@Thesnailonthewhale he has been absolutely fantastic with one of my own children (a young adult who is really struggling - who suffers from a debilitating yet common condition). I was absolutely terrified upon discovery of this condition and having this unfold into my reality - with little external or family support other than what I sought for both of us - He provided advice, sound support, suggestions and guidance in a non-judgemental way and from a place that helped and made a difference to my quality of life and also that of my child- at a very challenging and difficult time. He didn't rescue me - or take over but was timely and thoughtful. And he did go out of his way on several occasions to enable the respite I needed at the time. He is a lot of fun - has a great sense of humour and honestly? we do - get on really well with a lot in common with things we like to do and what we appreciate - He is a bit daunted with me as I'm a high achiever and attack everything I do with gusto and like to master things even the mundane really well. He is not aggressive or overbearing and for the most part not a risk taker - I would say that I have all three (flaws?) in my character to varying degrees (but they have propelled me through life with a degree of success (most people say this about me so no self promo going on here). He is kind - and has a lot of empathy - but he definitely is blocked in a few areas. And Myminimetro was correct in their assessment, in general, of where he is coming from. That's as much as comes to mind to answer your question.

Same.

I wouldn’t be upset about the wedding. I would assume that as a very new girlfriend you simply weren’t invited.

However, it’s weird how he’s keeping you distant from his family at this more established stage.

His moral compass is skewed. Dump.

How can you trust a word out of this man’s mouth?

He sounds absolutely charming!

You sound like a mug, obviously attach more importance to your relationship with this man than he does with you.

Why not cool it down and spread your wings a bit? He's not the only fish in the sea.

Be independent!

Really? 🤨

As a self confessed risk taker he sounds perfect for you.

Eyes wide open you know he cheated over a sustained period which means he can dissemble effectively..just be aware he doesnt prioritise the truth.

There's not much he could do that would be a surprise right? So enjoy the good if it outweighs the bad ..stay financially and emotionally unentangled and have a ball..or two

People can be kind and still be shit.

It makes it harder to close the door but not impossible.

He has a history of blurred lines with regards to relationship boundaries as well being comfortable with infidelity.

I'd not be taking up with this sort of person for a relationship, I wouldn't be able to trust him. He sounds better as a friend.

Your call OP but you know this probably only gets worse from here...

His butterfly life also concerns me. I don't find nomadic sofa-surfers reliable or charming.

He lies to you (lying by omission is still lying). When you're quite understandably unhappy about it he minimises it. He's cheated on women before. You've also not been with him for very long at all.

I'd say your instincts are spot on. What's the point? He isn't going to bring you happiness.

Sounds like you hadn't been seeing each other that long at the time of the wedding. He wanted to go alone. I do t see the big deal.

I don’t really get the issue. If I’ve understood correctly, you weren’t living together, you weren’t invited, it was a relatively new relationship he went to a wedding reception without you. Your response seems disproportionate. But I do agree with others that the relationship doesn’t seem to be working for you.

The issue isn't being invited or not
It's the lying about where he was

Hes sounds messy. Put him in the bin.

It's not about who is or isn't invited it's about the OP's partner being sly and secretive.

I think you are way into this situation to be good for your confidence and self respect tbh. You are 18 months into a relationship with a man that's 18months out of a longterm relationship with the mother of his children whem he cheated on for years (if I've read it all correctly), you don't live together or share any financial or other responsibilities but you call him a partner rather than a boyfriend... Partner in what?
If ye have a good sex life, can hang out together and have fun great, but don't be expecting him to actually ever be an actual partner in your life, at least not this soon after walking out of a relationship he lied through

You're right to feel the way you do and the fact that he made a big part of it about visiting his daughter is also likely part of the sneakiness because it gives him a great excuse if needed not to have much contact with you while he was off at the wedding reception and it would also put you off from bothering him much whilst you believed he was seeing his daughter . I've had that situation and it was always me in the wrong and begrudging him family time if I did try to ask anything and in the end it turned out very little actual time was spent with his daughter but it made a great excuse to be unavailable for long stretches at a time . I doubt he would have wanted you to be invited and he no doubt didnt mention you at all because if he had wanted to have you there then I'm sure his friends would have been fine with him bringing a plus one along , but he isn't interested in ingratiating you into his family and friend circle . Throw him away he's an idiot and the suggestion of couples counselling is to infer the trouble is within the relationship when it's actually that he's not acting like you are a couple . You haven't even met his daughter or friends so how would couples therapy help ? Nah that's just to make you think he's serious about you two and doesn't want to lose you, but if he would consider your feelings about it and apologise and agree that it wouldn't happen again then no counselling would be needed anyway . Please leave him or you'll be constantly hurt by feeling like you're not included in a big part of his life xxxc

You are not his touch base person.

It's odd that you haven't met any of the important people in his life. That is the biggest red flag.

He likes being single and to be thought of as single.

So he hasn’t introduced you to anyone close to him, you’ve never seen a home he lives in it’s always someone else’s, he’s “recently split up with his partner”, he lies about or omits where he is and he only stays at yours when he’s “in town”?

Are you sure he was single? My first thought was he is married and having an affair with you. Or there’s multiple other women involved too, or they’re separated and he’s still sleeping with her or they’re on/off. Far too many red flags here. The suspicion would be enough for me to end it personally.

Are you sure there isn't someone else?

Someone else he took to the wedding and saw on Christmas Day. As you say he was sleeping with wedding guest while living with former partner and in a relationship with his partner Who gets themselves into that kind of ridiculous situation? Someone who gets a thrill from the drama, I'd say.

There's a high likelihood some kind of casual relationship still exists between the person he had a long term affair with and he didn't even mention the fact the reception was taking place or even had until long enough had passed so that when you asked he felt he could then pretend to be forthcoming, but act like he's completely confused by you having a problem with it . He's gaslighting you and he will never see the problem , but will instead make out that it requires relationship counselling . Well I'm pretty sure if you went along with it he would not find that the counsellor says it is a non issue . No they would advocate respecting your feelings and being more open . He's very manipulative that's for sure and he's even got you doubting yourself and also believing he is panicking which is just to make you hang around and be convenient for longer , but he's not going to respect you unless you do break it off and then when he misses you then there's a chance he might realise what he's lost . If you stay when you're not getting listened to then he will see no reason to treat you as a real girlfriend xxx