Will you want your parents' stuff when they die?

[OneWorthyLemonCat]

I'm a big declutterer, and now live pretty minimally. I have a one in, one out policy on new possessions, and try to only buy quality items that I really love.

I've just been thinking about my parents and in laws. They often make reference to DH and me and our siblings having their "stuff" when they die.

We'll barely wany any if it though.

Of my mums, I'd love her Ercol sideboard. Of my inlaws, we would love my MIL's collection of LeCreuset pans.

That's it. EVERYTHING else that they own will go to charity, or in a skip.

We don't share the same taste, and although DH and I have plenty of space, I know so many people have much smaller homes now. We also live differently to them - I would never use fine China, or serve cakes on a glass cake stand, or poach a whole salmon in a fish kettle, or serve drinks in crystal glasses, or use solid silver cutlery!

Which of your parents' possessions would you want? How do you think it will feel taking their worldly possessions to a charity shop? (I wonder if shops will be so inundated in 5-10 years that they stop taking donations anyway. I know many have stopped already). Does it make you live or think differently about your own approach to acquiring "stuff" through your lifetime?

DH and I dont have kids, and I'm very comfortable with the idea that our much loved possessions will have brought us happiness through our lives, but will end up at the rubbish tip when we're no longer here!

She didn't want to take it now. She had that option.

This thread is interesting because of the different psychology behind holding on to things and getting rid. I'm with OP in that I like minimal living, I have a box of a things I treasure but I don't hold onto things for the sake of it. My parents and in laws on the other hand have an unbelievable amount of things, particularly my in laws as they also have all of their parents things, most of the things just take up space and have little value so why keep them? Even now there's talks of clearing things out as they age but when we go round they can't part with much.

There were a few things of my parents I would've liked but my brothers raided it all first, and threw a lot out. Even some of my things that mum had taken over the years I would've liked back but all gone. There wouldn't have been loads but the thing with sentimental stuff is that my brothers wouldn't have known what was sentimental with me. I still find it a little hard to swallow to be honest but I knew this would happen because that is they type of person they are.

I fully expect them to have kept some more of the money than me, and they refused to show me the paperwork - ignored me asking.

My DH kept a bicycle puncture repair kit of his Dad's (who didn't have a bike). We also found a medal which we had no idea he had been presented. And we threw out so many out of date cupasoups ...

My DF has recently died so we are still dealing with everything. My DSis and I plus help from husbands and the younger adults in the family have basically cleared his house. On the surface it looked pretty tidy but every cupboard and loft (there were two!) were full. Us and the GCs have taken items we wanted to keep, DHs and SonILs have taken tools and equipment they want. Jewellery has been pooled and items picked with the rest going to sell. But there was sooooo much tat and broken stuff.

Everyone says they want photos, but I’ve had a mammoth task of sorting through them all. Dad kept every photo and negative - in their packs and ordered duplicates every time. I’ve filled a wheelie bill with the packs, negatives, duplicates and photos of flowers, out of focus shots and ones with people so small you can barely recognise them! And I’ve still got two large storage boxes to go through.

The hardest part was when I got to the kitchen. All of my DMs pressed glass partyware and serving plates - she loved entertaining - filled all the cupboards. She died almost 2 decades ago and Dad had never touched it. Our local charity shop loved it though and made almost £1k selling it. But it was a hard clear out as the memories of Mum came flooding back as I washed them all and boxed them up. The local hospice took most of the furniture and bedding went to a local pet rescue. More mundane stuff like plates, glasses, cutlery, saucepans and small appliances have gone to a women’s refuge. We sent all the fine china to a local tea shop and they gave us an afternoon tea using them to say thank you.

It has been worth the effort as there have been some gems that we are keeping. Special books awarded to great grandparents at school, letters from parents and grandparents that have explained some past family events and upsets and pictures that have been in the family for years plus some interesting pieces of furniture and ceramics.

I have already declutterred my own house as I don’t want to land it on my kids. And my photos are going in a photo book so they know what my photos are of, and a book won’t take up a lot of space if they want to keep it.

We had to clear and sell my DMs house when she went into a Care Home.
Knowing that the house was being sold to pay for the fees meant that her personal possessions took on a new meaning.
I suddenly wanted glass vases that had been given to her many years ago. Totally valueless, etc I kept these for some years before giving them away to charity shops.
My DH felt the same about his DM. Most of her items went into the loft, until he felt able to dispose of them years later.
Some things (china, etc), have come in useful for my DC when setting up their own homes, but not, of course, old fashioned stuff. Surprisingly, my DMIL had only a few years earlier, bought a complete new set of Denby china (now at my DCs house).
I would hesitate to Totally decanter my own house before asking my DC if they wanted anything first. Though some things have already been shared about.
The hardest thing is to stop my DH buying rubbish on every holiday we go on.

No worries! I honestly can't even be bothered with the job of selling it. I dont want the items, and I dont want the cash!

For me it was hard to give away or sell my close family members possessions especially those I knew that they chose because they would have thought them amusing or to be of great taste. I only have so much room though.

Best not to mention to them that you won't keep much whilst subtly dropping hints about decluttering. I was very fortunate that they weren't a hoarder and even that was hard work!

I do feel for charity shops receiving so much stuff that is just not likely to sell.

My parents are in their early 70s and my dad isn't in the best of health. They have been clearing out their loft. Yesterday, they bumped into one of my dad's old colleagues, who said he'd spent the last two weeks clearing out his loft "so my daughter doesn't have to do it".

Anyway, I'd like to hold on to some of my parents' keepsakes, but the problem is finding somewhere to put them. I won't be able to take the furniture. My parents have this old-fashioned luxury called a "spare room", but I don't think I'll ever have one.

Lurking as my dp are about to “downsize”

@Tillow4everYou’d be surprised how much that clock could possibly get at auction (ok not hundreds, but something).

Me and OH like watching Angus Ashworth doing house clearances and auctioning the stuff off. He did a place that had loads of pub memorabilia and he said it sells well (and it did), as there are either collectors of it or people doing out “man caves” like pubs and want the stuff.

I’d just want the photos - I expect my brother will take most of the furniture and that would be a relief as I’d not want to deal with it. I don’t like clutter but unfortunately my husband is a big hoarder - he has a lock up unit where he’s moved most of it and I dread to think how I’d deal with it all should he die before I do.

My Dad died already. Nearly all his stuff was sold on Facebook, went to charity or the tip. Unfortunately he was a smoker and most of his stuff reeked, so we could only sell it to other smokers. He didn't have anything particularly valuable.

I kept a couple of paintings and gardening tools and a table nest. Also small sentimental things like his wedding ring and favourite fountain pen. My sibling kept the TV and dining table.

When it's my Mum's time there will be more I'll keep. She has good taste, good quality stuff, and still has some things from HER grandmother. But she also buys a lot, so there's no way we could keep all of it. I'd say 70% of the stuff will still go.

I think we have reached peak consumption as far as household items go. There are only so many sets of china that can be passed down the generations. I see charity shops filled with ashtrays , tea sets and vases and wonder if anyone will ever use them again

everything i have wanted of my parents' possessions i already have.
In the meantime, i am trying to declutter my mum's place every time i go, and am having small but constant struggles with that.

@OneWorthyLemonCat if you think they would take it in good spirit, how about getting them the Swedish Death Cleaning book?

My mum's alone now, and very elderly, so we are increasingly having the "but who will have the..." "you'll have the..." conversations. At first i just deflected or said no thank you. In the meantime? If i can fit it in my car, i say "yes". And either sneak it to the tip near hers, take it home and take it to my tip, sell or donate it. That is all i can do at this stage.

There are some things that i will eventually try to sell. As long as i still have space in my garage I'm doing nothing. It is very hard.

Not at all. My parents both died within the last few years. I don't know why I would want their stuff. I'm not big on stuff anyway and my dad collected a whole heap of crap. My stepmum will probably be spending the rest of her life sorting it out

I took some stuff, vase, Christmas decorations, large mirror, photographs.
I had to keep in mind that it was only stuff when decluttering. There is a guilt that comes with grief throwing away a loved one’s possessions, I used free cycle for the furniture.

i bet my dd will have have plenty of my wardrobe. She’s mid twenties and raids it enough!

I’ve made a list for dds of anything valuable, so not to be left to a house clearance firm* or taken to charity shops.

Other than that, once they’ve taken anything they might like, I’ve told them to get a house clearance firm in. Yes, it costs, but saves all the emotional stress and exhaustion of doing it yourself (I’ve done it more than once.).

*sister was there while a house clearance firm emptied an aunt’s house, where they hadn’t thought there was anything of value, so she was surprised when she saw them taking more than a passing interest in a painting that had been wrapped in brown paper and hidden behind a chest of drawers,

Sister had it valued. It turned out to be by quite a well known Victorian artist - it had formerly hung in a GM’s house - we remembered it vaguely
It sold at auction for £9.5k!

GM had never had much money - she’d probably picked it up for relative peanuts many decades before.

I’d just add, if there’s been any degree of dementia, check anything that could possibly serve as a container! Old shoes, bags, cereal packets - and books! Just lately in the Times I’ve read of valuable hoards stored within books, and even in the space created in the spine of hardbacks, when the sides are bent back. Someone found all a relative’s rings hidden in one such!

nothing much of any value at my mum’s - just a few photos. She binned anything of true sentimental value in her occasional rages. My sister plans to get a skip as she has hoarded lots of junk - loads of old tattered linen, towels, broken appliances, the cellar is rammed with stuff.

In-laws do actually have a couple of pieces of very nice old Ercol furniture which I have room for. They have massively declutterred so when the day comes it should take to long.

We recently cleared an elderly relative's house. He was single and had lived there literally all his life.

I kept:

Crystal glasses
Crystal decanter (now holds my washing up liquid..)
Some pretty picnic ware
Photo albums (although we have gone through these and taken out select photos and disposed of the rest)
1940s bedspread
2 woollen blankets
solid wooden blanket box
A clock
A couple of commemorative things from the queen's coronation
a set of orange penguin books
a small 1930s sideboard

all of these have slotted into our house quite nicely. It's very fashionable to mix vintage in with newer items. There was however a whole load of stuff that was disposed of and it really is not a nice process to have to go through other people's items and so I think all older people should start to think about this whilst they are still around to do so.

I think lots would be appalled at me - i didnt really think about what id want/keep ....until it happened. My mum died 15 years ago and dad, 6.5 years ago and I still have 2 big boxes of "in limbo" stuff that I am processing, that has been in our house over 5 years!
I have 2 pieces of jewellery of my mums. No furniture from my parents house, my sibling has several bits of furniture but they moved to a bigger house. There are mainly loads of photos, some books, letters written by my parents etc. My dad had kept my mums favourite handbag after she died, and I kept it for a few years, I wasnt ready to throw it away...but after a year or 2, I did (it wasnt suitable for the charity shop).

My parents (especially my dad) was a hoarder and it was painstaking going through the house i grew up in, it took many months of weekends to sort. I recycled as much as possible but we also needed a skip. Another elderly relative died a few years later and I just paid a house clearance company to take everything. I took 1 memento but most of the stuff was either not my taste or falling to bits anyway.

Oh I know it can do (years ago they got me to sell a number of old pub items on eBay and they were shocked at how much some of it got) - my parents are technically millionaires (it’s all tied up in property etc so they don’t have it in the bank) so when I say it’s not worth anything, I really mean to them and in the grand scheme of their stuff. It’s not like it’s something worth hundreds or thousands of pounds that would cause an argument about the value of it.

My parents moved themselves into a residential home and so did a lot of decluttering which was good. They did give us a few things e.g the old China cabinet which DH had renovated for a Xmas present for me to turn it from rather ugly to lovely. There were a few things they got rid of I’d have liked, particularly some of the books.
otoh DH was an only child … he’s kept rather more of his parents stuff than I would have, though he’s gradually getting rid of some of it now. Not furniture though, thank goodness.

I kept my Mum’s jewellery and an ornament I have always loved since childhood.

My Dad died recently and he told me his most treasured possession was a picture I had made for Mum and Dad’s 50th wedding anniversary, so I have kept that.

Other than that, I have just kept photos and family history documents. British Heart Foundation offer a house clearance service which I used for everything else.